Seasons Change.

Hello, wonderful world.
How eventful and unforgettable this week has been.
However, I would like to start this post with the words "I'm going to do a Nathan".
You see, certain people think it's okay to start referencing my past, when they think they can make a point.. Some sort of stupid ass statement.
I'm so glad I didn't tell you about Tom, because maybe that would've hurt. Hell, you can reference Nathan to everything.. It's not the first time you've done it.. And it's not the first time it doesn't affect me. I'm angry, however, at the fact that you come off as such a smart child, but can be such a stupid fucked up bitch. And that you think it's okay to bitch to my cousin about people who couldn't care less about you.

But that's it. That's all I'm going to say on this stupid topic. I can treat people like they don't exist, and from this moment onwards, you do not exist. What, what's that saying? Oh yeah. That's right. I'm going to do a Nathan.

__


Not knowing is the worst thing at the moment.. Not knowing what tomorrow will bring, not knowing what next month will bring.. Not knowing where my life is headed..

I thought waiting would be okay.. But I'm scared.. I'm scared this will be like last time.. I don't know if I should wait anymore.. Because I won't be able to handle the outcome of waiting gone to waste.. I wish I was able to look into next year, and see where I am at. Because if I'm able to do that.. I'm able to decide on this waiting situation..

Each day that passes I dread it more. I become more scared, more worried.. I don't want to lose again.. But I have a strange feeling I will.. And if this feeling is confirmed by more days of waiting.. I won't know how to let it all go..

I'm reminded of having hard but easier pain now, or pain that will be unbearable later. I'd rather have pain never.. And I'd rather prolong it as long as possible.. But if, if I can't prolong it.. Will I wait for the date to come and get that unbearable pain? Or will I do it now and take that hard but easier pain? It's hard now just thinking of it.

Dear Sarah and Kelsey.. I need some advice..

I Hurt Too.

This week has been seriously crappy.
I've been feeling pretty crappy about myself again. I know, I know, I'm "so pretty", I'm "innocent". But I just feel so shit about the person I've been. I'm sick of feeling alone..

I don't even want to go to formal. Fuck formal, I swear. All it has caused is problems, and I'm probably going to end the night by jumping off something. Same with Oporto cruise, I swear. I can just imagine myself jumping off the boat ~ That's why I wanted to take Ellis, so someone was watching me incase I couldn't handle it and did jump off. I'm kind of dreading the cruise now.. I guess I'm dreading a lot now..

I'm faced with not knowing what I want again. I don't know what to do. I wake up feeling numb, I go through the day being a bitch, and I come home and try to sleep it all away. Doesn't really work, because I have to wake up the next day and go through it all again.

I haven't been able to draw for a while aswell.. Something about the innocence and freedom of it is gone. Now all my drawings are just pages of depression.. Pages of what I know my life is again. It's also been really hard to cry.. I can feel the tears forming, but they won't come out.. I don't know whats wrong with me.. I don't want to go back to this shit.. I want it to be gone.

Why all this pain? I just want it to be gone. I just want someone to come and take it away. But I can't trust anyone enough to let them in like that..

I just feel so depressed.. I don't think I'm all too well either.. It's just so hard at the moment.. At the moment? Who am I kidding? It's always hard. My medication doesn't work.. It's meant to make me feel happy.. But I've been feeling the opposite now, for a while..

I don't understand people that just jump into things. I don't understand a lot actually, but that's something that has been standing out lately.. I wish I was able to let go. I wish I didn't feel the sadness linger. I feel disconnected again..

I notice that when I sleep more than 7 hours I have dreams.. The thing is, they're always about things I dread.. Things I dread happening, but things that are out of my control. I woke up the other morning, and I thought this one dream had happened. I can't explain how I'm feeling at the moment..

It's like losing something, accepting it was gone, and then it's back. And you don't know what to do, because you had accepted it would never be like it was. And there's parts of your heart that has accepted that whatever you felt.. It's gone.. But you're still a girl who needs people, and now you're scared, even though your heart isn't really in it anymore.. You're still scared of losing.. Because you're so used to losing.. And no matter what this "something" has done, there was a time when it meant everything.. And you know what it feels like to lose everything, and to wish, for a very long time, for its return. Maybe you don't know what to do in your current situation because every other time, once it was gone.. It was gone. It wasn't coming back.. It never came back.

