.

Waiting.
The worst thing in the whole world.
Time goes so slow.
So, so, so slow..
I don't know what to do to pass this time.
I just want to know either way..

Lavinia.

I want to cut my hair and dye it a dark purple. I wish I could run away, and sit on the beach, at 3 a.m., listening to the ripple of the water. I wish I could escape. Where would I go? I wanted to move to England a few months ago. I want to escape from everything now, and start over. Would it even matter if I were gone? Everything is so fragmented. What's the point? This is not an emo blog, this is life. My life, the way it's been for five years. I need the pills to make me smile, how sad is that? I need to escape from this all. I need a way out. Not from life, suicidal thoughts are long gone. I'm better in some respects. I just need out of this way of life. I work hard, but for what? What's the purpose?

the tide that left and never came back is on my mind tonight.

;

Years pass and people change. The bluest skies can turn to grey.

And though it's going to hurt for now,

every ship must sail away.

Untitled.

What if everything you wanted isn't enough anymore?

Tide.

All I ever really wanted was to dream.

You've been through worse than this, I know you have. I was there, every single moment. I want you to look at this whenever you need to, and know that you have never, not even in your darkest moment, been alone. You're strong, and you know it. Somewhere deep inside is a strength you hardly know you have. People hate for no reason, people exclude for no reason. People do the things they do for themselves solely, and more than anything you've seen this in the last year. You lost a friend because she lied to you, and all you tried to do was help her, because you knew the pain she was in. You tried to be a good person, you tried. You've been trying for four years. And if you fail, you can get back up. You're strong enough to do that, you've fallen time and time again and gotten back up time and time again. You never used to see a future for yourself, because you thought you wouldn't have made it this far. You were pretty sure by the time you were sixteen you would've succeeded in suicide; you wouldn't be here anymore. You'd be with your brother, and your grandmother. But you made it here, and I'm proud of you. Sometimes you want to cry, and that's okay. Sometimes you're sad, and that's okay. Sometimes you miss the past, and that's okay too. You can't let go sometimes, and that's okay. But you haven't given up yet, you've made it this far. You got through the pain, the depression, the dark. You can control yourself now, you don't hate yourself anymore. You got through the dark, the relapse. Your scars are healing, the twenty something you blogged about last year. You used to think you'd never get over it, over what you did, and would cry and worry because every day you thought of it, and the horrible person you had been. And now, you don't worry. You got over it in an almost complete sense. You don't accept what you were and what you did, but you don't hate yourself for it, and know it happened for a reason. Time eventually healed that wound, just like it has healed the wounds from last year, the year before that, and the year before that. You know he has a lot to do with your happiness, and you can't help but want to cry when you think about that. He has changed your life, fixed the brokeness of your life. Healed some of your wounds, and given reason. Sometimes you still wonder what the point of being here is, just like you've done for four years. And sometimes you don't know why. Sometimes you don't know who to turn to, because you yourself don't know why you are feeling the way you do. Sometimes you feel alone, but that doesn't mean you're alone. Sometimes you're feeling lost, but you're not completely lost, and you won't be, ever again. Whatever life gives you, you just have to fight back. Never forget to fight back.

I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul.

Soldier On.

Wow, it's been a while since I blogged. Well it's holidays, which is super, super exciting. I like waking up at 11 o'clock, and falling asleep in bed while reading or knitting. Only downside is I have to remember where I'm up to in the book. Currently reading Pride and Prejudice, and I'm actually liking it, my second attempt at reading it and all~~ Very excited because my Dad bought me 30 filters for my beautiful camera, and they're arriving today (:~ Oh, I love my camera so ~~

Been painting a bit too. Need to continue on with Tom's painting, his birthday next week and I'm knitting him a scarf (with my Mum's help ~~), painting him a beautiful (:/) picture, and I've got some ideas for actual presents. Have to go shopping.. Which I really want to do right now.

All in all, it's been a pretty awesome 4 days of holidays. I wish everyday was like this.

L.O.V.E - Gotta love Ashlee Simpson.

