This Is The Last Time.

It's so strange.. How things can change.. How things can go from completely crap to completely wonderful in a matter of days. I was unsure.. Of everything basically.. I was unsure of when I should let go, how I should let go, if I should let go.. I decided inside that the expiry date was to be the 14th of December, and if nothing had happened.. Then that was it. I was to let go.. I was to move on..

When people.. Okay, three of them asked why I was doing what I was doing.. I said I didn't want to look back and wonder what could've been. I was doing this to keep myself sane.. To this day I wonder.. Still, I wonder.. What could've been.. Why didn't I do the thing that could've made it all better? Why did I run? I don't ever want such questions wandering in my mind again.. Ever, ever again. People thought it was "crazy" that I still cared about you after all the heartache I went through.. And I don't think they'd ever understand it unless they were in my position.

I've been unsure on how I feel for a while now.. And I'm still a little unsure.. But I know that I felt a whole deal greater being with you today. And maybe all I need is some time to be honest with my self.. Time to think.. Maybe then this unsure feeling will leave..

Today was the first time in a long time when I felt truly happy. It was like all the waiting paid off, all the questions left unanswered were answered.. It just.. It felt good to be me today.
Okay, super duper good (:

This year fucked up, badly. I used to think that the world was purely evil. That life isn't fair. I still think that with every happiness I get, something can go wrong. But I used to think that something will go wrong.. I used to believe that, and when things did go wrong.. I found myself at a worse-off place. I used to believe that I was being punished.. I used to believe that I made one mistake, and would be suffering an eternity for it.. I used to believe that there was something greater out there, giving me certain types of happiness, and just taking them away.. I used to believe that my life would be a neverending story of loss.

I used to mourn the loss of people that probably weren't worth those tears. I used to hate myself, because I wasn't "enough" of a person to have their love. I used to be so alone. All I've ever done revolved around bringing myself out of the lonliness spiral. I am scared of being alone. I've always been scared of it, and I think that I will never conquer it. However, I have more understanding now. I realise that the world doesn't end because a relationship with someone you love does. I realise that the world has dark days, but equally great days. I accept that life isn't fair. But what justifies fair? What is fair? Maybe we all have the power to make our life fair, we just need to know that we have that power.

But now.. If I was given the choice.. I wouldn't take back anything that has happened. All of us have to learn sometime that people aren't always who you hoped they'd be.. We have to learn that sometimes you don't get what you want.. Sometimes the world hurts us, harshly. I've learnt that.. So when it comes down to it all, I don't do things without thinking it through.. I won't do something without serious thought. Although it has all hurt bad.. I'm grateful. Because I know what it feels like to lose faith in the world, in its people.. And have that faith restored. I've been to hell and back.

And now I feel okay.. Because, I realise.. I realise that no matter what happens.. I am going to be okay.
In the long run, I will be okay.