And this dream just showed me what I was scared of.. And what had happened once my fear had come to life.. I'm used to not getting what I want.. I know, that with every good thing that happens to me, an equally worse off thing can happen.. I know life isn't fair.. And sometimes its not fair on me to know that.. Sometimes I wish I was like so many of my other friends.. The ones that think love is this thing that exists after years, the ones that have never, not even close, ever been depressed.. The ones who have lost hardly anything..

Sometimes I wish I was like them. Because if I was like them, I know in my heart that I would never wake up numb, I would never have to reflect in my attitudes how I'm feeling.. I'd never try to fix my problems by sleeping them away..

I'd be a capable person.
Not even I trust myself.

Come Undone.

Well yay for being over all this fucking shit.
And Sarah Clark number 2 thinks I'm model material, because I have that type of prettyness, wth?

I am the worlds worst friend. God I hate myself. He needed me, and what the hell can I do? Nothing. I can't do anything about it. How the hell do you try to convince someone not to take their own life when just a few weeks ago you were in the same situation as him. Sure, maybe the scenes that took place were a little different, but in the end, we both thought the same things. And then we have to welcome being crushed. Oh fuck this fucking shit. Why can't, for once, our lives be acting as though they're in our favour? Nothing is okay, again. And what if he does something to himself now, because of me? Because of how fucking crappy I am as a friend. I didn't know how bad things had got for him.. I didn't.. But I don't know what to say to him. "Sure, don't try suicide, because tomorrow's going to be a better day". I can't lie to him, because I've been in tomorrow for a while now, and it sucks. I thought I was okay with all this, but I'm not. I'm not okay.

What the hell does life want from us? Does it want to push us so much that we doubt whatever happiness comes our way? Is it going to hurt us so much just so we can hurt other people just as much? You know, I really am doubting myself again. What kind of person does this? I fucking don't know.. Who the fuck am I now? Have I become that person again? The one that doesn't give a shit about anyone else? The one that doesn't care anymore? The bitch I've tried not to be? Am I her again?

Who have I become, because I'm not who I wish I was. I'm just as bad as the people that have hurt me. And because of them, now I'm hurting the people that helped me..

I wish I could take all this shit back again. I wish everything was different. I wish I hadn't become me, I wish I hadn't done this.. I wish I didn't.. I wish I wasn't me.

And this isn't the only problem at the moment, trust me. I wish everything wasn't changing.. I wish I wasn't learning new things.. I wish everything was how it used to be.

Everybody's Changing.

I've felt, more than okay with everything for a few days now. I'm confused on what to do now. I've been focusing on just getting through Year 10, and then being able to think about what I want to do with myself, and what I should do in respects to the people around me. I've told myself just to wait, because their are a few dates that are coming up that will bring me to people I need to talk to, people I miss.

First date is in November, and I don't know what to do now.. I'm confused on what this one wants. We kinda ended knowing eachother over a year ago now, but I still, I still wonder about him from time to time. And hearing about him.. About what he says and does.. Sometimes I wish I still spoke to him.. Sometimes I wish we still knew eachother.. He said someday, someday we might talk to eachother again.. Someday we might know eachother again.. Maybe someday is coming.

And the second date is in December. Now this relationship is a fucked one I think. God can only know what I want, and God can only know what he wants. I'm scared of this relationship, I am. But I think all that fear has pushed me away in some respects, and it has caused me to be confused about what I want again. I think that if one doesn't work out, the other might.. But if I was asked about which one I would want to work, I can't answer that, and I don't think I can do that to myself again..

I want the waiting to continue forever, and I want it to stop now.

Someday.

I'm at this point where I'm okay with waiting. I, I realised today that everything will be okay.. I'm not depressed anymore.. And I realised today that that's because I'm happy. I'm actually happy. I don't know how things are going to end up, but I know, I know now.. That I will never ever feel alone again. I have so many people that care about me.. I'm finally seeing what people have been telling me for the last two years. If I need to wait for people, then I will.. And even then if it doesn't turn out.. I think I'm going to be okay..

I am okay.

This Thing That Breaks My Heart.

You know.. I really need to have a big whole confession blog. Because.. Today.. I guess changed it all again.. And maybe a few people out there need to understand whats going on in my mind..

Lately, I've been trying to focus all my energy, all my thoughts.. On something other than Tom. I kind of thought that if I tried, there was all the possibility that I could succeed. It might not have been what I wanted, but it made the thought of waking up to another day without him not as painful.

That doesn't mean I've moved on. Nowhere near have I moved on. I miss you every single day, but there's not much I can do without letting myself become vulnerable again. I don't know what you want, which has been pointed out several times that guys never know. But I really, really miss you. Everyday.