How many girls can say that their boyfriend bought them nine bunches of flowers for their nine months. Not many. I've been told that he has made all guys look bad, and I don't know how to disagree on that. I woke up on Friday to my Mum saying Sarah, you've got a visitor. I looked up at her, and then I saw my beautiful boyfriend behind her with a box full of flowers. I didn't know the nine bunches thing until my Mum came upstairs, and then I was like "Oh my God you hottie McHottie~~". I felt so loved (: We then proceeded to lie down for a bit, and he fell asleep (: Awwww, babyyyy. So then he had to leave.. BUT IT WAS OKAY, I saw him Friday afternoon (: We had a candlelit dinner, it was so cute. His dad cooked us food, and we ate outside with a candle. Awwwww (: It was the best 9 month anniversary I ever had. I love you so much beautiful boyfriend (: So so so so so so so so so much~~ Also, it's my one year with blogger in 2 days! Who else can say that, hmmm?

Guitar Hero.

But you are my love, the astronaut..
I really love you Amanda Palmer. I'm in bed, about 12:40 in the morning. Cannot sleep, so I thought I'd blog on my phone, and listen to music, just because I can, you know~ I'm very excited for Soundwave, oh lifffeeeez. I feel complete. After Soundwave I can die peacefully. Oh weeeells, what a short blog. Should sleep. Double maths tomorrow, joy~

Hot Mess.

Yes, I know I was not going to do a new blog, but I felt like blogging about my beautiful, amazing, cuteeeee boyfriend. I should be doing Ancient, but you know what - Tom's more important. And I really hate Ancient (A)

So, my dearest Thomas,
How do I love thee~
I love thee greatly, that is how I love thee. That is exactly how I love thee.
I love how you let me put mascara on you, I love how you think I'm a freak when I yell. I love that you and my brother are bumchumzzzz, and I love how you love Crystal, and she obviously loves you too. I love when I see you in the morning, and how you smile at me and then my Mum calls you cute. I love how we have a friend at Gloria Jeans, and how I can tell you anything at all. I love how you're appendix loves me, and how I only have half an ovary left. I love how you're my best friend, and you always make me laugh. But mostly, I love how much I love you, and how much you love me. You mean the world to me ~ I love you jelly belly.

lykwot.

My last post for a very long times - here's to the people that ruined blogger. thnkz guyz. Now I'll just have to find another place to rant and bitch about my tweeny problems.. Oh, wait. Nvr mind.

Rescue Me.

I have no idea when I'm going to start V.A, I just cannot be bothered at the moment. I just want to sleep. Mmmm, sleep sounds excellent at the moment. Not motivated to do anything at the moment. Might just listen to music, make a poor attempt to feel better.

...

My accomplishments in the past month:
- I taught my self to knit, yayay.
- I got 100% in general maths, a woooooo~
My fallings:
- I'm still a moody child.

Fifty-two weeks ago tomorrow would've been my sixteenth birthday. And I remember that day. I had school, and then had work. And I met up with someone beforehand. She was a good friend, and even though everything ended on bad terms, I find myself wishing her every happiness, and I find myself missing that friendship. I honestly miss working, just for the people I used to know. Except Ziggy. But before him, Oporto used to be this really awesome environment. And I miss those people. I miss the Sunday Crew especially..
So I've changed my aspirations for after school again. Now I want to venture into Egyptology. And even though I'm welcoming the future, and all these new things, I still miss some things. I wish we didn't have to change, but I also wish some people would.

Just some thoughts as the end of my 16th year approaches.

Haunted.

Today I went out with Maria, and it was good. I love that girl a lot. Bruno was so bad we had to watch Hannah Montana to make up for it. The highlight of my day was when my Mum told us she wasn't Italian anymore. How, do not ask me ~
Also, I still love Kelly Clarkson forever. We were talking about her in the car and then Since You Been Gone came on and we sang our hearts out~ I also kicked Maria's arse in ABBA Singstar, despite what she says.

Maria, you are a hot bitch. School next week.. Not looking overly-forward to it. But it's my birthday on Friday, and then my party Saturday.. So it should be good. All I want for my birthday is the permission to sleep in every morning, and a big hug from my dog. And maybe a puppy~ So my Bella can have a friend (: Speaking of Crystal.. it's her birthday next Friday too (: I love my dog.

