I Hurt Too.

This week has been seriously crappy.
I've been feeling pretty crappy about myself again. I know, I know, I'm "so pretty", I'm "innocent". But I just feel so shit about the person I've been. I'm sick of feeling alone..

I don't even want to go to formal. Fuck formal, I swear. All it has caused is problems, and I'm probably going to end the night by jumping off something. Same with Oporto cruise, I swear. I can just imagine myself jumping off the boat ~ That's why I wanted to take Ellis, so someone was watching me incase I couldn't handle it and did jump off. I'm kind of dreading the cruise now.. I guess I'm dreading a lot now..

I'm faced with not knowing what I want again. I don't know what to do. I wake up feeling numb, I go through the day being a bitch, and I come home and try to sleep it all away. Doesn't really work, because I have to wake up the next day and go through it all again.

I haven't been able to draw for a while aswell.. Something about the innocence and freedom of it is gone. Now all my drawings are just pages of depression.. Pages of what I know my life is again. It's also been really hard to cry.. I can feel the tears forming, but they won't come out.. I don't know whats wrong with me.. I don't want to go back to this shit.. I want it to be gone.

Why all this pain? I just want it to be gone. I just want someone to come and take it away. But I can't trust anyone enough to let them in like that..

I just feel so depressed.. I don't think I'm all too well either.. It's just so hard at the moment.. At the moment? Who am I kidding? It's always hard. My medication doesn't work.. It's meant to make me feel happy.. But I've been feeling the opposite now, for a while..

I don't understand people that just jump into things. I don't understand a lot actually, but that's something that has been standing out lately.. I wish I was able to let go. I wish I didn't feel the sadness linger. I feel disconnected again..

I notice that when I sleep more than 7 hours I have dreams.. The thing is, they're always about things I dread.. Things I dread happening, but things that are out of my control. I woke up the other morning, and I thought this one dream had happened. I can't explain how I'm feeling at the moment..

It's like losing something, accepting it was gone, and then it's back. And you don't know what to do, because you had accepted it would never be like it was. And there's parts of your heart that has accepted that whatever you felt.. It's gone.. But you're still a girl who needs people, and now you're scared, even though your heart isn't really in it anymore.. You're still scared of losing.. Because you're so used to losing.. And no matter what this "something" has done, there was a time when it meant everything.. And you know what it feels like to lose everything, and to wish, for a very long time, for its return. Maybe you don't know what to do in your current situation because every other time, once it was gone.. It was gone. It wasn't coming back.. It never came back.

And this dream just showed me what I was scared of.. And what had happened once my fear had come to life.. I'm used to not getting what I want.. I know, that with every good thing that happens to me, an equally worse off thing can happen.. I know life isn't fair.. And sometimes its not fair on me to know that.. Sometimes I wish I was like so many of my other friends.. The ones that think love is this thing that exists after years, the ones that have never, not even close, ever been depressed.. The ones who have lost hardly anything..

Sometimes I wish I was like them. Because if I was like them, I know in my heart that I would never wake up numb, I would never have to reflect in my attitudes how I'm feeling.. I'd never try to fix my problems by sleeping them away..

I'd be a capable person.
Not even I trust myself.