Slow Show.

Last night was my last time working.. I just have had too much of Ziggy, no way in hell am I going to work on Sunday D: Anyway, while I was leaving work I checked my phone and I had a message from Tom.. To be honest, I didn't know what to expect when I opened the message.. It could've gone from anything to "i h8 u bitch, zomgz". Anyway, the message asked if I missed him.. In previous posts I have said I missed him, which is true.. But I kind of accepted that that was it.. I'd miss him for a while, but it would go away after awhile.. I think I pushed whatever I felt towards him away.. It just didn't hurt so much anymore.. I had quit work, I had announced that I hated him.. I had found out supposed answers to questions I had waited two months for.. I missed him, but I didn't think about it as much.. I accepted that whatever "it" was, wasn't coming back.. I just lost trust in him, and then everyone else..

Last week was a bit hard on me.. I wasn't handling shit very well.. And I started thinking things weren't worth it again.. And I felt useless to stop it.. I felt powerless. And I got into a fight/argument with a girl at work.. which just made everything feel worse..

I don't know what to say again, I don't know what to do. I'm sick of all these games that get played. Tom said he missed me once before, and we started talking again.. for one night, and that was it.. I don't want it to happen again.. This is what makes me feel so worthless.. It's like they have to check on me, to make sure I'm okay, and that's it.. Just make sure she's okay and the guilt will go away. And once the guilt's gone, then I'll slowly drift from their minds.

I just wish I knew where I stood with him >< Does he genuinely miss me, or is it out of guilt? I guess I just need reassurance.. I just need to know what he wants from me.. If it's out of guilt, I don't know how I'll forgive him.. I just don't see the point of contacting me for one day, and that being it.. It's not very fair on me.. I forgave him for what he did a while back.. He's only human, after all. And I know that I'm a handful.. I was just angry because he promised it all.. He promised he wouldn't leave.. And even though I had my doubts, I wanted nothing more than to believe him.. I guess I put too much pressure on him.. I don't know anymore.. I used to get so worried that he'd meet someone better than me, someone prettier, someone smarter, someone just better for him.. I guess that's why what Shar told me made sense.. Everyone at work seemed to know more than I did D: Oh, I don't know what to do.