How exactly do I say this? I am just scared. That's all it is. I don't know what to think, I don't know what to do.. And I'm scared I'm going to lose you again if I let you in like I used. That, mixed with the feeling of not knowing what you want, is what causes me to feel like this. When I think about you, I don't think anyone has made me feel that happy in years. And it scares me not knowing. It scares me when I think I might lose you again.. And people have told me that maybe it's for the best, just accepting that that might happen.. And if I accept that, then we might as well not know eachother.

But I can't accept that. When Alex told me to just delete your number, and delete whatever messages I had from you, I couldn't. I can't just do that. But I can't just sit here and feel depressed every night.. I needed to do something..

Whatever words typed here might just be a lie to help me make it through another day, because I feel lost without you. And I don't know what to do about that, not anymore.

The First Time I'm Honest.

Dear Whoever,

So, I'm typing this, whatever you call it.. Because it's all I can do right now. I need to tell you things, and I wish you knew. But I can't do that to myself again. I wish I was strong enough.. I wish I was.. But I'm not. I can't do anything, not without somehow letting this out. I was waiting for a bus, and it hit me.. I don't want to have to tell myself to start again, I don't want to lose what I had worked to build.. But I already have. Because, I look back.. I have exams now, and the first day of my last exam block, was the day when I became sick again.. I mean, really. I came home, and tried to knock myself out.. I hit myself repeatedly, I told my mum I wasn't worth anything, I wanted to be dead.. I didn't see a reason.. And then I got a reason.. You meant so much.. And I didn't want to lose that.. I never, ever, ever wanted to lose that.. I didn't want to lose you.. But I did.. And now I'm only realising how much I really loved you.. How much you did for me.. And I honestly don't know what to do.

You weren't the first I person I loved.. But you're the one who meant the most.. I thought I could do this, but I can't.. I just can't.. I've tried to put all my energy into studying, I've tried to not be hurt, but I am.. And now I can't study. I just want everything to feel okay again. I just want it to be okay again. I just want you to tell me it's going to be okay.. Just like you used to.. Because I used to believe you, and I need that right now.

I still miss you, just like before.. Whatever I wrote in the post before this was probably just a lie. I kept trying to push away the hurt I'm feeling right now, and maybe it's because I'm scared again, maybe it's because I thought it would be best.. But it's not. I'll have to deal with it one day.. And I thought maybe dealing with that is trying to find someone else who makes you just as equally happy.. But right now, it's impossible. And maybe, maybe I don't want to find someone else. I mean, I can name two relationships right now that ended because I was scared. I don't even know what I was scared of, I didn't.. But I was.. Or maybe I just knew in my heart that no matter what that person did, I would never love them the way they deserved. And I think when you realise that, well there's not much that can keep your relationship together.

I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say. All I can say is I miss you.. Everyday.

Now That You're Gone.

This has, most definitely, been the weirdest week of my life. I find myself not caring anymore. I have felt so many different things this week. Here is my list: happy, important, loved, depressed, sad, suicidal, betrayed, used, unwanted, unfaithful, special, beautiful, hideous, angry, evil, unloved.. And most importantly.. I’ve felt like I always have.. Lost.

I didn't know what to do about this Tom situation, but honestly, I don't.. I don't care about it anymore. Of course I still care for him.. But I'm just done with that part of my life.. I don't need to wait around for someone who doesn't know what he wants.. I don’t need to feel like I’m not enough.. I'm done with the pain part of my life, I want it to all be over. I didn't want this thing that happened with him to always cause me to wonder about what could have been, what I did wrong.. But when I didn't feel like I was enough for him, I got so angry. One day it resulted in my cutting myself over 30 times.. But, I now see that.. That in him contacting me, I was able to let go. It was probably for the best, in the end. I'm starting to see that.. But sometimes I miss the person he had become to me, but I think that person left.. And won’t be coming back.. I did love him, but I don't think love should be this hard.. I did love him, I'm not going to say I didn't. But that love died, the second.. I think it died the second he came back. Maybe I loved who I thought he was, maybe I loved how kind he was to me, maybe I loved him because I didn't miss Peanut.. Maybe I loved him because he loved me back, I don't know. All I know is I don't.. I don't wake up anymore wondering about him, I don't wake up missing him.. I feel like enough again. And sometimes I wish it was different, because I really did love him, sometimes I wish it turned out different.. He made me feel alive again, he honestly did. But that certain type of trust and feelings I had for him are gone. And I don't think they're coming back.. I didn't think I'd ever feel happy before Tom, not honestly happy.. But for a moment in time I did. And I will always be grateful towards him, because he did save me. He did give me something to fight for, something to believe in, but now I need to find something worth fighting for, not wait for it to find me. I went to bed Monday night, thinking I needed him to live, and I had somehow lost him. Thinking that I had carried myself for two months, and I had just let him ruin that again like that.. I hated myself Monday, I honestly did. But I really need to know that I can take care of myself.. That even when my heart breaks, or people lie, or people aren't who I thought they'd be, I'll be able to take care of myself.. I'll be okay. I will always care about Tom, he did mean a lot to me. But waiting around? This week has been hell enough, and I don't know if I'll be able to wait.. It could be forever. It used to hurt, a hell of a lot. But it got easier along the way. I guess now he just seems like a different person, but there will always be a part of me that cares about him.

