Hope For The Hopeless.

So, I guess I didn't really know what I expected of today.. I feel.. Better.. In a sense, not completely as great as I did at the beginning of the week.. But, better.. You know, it's progress. I guess I've found some internal answers that I've been searching for. I feel.. I don't feel as numb, that's for sure, I felt something today..

I don't know what to type at the moment.. I guess I need to type some form of truth.. So I will.. I just need to find that truth again.. I don't think I've felt like I did today with someone else in a while.. I feel like I'm making some sort of progress, but there's still something lingering.. I can't even really figure out what it is.. It's not fear.. I think it's a lack of knowledge.. Uncertainty? Maybe. Okay, I guess there's a form of fear entwined within.. And I think this is what got me in trouble last time..

When has uncertainty ever not brought fear? When has the lack of knowledge not brought about some form of fear? If someone can find me someone who has ever had some sort of situation involving uncertainty and HAS NOT been fearful, I need to talk to that person today. Because, I'm pretty sure every single person I know has felt fear when they are facing the unknown. I need people to understand that this is not a one off "zomg-scared-and-unaware-of-shiz" feeling.. I have felt fear throughout my past, and it just so happens that yeah, I'm afraid again.

I want people to understand where I am coming from.. I need to somehow make people understand where I am coming from.. Because I do NOT, not ever, ever again, want to doubt what I am doing. I do not ever want to wake up and feel like I've done something wrong, or stupid, because I cannot find people who can agree with what I am doing. I need to do this, all of it, for me. I need to have peace in my mind that this time I've done everything I could do to make something work in my favour. Yes, it's been pointed out that last time I got hurt bad. Yes, I know I got hurt bad.. I've got the missed days on my report, the sketches in my art pad, these stupid blog posts, I have reminders that I got hurt bad.. Daily reminders. But there is always going to be that chance that no matter who I choose to trust, they may hurt me.. Someone told me, basically, that you just need to find someone worth the chance. I feel like I have, and now I'm choosing to let go of all that hurt.. I don't want to think about it anymore, I don't want to be reminded of it anymore.. Because it did hurt bad.. And when people point that out, it makes me wonder if I'm honestly doing what's right for me..

It makes me remember that pain.. I do remember the numerous conversations I've had over this stupid topic.. I do remember how much it hurt to wake up some days.. I do, I remember it all.. But I also remember the pain I felt before that.. You know, pain I felt from two years ago.. And I remember how that hurt.. I remember all of it.. I do.. Just like I remember the pain from this year.. But I remember the feeling I had the day it didn't bring me down anymore.. I remember the feeling I had the day I could let go, the day I stopped punishing myself.. I was able to let go of that pain because I had found something that made me not doubt myself anymore.. And I honestly think that that something made me feel so much better, about everything.. So I then lost that something.. And I think that's what caused my greatest downfall.. I had started seeing the world as a place that didn't want to punish me.. I had this false belief.. Some stupid belief that everything would be okay, and then it simply wasn't. I had built this belief on the fact that I had met someone, someone that pretty much was the whole belief. So I lost that.

And in some ways I lost myself.. And I think this is where the concern my friends are showing is aimed at.. I didn't go to school for a few days, and when I did, it was pretty much crap. I missed Nathan more, simply because I didn't want to admit how much I missed Tom. So then I think I faked being okay.. In times of true stress I don't remember much.. I know I slept a lot, and I know I lied a lot about being okay. I know I contemplated, and attempted suicide, and I know none of it made me feel even remotely better.

So yes, I understand why my friends are concerned, and I understand why they worry. But if this blog post can have one outcome, it will be that my friends understand what I'm feeling right now.

I don't know, I still don't know.. How to explain what I'm feeling, and what I'm doing.. I'm not a strong person, I don't know how to fight back.. That's partly the reason why I do kickboxing. My mother wants me to feel like I have some power and can defend myself. I feel quite small when I look around and see other people, I sometimes feel insignificant.. And I'm usually one who gives up if the war seems too hard. I need people who read this to realise that I am far from strong, I am far from what I see as a capable person.. I have always felt as though I could be more as a person.. I feel regret a lot.. For the things I didn't say, the things I didn't do.. The things I know I could've done to make it all better. Now I've been given some chance to make it all disappear.. I need to do this for me.. I need to feel okay with everything again..

I just need to feel that this time I did everything in my power. I feel right, even though at this moment I'm feeling not completely good.. I just feel better.. I feel like I'm doing what's best.. I just wish the people who care about me the most could see where I'm coming from.. I just don't want them to expect the worst.. It makes me expect the worse. I want them to understand that I have gone over this a million times in my head, and I still feel like I'm doing what's right for me. I wouldn't go into something without thought, not now.. Not after all this..