You Don't Love Me.

'There is no despair so absolute as that which comes with the first moments of our first great sorrow, when we have not yet known what it is to have suffered and healed, to have despaired and have recovered hope.'"
It's easy to find solace in words of people who have been gone for a considerable amount of time. Who said the above quote? A woman by the name of Mary Ann Evans, better known as her alias George Eliot. It's easy to hide behind a persona, I believe. It gives us the freedom to say what we want, without honestly being judged. How would it have come across if a woman had said the words above in the nineteenth century? Not very well, I believe.

I have faith that in my 'tomorrow', whatever time that word refers to by the way, everything will be better. I have faith that everything will work out. And really, I think I've finally gotten better at convincing myself of that fact. Instead of worrying over things that I probably shouldn't worry about, I rely on facts and words to convince myself otherwise, and it works. I mean, right now I still need to talk about it, but I'm not worrying, I'm feeling alright.

I really don't see the end anymore. I haven't attempted suicide in a few months I guess, and I'm quite proud of the fact. Contemplating suicide and attempting suicide are two completely different things, and all I've done lately, if anything, is contemplate.

I guess in a few ways I do have a persona.. Something I do hide behind.. But I don't hide to honestly exclude anyone, I just hide because I don't truly understand the things I feel, the things I do.. I'm not very good at explaining what I feel, why I feel this way..

I'm not saying the person I come across is fake, all I'm saying is that person isn't 100% of what I am. Today two people at work said I changed, and I did take that to offence.. Mainly because the thought of 'change' isn't a welcome one, even though I do know that I have changed. When I had a fight with someone close to me they said that people usually change for the better, but I've changed for the worse.. Even though she was angry with me, I do believe that some parts of me may have changed for the 'worse'. Now I have more understanding of the things that happen around me, I understand a bit better why I have, in the past, felt the way I have.. I just understand more in general.. Maybe I haven't changed for better, or for worse, I've just changed for me.

And to Alex:
I was angry when I found out about the Ellis shiz.. But I guess I was just angry because it never came from your mouth, not once, even when I asked. But I'm not angry anymore about that.. I know more than anyone how hard it is to admit that we fall for the people we do, and how hard it is to try and make it work for us, but it's all worth it in the end. And even Ellis said it.. It's worth the fight because of the smile we get, and the feeling we have, when we are and think about them. You need and want him more than I ever will, and I know how hard it is to find someone that loves, needs and wants us back just as much. I have no right to come between that. No right ever. He was always meant for you.
__

I lost all I typed )): It was very long too.

This blog had been going on for four days. I'm pretty much feeling all good now ~ Everything that confused me has been cleared up, and all is well in the land of Sarah.

I need to work extra hard to get money for Christmas. I've worked the past two days, have work tomorrow, two formals, cruise and then work again. Fun fun fun ><
Well I think I'm going to continue on with my letter for Tom. More blogging later perhapsss.