.

I never really got into the whole Michael Jackson scene, but every song I've heard in the past two days I know. And I thank my father for that. My dad seriously has all this musical knowledge jam-packed into his head, it's amazing. Like today, he was telling me all this stuff about Michael Jackson. Did you know (atleast in England) the Thriller video premiered at 12 o'clock on MTV? Well I didn't either. Or that he sang a song about his pet rat? Like seriously. I've been hearing all this stuff, like he was depressed and only happy when he was singing, and it makes me sad in all honesty. Lisa Marie Presley wrote in her blog that he said he was going to die like Elvis Presley, and now I can only imagine what his death was like. Hmm, I don't know, but now I'm thinking Michael Jackson was a really amazing person.

On a lighter note, I love Kelly Clarkson. For evsssssssss.

Anywhere.

All of these moments are lost in time
But you're caught in my head like a thorn on a vine
To forever torment me and I wonder why,
Do I wish I'd never known you at all?

I was reading something, and I know it's cliche, but it was true. To some extent, I don't think we can fully erase pain. When you cut open your skin, it might heal, but there is still evidence that there used to be something there.

So, I'm sick. I've been taking numerous days off school for the last few weeks, pretty much because I've been feeling depressed. It's being sick, but a different kind. So now I have the flu, and I want to go to school, but I can't. I recently re-discovered my love for The National. Seriously, if anyone knows a site that doesn't fuck up the mp3 downloads from a Youtube video, let me know. I will worship the ground you walk upon. I willllll~

Okay, short blog. I should be reading Strange Objects. Hello English..

The sun and the moon, an ocean of air. So many voices and nothing is there, but the ghost of you asking me why..
Why did I leave?

Lost and Found and Lost.

Hello old friend. Well, you were created for a reason, and who have I been kidding! I'm nothing at the moment without my medication. I've been off it for a bit, but today, I took it because I needed to feel a little bit happy. I had a fight with Tom last night, and he treated me like I was this evil accusing bitch who didn't trust him. I was right, and we had a fight, only for him to do what he said he wasn't going to do. And guess what! He didn't even tell me. The joy of Facebook, right?

You know what, I don't understand people full stop. I'm just so angry right now. All I wanna do is crawl up and die. My life, without this relationship, sucked. But it sucks right now because I'm feeling a lot of shit inside. I've felt depressed all friggen week. I don't know anymore. I just give up.

Intro.

Well, a little update is needed I assume. Got my L's today, about time, I know~ I had my first driving lesson also. Holy fuck, I swear. Went out with Jazz last night, had a good night. I have so much love for that girl~* Haha (: But srsly, I love Friendship Fridays~~*

Tom's still in America. I'm seeing him in one week! Woo life (: I also need to start organising what we're doing Saturday. I know where we're going, but I need to organise it.

I'm finally getting my government money. $900, here I come. I'm looking at SLR cameras, and the one I was looking at was $887. I told my Dad about it and we went to have a look at them. He saw a model he liked, and then he bought a magazine on reviews and thinks that ones the best to start off with. It's $1400, haha, but he's pretty keen on getting that one for me.

Here's a photo of my future baby:


Isn't it just beautiful! Haha. I also had my first driving lesson in a Daimler, feeling pretty awesome about that~

I'm having a love affair with Vanilla Tea. The best shit I've ever tried in my life, I swear. Oh, and Grape Fanta~ Dear Lord, where hath thou been all my life?

Oh well, dinner is ready. I shall blog sooner or later~

If I Can't.

For all the hours here that move to slow,
There's all this letting go that won't pass.
If all this love is real how will we know?
And if we're only scared of losing it how will it last?

Don't Let Go.

So.. I have an aunty with skitzophrenia, and my mother actually told me how it all happened, how she became sick in the first place..
All over some boy.

