Seasons Change.

Hello, wonderful world.
How eventful and unforgettable this week has been.
However, I would like to start this post with the words "I'm going to do a Nathan".
You see, certain people think it's okay to start referencing my past, when they think they can make a point.. Some sort of stupid ass statement.
I'm so glad I didn't tell you about Tom, because maybe that would've hurt. Hell, you can reference Nathan to everything.. It's not the first time you've done it.. And it's not the first time it doesn't affect me. I'm angry, however, at the fact that you come off as such a smart child, but can be such a stupid fucked up bitch. And that you think it's okay to bitch to my cousin about people who couldn't care less about you.

But that's it. That's all I'm going to say on this stupid topic. I can treat people like they don't exist, and from this moment onwards, you do not exist. What, what's that saying? Oh yeah. That's right. I'm going to do a Nathan.

__


Not knowing is the worst thing at the moment.. Not knowing what tomorrow will bring, not knowing what next month will bring.. Not knowing where my life is headed..

I thought waiting would be okay.. But I'm scared.. I'm scared this will be like last time.. I don't know if I should wait anymore.. Because I won't be able to handle the outcome of waiting gone to waste.. I wish I was able to look into next year, and see where I am at. Because if I'm able to do that.. I'm able to decide on this waiting situation..

Each day that passes I dread it more. I become more scared, more worried.. I don't want to lose again.. But I have a strange feeling I will.. And if this feeling is confirmed by more days of waiting.. I won't know how to let it all go..

I'm reminded of having hard but easier pain now, or pain that will be unbearable later. I'd rather have pain never.. And I'd rather prolong it as long as possible.. But if, if I can't prolong it.. Will I wait for the date to come and get that unbearable pain? Or will I do it now and take that hard but easier pain? It's hard now just thinking of it.

Dear Sarah and Kelsey.. I need some advice..

I Hurt Too.

This week has been seriously crappy.
I've been feeling pretty crappy about myself again. I know, I know, I'm "so pretty", I'm "innocent". But I just feel so shit about the person I've been. I'm sick of feeling alone..

I don't even want to go to formal. Fuck formal, I swear. All it has caused is problems, and I'm probably going to end the night by jumping off something. Same with Oporto cruise, I swear. I can just imagine myself jumping off the boat ~ That's why I wanted to take Ellis, so someone was watching me incase I couldn't handle it and did jump off. I'm kind of dreading the cruise now.. I guess I'm dreading a lot now..

I'm faced with not knowing what I want again. I don't know what to do. I wake up feeling numb, I go through the day being a bitch, and I come home and try to sleep it all away. Doesn't really work, because I have to wake up the next day and go through it all again.

I haven't been able to draw for a while aswell.. Something about the innocence and freedom of it is gone. Now all my drawings are just pages of depression.. Pages of what I know my life is again. It's also been really hard to cry.. I can feel the tears forming, but they won't come out.. I don't know whats wrong with me.. I don't want to go back to this shit.. I want it to be gone.

Why all this pain? I just want it to be gone. I just want someone to come and take it away. But I can't trust anyone enough to let them in like that..

I just feel so depressed.. I don't think I'm all too well either.. It's just so hard at the moment.. At the moment? Who am I kidding? It's always hard. My medication doesn't work.. It's meant to make me feel happy.. But I've been feeling the opposite now, for a while..

I don't understand people that just jump into things. I don't understand a lot actually, but that's something that has been standing out lately.. I wish I was able to let go. I wish I didn't feel the sadness linger. I feel disconnected again..

I notice that when I sleep more than 7 hours I have dreams.. The thing is, they're always about things I dread.. Things I dread happening, but things that are out of my control. I woke up the other morning, and I thought this one dream had happened. I can't explain how I'm feeling at the moment..

