The First Time I'm Honest.

Dear Whoever,

So, I'm typing this, whatever you call it.. Because it's all I can do right now. I need to tell you things, and I wish you knew. But I can't do that to myself again. I wish I was strong enough.. I wish I was.. But I'm not. I can't do anything, not without somehow letting this out. I was waiting for a bus, and it hit me.. I don't want to have to tell myself to start again, I don't want to lose what I had worked to build.. But I already have. Because, I look back.. I have exams now, and the first day of my last exam block, was the day when I became sick again.. I mean, really. I came home, and tried to knock myself out.. I hit myself repeatedly, I told my mum I wasn't worth anything, I wanted to be dead.. I didn't see a reason.. And then I got a reason.. You meant so much.. And I didn't want to lose that.. I never, ever, ever wanted to lose that.. I didn't want to lose you.. But I did.. And now I'm only realising how much I really loved you.. How much you did for me.. And I honestly don't know what to do.

You weren't the first I person I loved.. But you're the one who meant the most.. I thought I could do this, but I can't.. I just can't.. I've tried to put all my energy into studying, I've tried to not be hurt, but I am.. And now I can't study. I just want everything to feel okay again. I just want it to be okay again. I just want you to tell me it's going to be okay.. Just like you used to.. Because I used to believe you, and I need that right now.

I still miss you, just like before.. Whatever I wrote in the post before this was probably just a lie. I kept trying to push away the hurt I'm feeling right now, and maybe it's because I'm scared again, maybe it's because I thought it would be best.. But it's not. I'll have to deal with it one day.. And I thought maybe dealing with that is trying to find someone else who makes you just as equally happy.. But right now, it's impossible. And maybe, maybe I don't want to find someone else. I mean, I can name two relationships right now that ended because I was scared. I don't even know what I was scared of, I didn't.. But I was.. Or maybe I just knew in my heart that no matter what that person did, I would never love them the way they deserved. And I think when you realise that, well there's not much that can keep your relationship together.

I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say. All I can say is I miss you.. Everyday.