Far More.

I don't know what to do again.. I really want to cry, I just can't. I just wish none of this happened. I wish I could go back, and I wish I could then change it all, stop it from happening. Most of all, I wish I was more.. More as a person. I wish I didn't hate, and I wish you didn't give me a reason to hate. I'm not going to lie, I miss you. Of course I miss you. I miss being so happy, I just miss all of it. Oh well, I'm crying now. I just wish I had greater understanding, that I had a mind and a heart that could help myself overcome this. I wish people didn't always have to leave. I wish people stayed. I wish I could find someone who can be an exception to the rule. Someone that stopped me from believing it to be the case.. I wish that I never had to wish any of this stuff, I wish it never happened.

I just can't let this go, not yet. I can't help but feel angry. For the first time in a long time I was allowed to smile, I was allowed to be happy. I was allowed to go from suicidal girl to happy girl in a matter of weeks. My faith in the world was restored. And the only thing I was afraid of was losing you. I was always worried that I would, because I always lose. I just can't understand any of this. I can't, I can't feel anything again. I feel numb. I either feel numb, or angry. Whatever happiness I might show is a lie. I'm a lie. I'm not okay. It's hard to pretend that you don't exist, because I can't do anything else. I don't talk about how I feel anymore. You really have made me doubt the world, and you did that by saving me. I miss you so much. And I can't do anything to fix this pain. I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't. I wish none of this happened. I wish you didn't leave.