It's like losing something, accepting it was gone, and then it's back. And you don't know what to do, because you had accepted it would never be like it was. And there's parts of your heart that has accepted that whatever you felt.. It's gone.. But you're still a girl who needs people, and now you're scared, even though your heart isn't really in it anymore.. You're still scared of losing.. Because you're so used to losing.. And no matter what this "something" has done, there was a time when it meant everything.. And you know what it feels like to lose everything, and to wish, for a very long time, for its return. Maybe you don't know what to do in your current situation because every other time, once it was gone.. It was gone. It wasn't coming back.. It never came back.

And this dream just showed me what I was scared of.. And what had happened once my fear had come to life.. I'm used to not getting what I want.. I know, that with every good thing that happens to me, an equally worse off thing can happen.. I know life isn't fair.. And sometimes its not fair on me to know that.. Sometimes I wish I was like so many of my other friends.. The ones that think love is this thing that exists after years, the ones that have never, not even close, ever been depressed.. The ones who have lost hardly anything..

Sometimes I wish I was like them. Because if I was like them, I know in my heart that I would never wake up numb, I would never have to reflect in my attitudes how I'm feeling.. I'd never try to fix my problems by sleeping them away..

I'd be a capable person.
Not even I trust myself.

Come Undone.

Well yay for being over all this fucking shit.
And Sarah Clark number 2 thinks I'm model material, because I have that type of prettyness, wth?

I am the worlds worst friend. God I hate myself. He needed me, and what the hell can I do? Nothing. I can't do anything about it. How the hell do you try to convince someone not to take their own life when just a few weeks ago you were in the same situation as him. Sure, maybe the scenes that took place were a little different, but in the end, we both thought the same things. And then we have to welcome being crushed. Oh fuck this fucking shit. Why can't, for once, our lives be acting as though they're in our favour? Nothing is okay, again. And what if he does something to himself now, because of me? Because of how fucking crappy I am as a friend. I didn't know how bad things had got for him.. I didn't.. But I don't know what to say to him. "Sure, don't try suicide, because tomorrow's going to be a better day". I can't lie to him, because I've been in tomorrow for a while now, and it sucks. I thought I was okay with all this, but I'm not. I'm not okay.

What the hell does life want from us? Does it want to push us so much that we doubt whatever happiness comes our way? Is it going to hurt us so much just so we can hurt other people just as much? You know, I really am doubting myself again. What kind of person does this? I fucking don't know.. Who the fuck am I now? Have I become that person again? The one that doesn't give a shit about anyone else? The one that doesn't care anymore? The bitch I've tried not to be? Am I her again?

Who have I become, because I'm not who I wish I was. I'm just as bad as the people that have hurt me. And because of them, now I'm hurting the people that helped me..

I wish I could take all this shit back again. I wish everything was different. I wish I hadn't become me, I wish I hadn't done this.. I wish I didn't.. I wish I wasn't me.

And this isn't the only problem at the moment, trust me. I wish everything wasn't changing.. I wish I wasn't learning new things.. I wish everything was how it used to be.

Everybody's Changing.

I've felt, more than okay with everything for a few days now. I'm confused on what to do now. I've been focusing on just getting through Year 10, and then being able to think about what I want to do with myself, and what I should do in respects to the people around me. I've told myself just to wait, because their are a few dates that are coming up that will bring me to people I need to talk to, people I miss.

First date is in November, and I don't know what to do now.. I'm confused on what this one wants. We kinda ended knowing eachother over a year ago now, but I still, I still wonder about him from time to time. And hearing about him.. About what he says and does.. Sometimes I wish I still spoke to him.. Sometimes I wish we still knew eachother.. He said someday, someday we might talk to eachother again.. Someday we might know eachother again.. Maybe someday is coming.

And the second date is in December. Now this relationship is a fucked one I think. God can only know what I want, and God can only know what he wants. I'm scared of this relationship, I am. But I think all that fear has pushed me away in some respects, and it has caused me to be confused about what I want again. I think that if one doesn't work out, the other might.. But if I was asked about which one I would want to work, I can't answer that, and I don't think I can do that to myself again..