And then I was thinking.. Wait.. Why am I on medication again? Initially, it was over some boy. Maybe there are some genetics involved, you'd have to check my family's history. But realistically, I got put on the medication because I couldn't handle where I was going, all because of some boy. Now I'm not blaming the circumstances on someone else, I know in my heart what I did was wrong.. The person I used to be was just wrong.. Everything that happened after that day was just.. Not how it was meant to be. And I couldn't get back to what I wanted.. And that pain took a toll on my body. It's been over three years, but I know it's still there somewhere. And since that day I had believed that if I found something that was worth fighting for everything would be okay, I would be okay.. If I could fill the void in my heart then everything would be okay. I'd be home again, I'd be safe.

It's kind of hard believing I can be safe again when I'm so vulnerable. I lost a lot of friends the past years, but I've managed to keep the most important one, the greatest one. But I lost a friend, a few months ago.. And I miss her. And I guess sacrifice is a big part of our life, even if it isn't to the extremes some would imagine. And a part of me dislikes myself for the decision I made..

The thing I wish I could have, more than anything in this world, is faith. I want faith in God, I want faith in the people (most of them atleast) around me. I want to be able to believe in better and greater things, I want to find truth in the words people say. But the thing I need to do, before anything else, is protect myself. I need to take care of my heart, and to make sure that tomorrow I'm still breathing just as easily as I am now.

The pain's never left my side. It's something I carry with me everyday. It's there in the morning when I take my medication, when I'm going to a school thirty minutes away instead of ten. It's there when I look at the people I've known for two years, not five. When I come home and look at the cemetary, it's there. When I shower, there's marks over my body, where my self-inflicted pain is clearly present. There's pain in the people around me, especially my mother..

And now I'm questioning the world again.. I used to believe that someday all of this would get easier, would be better.. But now I don't believe that. I got what I thought would make me feel better, but overall the outside world seems to have nothing to do with it. It's in my mind. But if I'm sick, how will I feel better? It wont get easier, simply more manageable. This, however, seems to now be my life. And all I can do is accept.

Happy Saturday night.

We all begin with good intent, love was raw and young. We believed that we could change ourselves, that the past could be undone. But we carry on our back the burden, time always reveals - in the lonely light of morning, in the wound that would not heal.. It's the bitter taste of losing everything that I have held so dear.

Untitled.

I looked in the mirror today, and for the first time in a long time I felt like something was missing. What is hope exactly? It's an unseen thing, but a word spoken of. Is it a light at the end of the tunnel, is it a saviour? Is it someone that can pull you out of a hole, or offer you words of consolation? Hope.. to believe something desired may happen, to trust.
So this is the Age of Despair, right? What's the opposite of despair? What is despair? It's the opposite of hope. This is the Age of Despair.. so can hope really exist? If these years are the ones of despair.. There is hopelessness..
There is no hope.

I've never understood the purpose..
Never.

Shadows and Regrets.

All I want is to be home.

321.

So my mum's pretty sick, and my dad's pretty much a bitch. Threatened to kick me out and called me a liar, woo, loving life~

Couldn't even go to school today, had to take care of my mother. Eric had to walk to school and got hit by a car, double woo~

In all honesty I can't wait for the weekend, and then the holidays. Friggen going to be sleeping in past seven! YAY LIFE.

Argh, so annoyed at life ><

It's the 31st today, so four days ago it was the 27th. I was writing, somewhere, about the past years. And I can't believe it's been nearly two years already. It's like between the shit at Grammar and when she died, that was only a year, but it felt like two different worlds. And it's nearly been two years.

Everyday, when I come home from school, I catch a train. And I look out, when we get to Lidcombe, at the cemetary. I miss my Nonna everyday, I still miss her. When I think about how much has changed since she passed, she has missed out on so much. She didn't get to meet her newest grandson, and I feel sorry for him, because he's never going to meet her. He's never going to understand, I guess, what he's missing out on because he's never going to know her. My oldest cousin had a baby girl, and I remember when Nonna died, and how much it affected her. And now my cousin's child won't know her either. My Nonna's a great-grandmother, and I know she would've loved that child more than any of us probably could.
It makes me sad in all honesty. The life and death cycle, it just makes me sad.
Someone can have such an impact on your life, and be gone the next second.
They're just gone.
There's nothing beautiful about death, it's a cold, watery chaos that seeps into our lives. And that chaos can leave, or stay and turn into an ocean.

