You know.. I really need to have a big whole confession blog. Because.. Today.. I guess changed it all again.. And maybe a few people out there need to understand whats going on in my mind..
Lately, I've been trying to focus all my energy, all my thoughts.. On something other than Tom. I kind of thought that if I tried, there was all the possibility that I could succeed. It might not have been what I wanted, but it made the thought of waking up to another day without him not as painful.
That doesn't mean I've moved on. Nowhere near have I moved on. I miss you every single day, but there's not much I can do without letting myself become vulnerable again. I don't know what you want, which has been pointed out several times that guys never know. But I really, really miss you. Everyday.
How exactly do I say this? I am just scared. That's all it is. I don't know what to think, I don't know what to do.. And I'm scared I'm going to lose you again if I let you in like I used. That, mixed with the feeling of not knowing what you want, is what causes me to feel like this. When I think about you, I don't think anyone has made me feel that happy in years. And it scares me not knowing. It scares me when I think I might lose you again.. And people have told me that maybe it's for the best, just accepting that that might happen.. And if I accept that, then we might as well not know eachother.
But I can't accept that. When Alex told me to just delete your number, and delete whatever messages I had from you, I couldn't. I can't just do that. But I can't just sit here and feel depressed every night.. I needed to do something..
Whatever words typed here might just be a lie to help me make it through another day, because I feel lost without you. And I don't know what to do about that, not anymore.
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