Just Friends.

This week has been a very weird one.. I went from almost letting go to not being able to, to understanding what I need to do in order to let go.. Confusing, yes. Basically, I thought I could let go, and thought I was doing it, to not being able to, which made me completely wack and angry.. To understanding what I need to do.. And it has been a thing highlighted in my past, trust me.. All I need to do to escape the pain? Walk away. I really, really understand now. If it's too painful, why should I endure it? No one should have to question their worth, not ever.. I know for me, Monday night.. I couldn't find any worth.. I really, honestly and completely, doubted I'd ever get out of that hole.. I didn't see a way out.. Not again.. I felt like I had let myself become vulnerable again, and I just got crushed.. And my insecurities will not leave..

I guess we sometimes just need to be reminded of the people we are.. Of the impact we've had on someones life.. I was reminded tonight, of someone who hasn't been in my life for a while.. I guess if we have enough of a hold on someone, and I don't mean you control their life.. I mean, you bring something to their life, something that will make them wonder how you are, how you're doing, a year on.. It might say something about the person.. It definately made me feel like I had some sort of impact.. That they, maybe might miss me from their life.. Sometimes I wish things had turned out differently.. You know? If I didn't leave Grammar, I probably wouldn't have gone down the self harm streak.. I probably would still have long hair.. I probably wouldn't be on this medication.. But leaving Grammar led me to Rosebank, and to my job, and I know that I wouldn't trade that to take me back two years ago.. But sometimes, I wonder.. Would I be a different person? Would I be happier? I don't know.. But I know that something good came out of leaving Grammar, even though I'm only realising it now..

I learnt what the world was like. I learnt how to truelly feel, and I learnt that there is some hope left somewhere, you just need to look. It might be in the form of a memory, or a person's words.. Or in someone's eyes.. Just a look, a feel, anything, that will tell you that you'll be okay.

In the past, I have done things I wish I hadn't. I have said words I wish I could take back, and I've lost people that I wish I didn't. I guess the recent months have shown me that I can fight back.. That I can learn to trust someone again, learn to love someone again, and even if it doesn't work out.. In the long run I'm going to be okay.. I guess now I'm just going to have to accept it all.. Even though it might not be what I wanted, not one bit..

I'll just have to get used to it..