Reflections - 2008.

This time last year I was just finishing Year 9. Year 9 was a sucky year, a follow up to an even worse year before. I think at the beginning of this year all I wanted was to let go. To look in the mirror and be happy with the person that was looking back at me. I've changed from the person I used to be. I've become stronger, and I've become happier. I don't see the end like I used to.

Last night (today is the 7th of December) someone from my old school decided to try and attempt to talk to me, after almost two years silence. She asked me if I still hated her, and I already knew the answer without having to think. No, I don't hate her. I don't hate anyone. There are two words I will never use without true feeling behind the word, and those two words are "hate" and "love". Yes, I do believe there are different kinds of hate and love, and there are only two people, excluding my friends - who I do love, dearly - that I have said the word 'love' to with true feeling. I do believe the word "love" is used to losely, as goes the word "hate". I never, nor ever think I will hate somebody. So no, I do not hate her. Nor do I dislike her. My only problem was I had expectations of a person she wasn't, and I got disappointed in who she turned out to be. However, like I said.. Whatever happened, happened forever ago.. And.. Like I've lately come to realise.. It was a lesson. I gained knowledge from it.. It was all part of a greater picture.. Whatever happens happens so for a reason.

I guess the biggest thing that happened this year was my heart healed. I started this year in a pretty bad place.. I was just starting to feel the emotional turmoil of things I had buried down.. Which was pretty bad in my opinion.. Maybe it's because I had buried it down I had forgotten things. I can remember the distinct day where I started to hurt again.. And my mind had gone fuzzy.. I couldn't remember where I went wrong, but I did. And somewhere in my head I thought that I would never find someone who would love me, because I had somehow lost the only people who could. I thought I was too damaged for any sort of person to come around and see someone more than who I felt I was. So I guess that day was a day where I felt honestly and completely alone.

But who was I to know that in just a matter of months things would start getting better? And slowly, they did. But I guess with every high, there has to be some sort of low.

And suddenly I was back to square one.
This hit me hard. I started hating myself again. I started losing trust in people, and I started losing trust in myself. Some thought it was stupid that I got hurt easily, others thought I got hurt too quickly. Some tried to warn me, and probably wanted to shout to the heavens that they had been right.
People always leave.
Always..

But sometimes they come back.
And he did. At first I was fairly hesistant..
With Adam, I think I tried to believe he would come back, because he would miss me.
But he never did come back, and I was left waiting for him for a very long time. And when the time came for me to accept that fact, it had been harder to do so.

This time, however, I accepted that he wasn't coming back. What had happened had happened, and I would hopefully meet someone who would change my veiws again, but hopefully this time not leave me so broken.

But it still hurt to see him, it still hurt to have to go to work and see him weekly. Because yes, I had loved him, and I did miss him. But it felt like he didn't.. He didn't care. And each week I was disappointed, because he just confirmed the fact that he didn't care. So I quit. Why the hell should I have to stick around in a place that had once felt like home but now felt like hell? I just quit, because one Sunday I had had enough. Oporto just didn't feel like it had once felt, I sure as hell didn't feel like I had once felt.
I had lost trust in so many people, and I don't even think they realised it.

He was there, my last shift. Didn't speak to me, and I had kind of expected it. I guess I still wished to be amazed, but I wasn't. He left, and to be honest.. I thought that was the last time I'd have to see him.. I guess I thought that was it.. Even though I say I accepted it, I missed him like hell.. And I was sad in thinking that was the last time I'd have to see him, but I guess I had convinced myself that if it was meant to happen, it would happen.

It happened.
He messaged me.. I checked my phone as I was leaving work.. And there was a message from him. I guess from that moment onward whatever sadness I had felt didn't matter..
How many times do we get another chance to make something work in our favour?
It just didn't matter, because he had come back.

However, like I stated, I was hesitant.

I've only ever told one guy, besides Tom, that I loved him, and that was Adam. And yes, I did love Adam. But I also loved Adam when I was thirteen.. And that love seems insignificant to the love I feel towards Tom now.

I don't want to type anything in this blog to scare off Tom.. But he's done so much for me this year and I don't even think he realises. The main thing, the thing that makes me love him so much.. He saved me from myself.. He came into my life and just changed the outlook I had on the world. And yes, he broke the promises he made the first time. But to be honest, I needed it. I needed some sort of warped reminder that the world isn't just magically fixed like I thought it was. But the thing that gives me comfort.. He came back, and he made us better. He made me love him again. He just fixed it all.. The insecurities, the tears.. The pain..

He fixed our relationship the day he admitted he missed me.
He fixed my heart the day he told me he loved me.

I'm always going to thank him for who he is, and what he's done for me. At the beginning of the year all I wanted was to just feel something more than the absence I had felt for the year and a half before. I always felt like something was missing.
I was right. Tom was missing. Now that I've found him, I never want to be without him.

So, 2008 -
I will always remember this as the year I was fixed. The year I fell inlove with the guy that saved me. The year that proved to me that there is no end.. Just new beginnings..