I miss you Nonna,
everyday.
27/04/07 (L)

Squalor Victoria.

I think I've accepted that I need certain people, but I don't want them to know how much. And I can be a bitch about it, but I'm seriously trying my hardest. I'm trying to be better than what I know I've been, I'm trying. It's kind of always been me against everything, and I'm not used to having people on my side. If I tear myself down, I have to tear them down also.

And because I don't want them to know how much I need them, they don't know when they upset me, and I can't explain it. And it's all stupid. In my head it's not, but in reality, it's just completely stupid. I'm a really jealous and insecure person, and I practically have no self esteem. To me, everyone else in the world is better than me, so why should I have these good things when they don't?

Being sick doesn't help the situation either.

What Sarah Said.

So I had a sudden urge to clean my room, partially. And I did so.. Partially. I think I came across one thousand bits of paper. I am not joking either. And on six of these bits of paper is a poem I wrote, just around the time my grandmother passed away. Pretty much is a summary of the things that happened, leading up to when she died. And I don't know, but reading it.. It feels like it was a long time ago, and it feels like it was yesterday - at the same time.

"I don't know when we'll see each other again or what the world will be like when we do. We may both have seen many horrible things. But I will think of you every time I need to be reminded that there is beauty and goodness in the world. "

That is all, and goodnight.

A Short Story Of Nearly Nothing.

S0 last night = Amanda Palmer.
Fucking awesome. I swear.

She sang a song, I've been trying to find it's original artist but I've failed to do so. And in the song, it said "I don't need you to need me to need you". It said 'want' was fine, but needing was bad. Because, and she sang this, one day you die. Now in some context maybe dying isn't physical. Maybe it could be the dying of a relationship. So if you need someone to live, and it doesn't work out, you'll be fucked. But if you can learn to not need them, and just want them, if things don't work out, you didn't need them to live, so living would be in reach. Pretty much, it all made sense. You know, for the past few days I've been feeling really shitty. And I know there's some sort of reason behind it, but this song spoke to me. Back when Tom and I weren't talking, I found it very hard at first to cope because I felt like I needed what he gave me. Turns out I was stronger than I thought. And gradually, you know, slowly, I started to be okay. I started to realise I didn't need him. I only wanted what he gave me because it made me feel better than whatever I used to feel.

I'm just not a really strong person.. And I think I needed to hear a song like that. Kudos Amanda.

For An Optimist, I'm Pretty Pessimistic (See what I did there?)

I am short on words..

I don't know. I guess to start off with.. happy three years. I was dreading today, since the other day when someone said it was the 24th, and it wasn't. But it's here. I woke up, and I didn't remember. I was doing homework, then I remembered.. I don't know what to do now. I don't know.. What's the point of this? What's the point of it all? I don't understand it now.. I don't understand life.. I don't know why we have to fight, why should we fight? I don't want to fight right now.. I'm not strong enough.. But I just can't bring myself to suicide.. I don't want to end, but I don't want to fight. I just want to be at a place where I'm at peace. Where I don't feel what I'm feeling inside.. But I know that from here on out there's just going to be more hard days. More hard times. Nothing's going to get easier, only harder.

Why would I want to live in a world like that?

It Hurts

So somedays, today being one of them.. I just get upset. There's nothing really wrong, but it's one of the depressing days I go through every few weeks.

It's the day where I tell people I don't mind being alone, but I want, more than anything, someone to tell me I'm not alone. Most of the time these days I've got a smile on my face. But I'm not naive to think everything's going to stay this happy, blissed-out way. I know, sooner or later, I won't be as happy as I have been the past few months. I'm not being negative, I'm just being realistic.

It's the days like this I have to remember why I get this way. I don't know.. I just don't like thinking about the past anymore. I'm sick of revisiting times, and thoughts, and memories of people that made my life unbearably hard. I don't advertise my blog link anymore. People get critical of what I write in here, and all I want is to be able to find a place, online, on paper, whatever, where I can express my thoughts..

