Now That You're Gone.

This has, most definitely, been the weirdest week of my life. I find myself not caring anymore. I have felt so many different things this week. Here is my list: happy, important, loved, depressed, sad, suicidal, betrayed, used, unwanted, unfaithful, special, beautiful, hideous, angry, evil, unloved.. And most importantly.. I’ve felt like I always have.. Lost.

I didn't know what to do about this Tom situation, but honestly, I don't.. I don't care about it anymore. Of course I still care for him.. But I'm just done with that part of my life.. I don't need to wait around for someone who doesn't know what he wants.. I don’t need to feel like I’m not enough.. I'm done with the pain part of my life, I want it to all be over. I didn't want this thing that happened with him to always cause me to wonder about what could have been, what I did wrong.. But when I didn't feel like I was enough for him, I got so angry. One day it resulted in my cutting myself over 30 times.. But, I now see that.. That in him contacting me, I was able to let go. It was probably for the best, in the end. I'm starting to see that.. But sometimes I miss the person he had become to me, but I think that person left.. And won’t be coming back.. I did love him, but I don't think love should be this hard.. I did love him, I'm not going to say I didn't. But that love died, the second.. I think it died the second he came back. Maybe I loved who I thought he was, maybe I loved how kind he was to me, maybe I loved him because I didn't miss Peanut.. Maybe I loved him because he loved me back, I don't know. All I know is I don't.. I don't wake up anymore wondering about him, I don't wake up missing him.. I feel like enough again. And sometimes I wish it was different, because I really did love him, sometimes I wish it turned out different.. He made me feel alive again, he honestly did. But that certain type of trust and feelings I had for him are gone. And I don't think they're coming back.. I didn't think I'd ever feel happy before Tom, not honestly happy.. But for a moment in time I did. And I will always be grateful towards him, because he did save me. He did give me something to fight for, something to believe in, but now I need to find something worth fighting for, not wait for it to find me. I went to bed Monday night, thinking I needed him to live, and I had somehow lost him. Thinking that I had carried myself for two months, and I had just let him ruin that again like that.. I hated myself Monday, I honestly did. But I really need to know that I can take care of myself.. That even when my heart breaks, or people lie, or people aren't who I thought they'd be, I'll be able to take care of myself.. I'll be okay. I will always care about Tom, he did mean a lot to me. But waiting around? This week has been hell enough, and I don't know if I'll be able to wait.. It could be forever. It used to hurt, a hell of a lot. But it got easier along the way. I guess now he just seems like a different person, but there will always be a part of me that cares about him.

Years pass and people change, the bluest skies can turn to grey. And though it's going to hurt for now, every ship must sail away.

I really find truth in those lyrics. Life sucks, I get it. In end the, whatever friendship, whatever love, whatever relationship you have - one day it'll be gone. It can be due to your own fault, theirs, or because they've left this world completely, I get that, and I've accepted it. I guess we just have to make the most of what we have at this moment of time.

And sometimes I think we do need someone to remind us of that. That maybe we see ourselves as evil, or hideous.. And the rest of the world might just see us as people who are just lost. But someday, they’ll find their place in the world, someday they’ll be in a place, belong with someone that feels like home. I think it’s okay to lose ourselves.. But what’s not okay is starting to think that you are not enough as a person, that someone out there has more worth than you ever possibly could. I know that there’s someone out there worse of then me, I know it. And when the world is a bitch to you, then you be a bitch back, because you need to make sure that you’ll be here tomorrow. One day I’ll find my place in the world. And that day I know I’ll be truly happy. And I won’t look back at these past years with a frown, but a hand to thank each and everyone I’ve met along the way. The ones that changed me for the better, and the ones that changed me for the worse. Because, either way, I learnt that, in the end, it’s all worth it. And I'll understand more.