Years pass and people change, the bluest skies can turn to grey. And though it's going to hurt for now, every ship must sail away.

I really find truth in those lyrics. Life sucks, I get it. In end the, whatever friendship, whatever love, whatever relationship you have - one day it'll be gone. It can be due to your own fault, theirs, or because they've left this world completely, I get that, and I've accepted it. I guess we just have to make the most of what we have at this moment of time.

And sometimes I think we do need someone to remind us of that. That maybe we see ourselves as evil, or hideous.. And the rest of the world might just see us as people who are just lost. But someday, they’ll find their place in the world, someday they’ll be in a place, belong with someone that feels like home. I think it’s okay to lose ourselves.. But what’s not okay is starting to think that you are not enough as a person, that someone out there has more worth than you ever possibly could. I know that there’s someone out there worse of then me, I know it. And when the world is a bitch to you, then you be a bitch back, because you need to make sure that you’ll be here tomorrow. One day I’ll find my place in the world. And that day I know I’ll be truly happy. And I won’t look back at these past years with a frown, but a hand to thank each and everyone I’ve met along the way. The ones that changed me for the better, and the ones that changed me for the worse. Because, either way, I learnt that, in the end, it’s all worth it. And I'll understand more.

Just Friends.

This week has been a very weird one.. I went from almost letting go to not being able to, to understanding what I need to do in order to let go.. Confusing, yes. Basically, I thought I could let go, and thought I was doing it, to not being able to, which made me completely wack and angry.. To understanding what I need to do.. And it has been a thing highlighted in my past, trust me.. All I need to do to escape the pain? Walk away. I really, really understand now. If it's too painful, why should I endure it? No one should have to question their worth, not ever.. I know for me, Monday night.. I couldn't find any worth.. I really, honestly and completely, doubted I'd ever get out of that hole.. I didn't see a way out.. Not again.. I felt like I had let myself become vulnerable again, and I just got crushed.. And my insecurities will not leave..

I guess we sometimes just need to be reminded of the people we are.. Of the impact we've had on someones life.. I was reminded tonight, of someone who hasn't been in my life for a while.. I guess if we have enough of a hold on someone, and I don't mean you control their life.. I mean, you bring something to their life, something that will make them wonder how you are, how you're doing, a year on.. It might say something about the person.. It definately made me feel like I had some sort of impact.. That they, maybe might miss me from their life.. Sometimes I wish things had turned out differently.. You know? If I didn't leave Grammar, I probably wouldn't have gone down the self harm streak.. I probably would still have long hair.. I probably wouldn't be on this medication.. But leaving Grammar led me to Rosebank, and to my job, and I know that I wouldn't trade that to take me back two years ago.. But sometimes, I wonder.. Would I be a different person? Would I be happier? I don't know.. But I know that something good came out of leaving Grammar, even though I'm only realising it now..

I learnt what the world was like. I learnt how to truelly feel, and I learnt that there is some hope left somewhere, you just need to look. It might be in the form of a memory, or a person's words.. Or in someone's eyes.. Just a look, a feel, anything, that will tell you that you'll be okay.

In the past, I have done things I wish I hadn't. I have said words I wish I could take back, and I've lost people that I wish I didn't. I guess the recent months have shown me that I can fight back.. That I can learn to trust someone again, learn to love someone again, and even if it doesn't work out.. In the long run I'm going to be okay.. I guess now I'm just going to have to accept it all.. Even though it might not be what I wanted, not one bit..

I'll just have to get used to it..

That's What You Get.