That's all for now..
Ciao.

Hello/Goodbye.

I've been able to keep things from affecting me the past two months because simply I've been oblivious all along. I've been telling myself everything's okay, and I've been believing it. I've been able to live without regret for a while now. I don't regret the things I did last month, last year. But I did regret last night..

If you want something in this world, then you fight like hell for that something. If you want it bad enough, you keep fighting. If you don't get what you want, you either didn't want it bad enough, or gave up. Don't ever blame your circumstances on someone else. At the end of the day, you've been dealt some sort of card, and how you react determines everything. If you've had a bad year, then you fight back until you're satisfied again. If you've gone through a bad time, a bad break up, a bad friendship, then you still fight back. If there's anything in this world that can destroy you, you fight against it. Fear leads to regret. Fear holds you back. But if you're at a point right now where you want something, and you know you want that something, then you need to fight like hell for it. Not fighting is stupidity, because if you look back on this day next month, next year, and didn't fight for what you wanted, and some how lost, you'll regret it.

There's always a winner, and always a loser. Someone who gets what they want, someone who doesn't. There's a poor winner, and a poor loser. The winner who rubs it in, and the loser who can't accept. This world isn't the best to live in. It's hard some days. I'm not saying it's not hard, I've had numerous hard days.

Last night I wished I hadn't left my first high school. Because if I hadn't, maybe someone could've gotten what they wanted. I had some stupid regret for some obviously stupid reason. I shouldn't, and I won't, apologise for my happiness. If that's what you want from me, then you'll never get it. Because I am not sorry about any of this. You say you've learnt from last year, and you haven't. Because if you've learnt anything, you wouldn't be so oblivious to the facts now.

You can't lose something if it was never yours.
If you wanted whatever, then you should've fought for it.
You say you did it to spare my feelings..
That's a load of shit.
Who am I to you?
Who are you to me?

Last year sucked, fine.
I know it sucked.
I lived through the sucky days.
I'm not excluding that.
And I still wish I could do something about it, because you used to be a really sweet girl that didn't deserve any shit, and all I ever wanted to do was help you when you did have un-needed shit.

But I can't do anything anymore.
I realised that last night.

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together "

You showed me that quote.
And sadly, you were right.
There's nothing else to say.
All I can really say is I'm sorry you fell for someone that didn't love you back.
I can say sorry for that.
Because that's the real worst kind of pain..
The pain locked inside your heart.
I wish you happiness, but that's all now.

Best Not To Think About It..

Where were you when everything was falling apart?

Wow, today sucked hard. Work is gay, so very gay. It's like the Italians verse the other ones, verse Iggy. All I wanted to do, all day, has been sleep. I woke up and wanted to sleep. I got in the car and wanted to sleep. I got to Burwood and wanted to sleep. Walked into work, wanted to sleep. Got to the chip station.. Wanted to sleep. I only waved at Hot Kebab Guy once all day, and that was after my shift. I don't understand why people would want to come to Burwood and eat HOT food on a fricken hot day.. I really don't..

So this is where you are.

And this is where I am.

Somewhere between unsure, and a hundred.

Ten minutes.

Twelve minutes.

Wow. Maybe I will clean.

Fuck this shit.

The last thing I need tonight is this.

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same..

Sixteen minutes.

Nineteen.

My family is totally awesome.
Everything is awesome.

So I was reading someone else's blog. Every second person I know now blogs, but, still, I read someone else's.

I don't like complaining about my situation in the world. I don't like writing "zomg, does my boyfriend really love me? I've got everything I want but still I'm suicidal.. Why am I depressed D:" in every single fricken blog. But this person did..

I'm sorry, but this week I've lost and gained respect for people. And after reading that.. I don't know.. But I don't understand people anymore.. If you've got what you wanted, why are you sad? Maybe it's not what you wanted! So don't sit there and complain about it, figure it the fuck out. My patience has really run out now..

Is it my lack of understanding, or is the human race really just becoming shallow pieces of dirt?

Hello, my name's Sarah.

I'm a deep girl in a shallow world.

.. A really shallow world.

