The Only One.

I feel sad, because a friend of mine is going through some shit and it reminds me of how I used to be. I guess with this whole Tom situation, it really has opened my eyes. I've been through a lot of pain these past years, but I guess it was all worth it to have Tom tell me he loves me again. You know, even typing that and my eyes are watery. But it's true. I think back on the past years, and even though I have wished a thousand times to change all the events, I wouldn't if I was given the chance.. Because everything I've done has led me to Tom. And I don't remember ever feeling as happy as I do when I'm with him, when I'm talking to him.. Even when I'm thinking about him..

And it makes me feel useless in a sense because she's feeling as useless as I used to. She reminds me of Year 8 Sarah. Year 8 Sarah was the worst Sarah I remember. I used to try and escape into music, I used to draw my problems away, I used to sit in my bed, and cry, every night. I was suicidal most in Year 8. I used to take a million pills throughout the school day, and there was no effect on me. I used to cut, a lot. And I got that way because I lost.. I lost and it changed who I was. And she's the same way right now. She's lost, and she doesn't know how to explain what she's feeling. She's trying to escape into her music, and she told me.. She feels like there's a hole in her heart. I used to think I had no heart. I used to be so numb. I can't explain the numbness I feel. But when I feel happy, I can feel happy inside. When I felt numb, I felt nothing inside. I don't know if anyone reading this has felt no emotion like that, but it sucks. Seriously, it feels like something's missing.. So I understand the hole in the heart.

So now I'm listening to Evanescence. There's a song called Missing.. I think this song pretty much sumed up how I felt in Year 8. I used to think there was never going to be a way to get over what happened.. I used to expect that one day, I would succeed in my suicide.. Or, the person that broke me would come back. I never succeeded in the suicide, and that person never came back.. But I made it. I got over what happened. With a lot of counselling, a lot of medication, and someone else helping me get over it.

I was okay, until that person was gone. I had got over what had happened with the said person from before, but I hadn't let go. So I was doubly fucked because I missed them both. The situation with me and my friend is different in terms of what had happened.. But they still had the same outcome..

We both feel like we weren't enough. I felt like there was something greater out there that had prevented their return.. And sometimes it still hurts. But I think it hurts because it was the first time I had experienced pain. It hurts because I still look over my body and see cuts.. And I still, sometimes have dreams of a place where none of this had happened. I sometimes have dreams of them coming back.. And, up until now, I used to wake up in a far worse sort of pain.

Now I want to cry. Because I'm in pain. I feel sick, I feel hurt.. I would be lying if I said it ever stopped hurting. Because I will always carry the mark of what happened.. I have scars on my legs, on my arms, I haven't got the hair I used to have..

I guess I wish I had something to tell her that would let her know it's going to be okay. Because I guess right now she's feeling far from okay..

You know, and this isn't the only thing that's making me feel shaky at the moment. Who knew it was possible to lose so much respect for so many people in 24 hours? Sarah didn't, that's for sure.

I guess I won't ever fully accept that everything's going to be okay. But I accept that there's always going to be a tomorrow, and that day might make everything okay, even for a minute. I wish I had more advice to give, I wish I could say something that could fix the pain thats been inflicted.. But I can't. All I can do at the moment is keep reminding her to continue on fighting, because there will be a tomorrow, where it will be okay.