Missing.

So.. I'm pretty much unsure on everything again. And I want so much to be sure. You know, I want to know if it's going to be alright.. And I want to know now.. Because it's so hard to not listen to people.. People that seem to know me better than I do. I feel so much better now, and I don't know if I'm going to forgive myself if I listen to them enough to back out. But I don't know how to not listen.. I can't help but agree when they tell me things I already know.. But I won't be okay if I listen to them.. I don't even know how to stop crying now.. And I don't know what to say..

I want that feeling I had at the beginning of the week.. I want to feel okay.. I don't want to dread everything again.. I want someone I can talk this through with.. You know, I just want someone who wont agree with what every is saying.. Trust me, I've spent hours this week analysing, and going through my head, just thinking everything through, and I come to this wall. I don't know how I feel.

I've been crying for about half an hour now. I woke up this morning dreadful enough to go back to sleep. It hasn't been like that in months now.. I just want tomorrow to come, and hopefully I'll know. I want to feel in my heart that I'm doing what's right. I don't feel anything at the moment.. I just don't know how to explain it. It was pointed out last night, that yeah, he's hurt me, and maybe I just need to hear everything from him.. Then maybe I'll know how I feel. It's killing me inside.. It is.. Because I just want today to be over.. I just want tomorrow to come.. I just want it to be alright..

So I don't know how I feel, I admit that. Jazz said last night that I was in love with him, and that's not true. You know, I'm not in love with him. If I say I don't love him I'm lying, and if I say I love him I'm lying. I know, it's confusing. I'm confused. And I think it has come this far with us, that I need to do this for me.. If I back out, I won't forgive myself.. Because I'll then spend a very long time wondering what could have been.

I just wish I didn't feel so fucking confused and lost ): I wish I felt better about it all.. But I don't.. I just need tomorrow to come.. I need that feeling again.. That feeling I had that no matter what, I'd feel okay about everything. I need that feeling today.. I need that feeling, instead of this crummy dread feeling. I felt so okay, so sure of everything, and now I don't know what I feel.

And, in three weeks, I'm back at Oporto. Yayforlife~