I used to feel stronger than this.

I really did.

I went for a very long time, knowing I needed someone but not having them.

I used to be strong.. In the days I thought I was weak.. I was strong.

That was strength,

Who I was.. She had strength.

I went two years, hurting, but I made it out of it.

I'm not suicidal anymore.

I don't self harm, I'm trying to be better than that.

I'm trying.

But right now..

I don't know what to do.

I had a shit day.

A shit night.

And all I want is The Fray to sing me to sleep.

Hopes & Fears.

There's a few bands in the world that I know of that have something unique and powerful about their music. The vocalists have a way of sending a chill down my spine in a very much good way, and the lyrics leave me thinking and wondering hours after the song has finished. For maybe four or five minutes, the music I'm listening to gives me something to believe in. These artists may come from a place half way across the world, but for some minutes in time, are with me, telling me with the words they have, secretly.. Everything will be okay in the end. They might not say that, but there's something in their voice that is telling me, letting me know.. That the pain they are singing about, the lessons they have learnt, the music they are playing - in the end, everything is going to be okay. There is something truly powerful and wonderful about a band that can give hope and belief.

So this post is entitled "Hopes & Fears". I don't just randomly name these blogs, it's usually after a song. But this post is after an album. Probably one of the greatest albums I own. It is the title of an English rock bands' first album. This amazing band is Keane.

So this blog is dedicated to my hopes, and my fears. What I wish for, and what I dread.

Hopes:
- I'll do good enough to get into uni, and hopefully get to pursue something arty ~
- Everything I want right now is what I have tomorrow.
- One day have a great family. I really want a daughter. I'm thinking the name Alison something-or-other.
- Meet Hugh Laurie.
- One day somehow let Andrew McMahon know his bands song 'Hammers and Strings [A Lullaby]' made me have an undeniable and sadly sorrowful outlook on life. It made me believe and reflect. It sent a million chills down my spine at once.
- The same goes for Evanescence. Except for one song, it's their whole four albums plus the leaked shiz. God I love Amy Lee so truthfully.
- Have an artwork of mine in an art gallery. I don't care where - just anywhere.
- Being able to look back and have no regrets with anything. I'm like that right now. I regret nothing, and it's a great feeling (:
- Being a good person the next sixty years or so.
- Being able to one day be strong enough as a person to do what I truly want. Not just sit back and let it all happen, but take action.
- Go to a total of 100 gigs by the time I'm 25. Counting now, I've been to: Hilary Duff (Y); The Veronicas; Kelly Clarkson; Tegan & Sara; Foo Fighters; Architecture In Helsinki; British India & co.; Kevin Devine & co.; Panic at the Disco, TAI & Cobra Starship; Goodnight Nurse;. - There's probably more, but I'm tired and it's hurting to think. So that's ten. I need ninety more in the next nine years. I can do it (:
- One day not being afraid of change.

Fears:
- Getting old too quickly.
- Losing sight of what's important.
- Not persuing in the art department.
- Not getting to be the person I wish to be.
- Not being with the people I want to be with.
- A world without Tom.
- Just overall not living life because I'm too scared, or because I don't think I'm strong enough.
- Having regrets. Regrets kill me. Trust me on that.
- I think I could live with not meeting Hugh Laurie, or the Evanescence and Jack's Mannequin things. But I would very much like to cross off the rest of my 'Hopes' list as done (: I wouldn't like leaving a single one. I fear that. Everything in that list is something I want in my future. I need that list.

So that's what I've got tonight. I finished work two hours ago, and I'm tired. If I think of more, I'll be sure to add them.

You think your days are uneventful and no-one ever thinks about you.
She goes her own way. She goes her own way.
You think your days are ordinary. And no-one ever thinks about you.
But we're all the same.
And she can hardly breathe without you..

Well think about the lonely people.
Then think about the day she found you.
Or lie to yourself.
And see it all dissolve around you.

I love Keane. I love this album. I love that song.

Either Way, I'll Break Your Heart Someday.

So when my first relationship ended I used to have a book where I wrote down everything, where I sketched my drawings.
Then one day I didn't have that book, and I felt very lost without it.

