Seasons Change.

Hello, wonderful world.
How eventful and unforgettable this week has been.
However, I would like to start this post with the words "I'm going to do a Nathan".
You see, certain people think it's okay to start referencing my past, when they think they can make a point.. Some sort of stupid ass statement.
I'm so glad I didn't tell you about Tom, because maybe that would've hurt. Hell, you can reference Nathan to everything.. It's not the first time you've done it.. And it's not the first time it doesn't affect me. I'm angry, however, at the fact that you come off as such a smart child, but can be such a stupid fucked up bitch. And that you think it's okay to bitch to my cousin about people who couldn't care less about you.

But that's it. That's all I'm going to say on this stupid topic. I can treat people like they don't exist, and from this moment onwards, you do not exist. What, what's that saying? Oh yeah. That's right. I'm going to do a Nathan.

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Not knowing is the worst thing at the moment.. Not knowing what tomorrow will bring, not knowing what next month will bring.. Not knowing where my life is headed..

I thought waiting would be okay.. But I'm scared.. I'm scared this will be like last time.. I don't know if I should wait anymore.. Because I won't be able to handle the outcome of waiting gone to waste.. I wish I was able to look into next year, and see where I am at. Because if I'm able to do that.. I'm able to decide on this waiting situation..

Each day that passes I dread it more. I become more scared, more worried.. I don't want to lose again.. But I have a strange feeling I will.. And if this feeling is confirmed by more days of waiting.. I won't know how to let it all go..

I'm reminded of having hard but easier pain now, or pain that will be unbearable later. I'd rather have pain never.. And I'd rather prolong it as long as possible.. But if, if I can't prolong it.. Will I wait for the date to come and get that unbearable pain? Or will I do it now and take that hard but easier pain? It's hard now just thinking of it.

Dear Sarah and Kelsey.. I need some advice..