I want the waiting to continue forever, and I want it to stop now.

Someday.

I'm at this point where I'm okay with waiting. I, I realised today that everything will be okay.. I'm not depressed anymore.. And I realised today that that's because I'm happy. I'm actually happy. I don't know how things are going to end up, but I know, I know now.. That I will never ever feel alone again. I have so many people that care about me.. I'm finally seeing what people have been telling me for the last two years. If I need to wait for people, then I will.. And even then if it doesn't turn out.. I think I'm going to be okay..

I am okay.

This Thing That Breaks My Heart.

You know.. I really need to have a big whole confession blog. Because.. Today.. I guess changed it all again.. And maybe a few people out there need to understand whats going on in my mind..

Lately, I've been trying to focus all my energy, all my thoughts.. On something other than Tom. I kind of thought that if I tried, there was all the possibility that I could succeed. It might not have been what I wanted, but it made the thought of waking up to another day without him not as painful.

That doesn't mean I've moved on. Nowhere near have I moved on. I miss you every single day, but there's not much I can do without letting myself become vulnerable again. I don't know what you want, which has been pointed out several times that guys never know. But I really, really miss you. Everyday.

How exactly do I say this? I am just scared. That's all it is. I don't know what to think, I don't know what to do.. And I'm scared I'm going to lose you again if I let you in like I used. That, mixed with the feeling of not knowing what you want, is what causes me to feel like this. When I think about you, I don't think anyone has made me feel that happy in years. And it scares me not knowing. It scares me when I think I might lose you again.. And people have told me that maybe it's for the best, just accepting that that might happen.. And if I accept that, then we might as well not know eachother.

But I can't accept that. When Alex told me to just delete your number, and delete whatever messages I had from you, I couldn't. I can't just do that. But I can't just sit here and feel depressed every night.. I needed to do something..

Whatever words typed here might just be a lie to help me make it through another day, because I feel lost without you. And I don't know what to do about that, not anymore.

The First Time I'm Honest.

Dear Whoever,

So, I'm typing this, whatever you call it.. Because it's all I can do right now. I need to tell you things, and I wish you knew. But I can't do that to myself again. I wish I was strong enough.. I wish I was.. But I'm not. I can't do anything, not without somehow letting this out. I was waiting for a bus, and it hit me.. I don't want to have to tell myself to start again, I don't want to lose what I had worked to build.. But I already have. Because, I look back.. I have exams now, and the first day of my last exam block, was the day when I became sick again.. I mean, really. I came home, and tried to knock myself out.. I hit myself repeatedly, I told my mum I wasn't worth anything, I wanted to be dead.. I didn't see a reason.. And then I got a reason.. You meant so much.. And I didn't want to lose that.. I never, ever, ever wanted to lose that.. I didn't want to lose you.. But I did.. And now I'm only realising how much I really loved you.. How much you did for me.. And I honestly don't know what to do.

You weren't the first I person I loved.. But you're the one who meant the most.. I thought I could do this, but I can't.. I just can't.. I've tried to put all my energy into studying, I've tried to not be hurt, but I am.. And now I can't study. I just want everything to feel okay again. I just want it to be okay again. I just want you to tell me it's going to be okay.. Just like you used to.. Because I used to believe you, and I need that right now.

I still miss you, just like before.. Whatever I wrote in the post before this was probably just a lie. I kept trying to push away the hurt I'm feeling right now, and maybe it's because I'm scared again, maybe it's because I thought it would be best.. But it's not. I'll have to deal with it one day.. And I thought maybe dealing with that is trying to find someone else who makes you just as equally happy.. But right now, it's impossible. And maybe, maybe I don't want to find someone else. I mean, I can name two relationships right now that ended because I was scared. I don't even know what I was scared of, I didn't.. But I was.. Or maybe I just knew in my heart that no matter what that person did, I would never love them the way they deserved. And I think when you realise that, well there's not much that can keep your relationship together.

I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say. All I can say is I miss you.. Everyday.