Slow Down.

This week has just reminded me of things I've already known, for a long time..

I look back on the past years, and I think all I'm trying to do right now is understand. I'm trying to understand myself, I'm trying to gain greater knowledge. I look around my room and there's places that just trigger memories. I look at my bed now, and I was sitting on the right side on a Monday, around 9:00 p.m. in 2006.. and it was in that spot that I told myself that I was going to suicide.. And I think that was the first time I ever intended to honestly carry it out. Then, if I walk into the bathroom and look in the shower, I was there the same night trying to drown myself.

So what's the point of reminiscing? Quite truthfully, it never leaves me. I've let go, but I still carry it around with me. I'm reminded every day that I'm not with the people I love the most because of me.. And sometimes I hate it, and sometimes I regret it.

I guess this week has just re-opened my eyes to what I've always, or should have always, known. Life can still shock us, life can still surprise us.. Life can fuck us around till there's no point.

Life has done all three to me.
1. Life can still shock us:
I say Sunday night was a pretty big shock. Mainly because I had remained oblivious, and maybe because I expected more. But I was a factor in the shock metre, and I can't do much about it. It hurt to have to figure it out.. But hey, life does that.

2. Life can still surprise us:
I've kind of had a rough time since August this year, and it's only started to get better recently. Read previous posts if you must, they'll probably give a better outline. I don't think I was as happy as I was on Thursday night/Friday morning ever, because it was then that Tom told me he loved me. And I think I could've started crying. I could type for a very very very long time about this, I could.. But basically I gave up hope in August, and him telling me he loved me.. Just was the best thing that could've happened.. I just can't explain that. I guess the surprise was knowing that there was always hope. The surprise was overall knowing that he cared still.

3. Life can fuck us around till there's no point:
Just because I say it was the best thing, doesn't mean I haven't been fucked around this year. Seriously, this year hurt more to be honest. And I think that was because I convinced myself my fighting days were over, when they clearly were just starting up again. I kind of let my guard down to be honest.. I thought everything would've been okay. And it wasn't okay, and I didn't know what to do. There were times when I tried suicide, there were moments when I contemplated the end. And it still hurts.

I don't try to be negative. I honestly have tried my hardest this year to make it through. The week before trials I didn't want to wake up. It was the night of the Oporto meeting/dinner, and I got home, went to bed, and told myself I wouldn't be able to do the exams. Pretty much gave up that night I think.. And maybe I wouldn't have made it through, I don't know.. But I slowly did.. And I made it through the School Certificate aswell.. I'll make it, I guess. One day I'll be okay.. I just have to work for it.. Nothing in this world comes easy.

Sometimes I wish I could explain who I am better. Sometimes I wish I could talk about it.. But I guess if I choose to let someone in and know it all.. I won't have any place to hide, I'll be exposed.. I had someone like that a while ago now, and it hurt a lot to lose that. Because all of a sudden I was on my own. And it is hard to fight for yourself.. atleast it's hard for me..

I guess I've always expected people to turn out like the ones I've known before. Doesn't mean it makes it easier when I find out they are like them.. Possibly even worse then them.. It just means that I have expected it.

I sometimes feel like I've fallen short of the person I should've been. And sometimes I understand why people do the things they do to me.. I just wish this life was easier.. Sometimes I don't think I'm going to make it. And that's the hardest thing in the world for me to understand.. I'm not overly proud with who I am, nor with what I've done and become..

Sometimes I wish I could take it back.