Last night was the work meeting.. Yay4Oporto. I still don't see why I had to go, seeing as Mohit wasn't there anyway.. But whatever, we went for dinner afterwards, even though I only had a coke.

Still confused about everything, by the way. And last night didn't make it any better.. So I came home, went straight to bed (yeah, I had like a gazillion hours of homework as well) and cried for a very, very, very long time.. Also contemplated suicide, which was, you know, the last place I wanted to end up in in my head. I thought about od-ing, but really couldn't be bothered to get up.. And then I did something I haven't done in a long time.. I prayed.. You have to see, the day my Nonna died, I just lost faith in God completely. Sure, I believed there was a God, but I didn't believe in him.. If you get my drift.. I just thought I was being punished, because I asked to be taken, and my Nonna died instead..

So, I prayed, and I asked for the pain to be taken away.. I am so sick of feeling hurt, and betrayed.. And I don't think I've been as angry as I was last night in a very long time.. I repeated, must have been a hundred times.. Just take me.. Just take me away from my pain.. I asked to be taken to the place where my brother and Nonna are.. I just wanted out last night, so badly. I felt useless. I didn't see myself being able to study, because I was so disappointed, and depressed. I thought "I have to do it tonight..". I didn't see myself passing any exams, I didn't see myself making it to the end of the year.. I just gave up.. I just wanted out.. I just doubted myself so much.. Eventually, I fell asleep. I woke up around 12:30, and I had two messages from Tom..

Again.. This is what I don't get, I just don't understand it.. I just want to know what he wants from me. He misses me? That's great, it makes me feel that I had some sort of positive impact on his life. I wrote in the previous post that I didn't want it to turn out like last time.. I don't know what to do.. I honestly don't.. Less than 24 hours ago I was in a place that I have tried so hard not to go back to.. And that's because I accepted, not completely, but mostly, that once I left work, be it Thursday night or Sunday, that would be it. He didn't want me in his life, I would've been fine. I had accepted it.. I had made myself feel okay about it.. But he said he missed me, and I know I missed him.. He meant too much to me.. I wasn't just going to ignore his messages.. I just felt strong last week.. The topic of him came up, I just asked not to talk about it. But now, I feel so completely weak. And I feel betrayed in a few ways, and I wish I didn't. I just wish I knew what he wanted from me.

Slow Show.

Last night was my last time working.. I just have had too much of Ziggy, no way in hell am I going to work on Sunday D: Anyway, while I was leaving work I checked my phone and I had a message from Tom.. To be honest, I didn't know what to expect when I opened the message.. It could've gone from anything to "i h8 u bitch, zomgz". Anyway, the message asked if I missed him.. In previous posts I have said I missed him, which is true.. But I kind of accepted that that was it.. I'd miss him for a while, but it would go away after awhile.. I think I pushed whatever I felt towards him away.. It just didn't hurt so much anymore.. I had quit work, I had announced that I hated him.. I had found out supposed answers to questions I had waited two months for.. I missed him, but I didn't think about it as much.. I accepted that whatever "it" was, wasn't coming back.. I just lost trust in him, and then everyone else..

Last week was a bit hard on me.. I wasn't handling shit very well.. And I started thinking things weren't worth it again.. And I felt useless to stop it.. I felt powerless. And I got into a fight/argument with a girl at work.. which just made everything feel worse..

I don't know what to say again, I don't know what to do. I'm sick of all these games that get played. Tom said he missed me once before, and we started talking again.. for one night, and that was it.. I don't want it to happen again.. This is what makes me feel so worthless.. It's like they have to check on me, to make sure I'm okay, and that's it.. Just make sure she's okay and the guilt will go away. And once the guilt's gone, then I'll slowly drift from their minds.

I just wish I knew where I stood with him >< Does he genuinely miss me, or is it out of guilt? I guess I just need reassurance.. I just need to know what he wants from me.. If it's out of guilt, I don't know how I'll forgive him.. I just don't see the point of contacting me for one day, and that being it.. It's not very fair on me.. I forgave him for what he did a while back.. He's only human, after all. And I know that I'm a handful.. I was just angry because he promised it all.. He promised he wouldn't leave.. And even though I had my doubts, I wanted nothing more than to believe him.. I guess I put too much pressure on him.. I don't know anymore.. I used to get so worried that he'd meet someone better than me, someone prettier, someone smarter, someone just better for him.. I guess that's why what Shar told me made sense.. Everyone at work seemed to know more than I did D: Oh, I don't know what to do.