That's What You Get.

Last night was the work meeting.. Yay4Oporto. I still don't see why I had to go, seeing as Mohit wasn't there anyway.. But whatever, we went for dinner afterwards, even though I only had a coke.

Still confused about everything, by the way. And last night didn't make it any better.. So I came home, went straight to bed (yeah, I had like a gazillion hours of homework as well) and cried for a very, very, very long time.. Also contemplated suicide, which was, you know, the last place I wanted to end up in in my head. I thought about od-ing, but really couldn't be bothered to get up.. And then I did something I haven't done in a long time.. I prayed.. You have to see, the day my Nonna died, I just lost faith in God completely. Sure, I believed there was a God, but I didn't believe in him.. If you get my drift.. I just thought I was being punished, because I asked to be taken, and my Nonna died instead..

So, I prayed, and I asked for the pain to be taken away.. I am so sick of feeling hurt, and betrayed.. And I don't think I've been as angry as I was last night in a very long time.. I repeated, must have been a hundred times.. Just take me.. Just take me away from my pain.. I asked to be taken to the place where my brother and Nonna are.. I just wanted out last night, so badly. I felt useless. I didn't see myself being able to study, because I was so disappointed, and depressed. I thought "I have to do it tonight..". I didn't see myself passing any exams, I didn't see myself making it to the end of the year.. I just gave up.. I just wanted out.. I just doubted myself so much.. Eventually, I fell asleep. I woke up around 12:30, and I had two messages from Tom..

Again.. This is what I don't get, I just don't understand it.. I just want to know what he wants from me. He misses me? That's great, it makes me feel that I had some sort of positive impact on his life. I wrote in the previous post that I didn't want it to turn out like last time.. I don't know what to do.. I honestly don't.. Less than 24 hours ago I was in a place that I have tried so hard not to go back to.. And that's because I accepted, not completely, but mostly, that once I left work, be it Thursday night or Sunday, that would be it. He didn't want me in his life, I would've been fine. I had accepted it.. I had made myself feel okay about it.. But he said he missed me, and I know I missed him.. He meant too much to me.. I wasn't just going to ignore his messages.. I just felt strong last week.. The topic of him came up, I just asked not to talk about it. But now, I feel so completely weak. And I feel betrayed in a few ways, and I wish I didn't. I just wish I knew what he wanted from me.