The same thing kind of happened with this blog.
I started blogging because I was feeling pretty lost and angry, and then I gave up on it a few days ago, and I felt a little lost this afternoon when I was thinking about it. Looking at the posts I've done since September, this blog kind of seems like the book I used to have, where I'd come and just write about how shit life was without that certain person, and how I was trying my hardest to be okay, but certainly failing at that.

Things have been going good now. You know, when I started this blog I didn't think I'd ever say that.. Definately not about Tom, that's for sure. But, in the department of Sarah's shiz, things have been good.. Maybe not a few days ago, but you know.

So I kind of started this blog at 9 last night, and it's 12:42 a.m now. I need music, but my iPod's dead, so I'm waiting for it to charge and listening to Tom's iPod. Man, the only band I really know on it is Three Days Grace. So now I'm listening to a song about suicide ~~ Yayyyy.

(8)This world will never be what I expected;
And if I don't belong, who would have guessed it?
I will not leave alone everything that I own.
To make you feel like it's not too late - it's never too late.

Even if I say it'll be alright,
Still I hear you say you want to end your life.
Now and again we try to just stay alive,
Maybe we'll turn it all around, cos it's not too late.
It's never too late.

I used to love that song so much.
It's a good song actually.
So is Gone Forever. I loved that song x 91820209719182o.

(8)Don't know what's going on,
Don't know what went wrong.
Feels like a hundred years, I still can't believe you're gone.
So I'll stay up all night, with these bloodshot eyes.
While these walls surround me with the story of our lives.

I feel so much better now that you're gone forever.
I tell myself that I don't miss you at all.
I'm not lying, denying that I feel so much better now that
You're gone forever.

~

And now it's coming clear,
That I don't need you here.
And in this world around me,
I'm glad you disappeared.

Yeah,
I loved that song.

This night feels like a night of remembrance ~
Remembering who I was, who I was with, what music I listened to.
Now I'm listening to Hawthorne Heights (:
I gave up on his iPod, but I'm using his earphones ~~ (Y).
They're good ~

I'm tired, but I'm in the mood for Susie Suh, so I need my iPod.
I really like finding artists who can express great emotion into their lyrics and music.
Susie Suh fo' sho.

Wow, this blog's going to be about music.
Awesome.

Amanda Palmer's coming to Australia ^^
Hmm, maybe I'm in the mood for The Dresden Dolls.

(8)Say what you will, I am the kill.

Just spent a good half an hour watching Amanda Palmer on YouTube (Y).
Blog out.

You Found Me.

Usually when I'm depressed I find solace in these blogs. I can be all pissy, and write about it. So much harder it seems to right about my happiness. Not that there's nothing to write, it's just a hell of a lot harder writing about happiness. With sadness, with depression, all I have to use are words like 'solitude' and 'lonliness' and the moods' set.
The only word I can use to relate to happiness.. Is happiness. And I am happy. At the moment, so very happy. I feel complete, I feel worthy. I feel better.

I used to always worry about not being enough. It's this damn feeling that used to stick around, the feeling that used to pop up the second something went wrong. I failed - you're not enough. I lost - you're not enough. It feels really good to not be questioning my worth anymore. It's like I just let go of who I used to be. It's an amazing feeling to not feel anything like I used to.

I'm so grateful that I met him. I don't regret anything of who I've been, I don't regret anything I've done.. Because every single bit of my past has led me to this spot, has led me to him.
I wouldn't have any of this any other way.

Wow, my phone bills going to be high this month.
Fuck 3.

Original Fire.

This will be my last blog for 2008. Honestly, I can't believe it's New Years Eve. The whole year seems to have flown by, and now the future is just tomorrow. This blog will probably be short, but I do need to blog one last time for 2008.

This year has been one of the best years of my life. I'm happy, fullstop. Looking back on the things that have happened this year, and the things I've done, it's a big thing to state that I'm happy. I've come along way since the beginning of 2008.

I'm sad to see 2008 go, but I'm happy for 2009. I can't wait for next year.
Okay, that's all.
Goodbye 2008, hello 2009.

Happy New Years!