Cold As You.

Two people in a matter of a few days have asked me why I started to blog. Honestly, I used to be very open about how I was feeling. I used to tell people I was depressed, I used to tell people I was on medication, I used to tell people I cut, I used to tell people I was suicidal.
Key word, of course, being used to.

One relationship I had with a person that meant a lot ended because I relied on them too much. I guess ever since then, I've been weary of telling anyone anything about my depression, in fear of them too having enough.

Woke up, and wished that I was dead, with an aching in my head, I lay motionless in bed.

I thought of you, and where you'd gone, and let the world spin madly on.

Everything that I said I'd do like make the world brand new and take the time for you - I just got lost and slept right through the dawn and the world spins madly on.

I let the day go by, I always say goodbye, I watch the stars from my window sill, the whole world is moving and I'm standing still.

Woke up and wished that I was dead with an aching in my head I lay motionless in bed. The night is here and the day is gone, and the world spins madly on.

I thought of you and where you'd gone and the world spins madly on.

I heard the above song shortly after my Nonna died. I do have songs that make me cry, because the lyrics are a bit too honest, and this song definately stood out. I look at myself now and I know I've come a long way. I've carried a lot of guilt around inside for two years, and I hadn't heard the above song in a while until yesterday (yes, I didn't finish this blog last night so now have to continue) and it got me thinking. There have been significant days where it has simply been shouted to me "Sarah, you're world is about to change". I guess my grandmothers death was a big change.. This was a loss that couldn't be undone.. And, in my suicidal and depressed state, felt that I, had in some ways, caused the death. Yes, this may seem farfetched, but let me set the picture for you..

The day my Nonna died was the day my year at Rosebank went to the Blue Mountains for an excursion. The day before I made a suicide pact with a friend.. We were to both die.. I was very depressed, and I don't even remember why. I was still seeing my psychologist, and was on medication. But, before this I had been relatively okay with things. I had been at Rosebank for a month and a bit, and I wasn't as angry as I had been. But something that night made me snap, and I made a suicide pact with a friend. I recall overdosing, but that being it. Enough to make me pass out.. And I did.. But before I lay down.. I prayed, for the last time in a long time. And I asked for pain to be taken away.. For me to be taken away.. For me to wake up and just be gone.

My Nonna woke up and pretty much was gone. I felt like this one another punishment for the person I had previously been. That call that morning.. It wasn't meant to have happened. My mother promised me 2007 was going to be better than 2006. And not even half way in I felt like I caused someone's death. Someone that loved me. I still think sometimes that it wasn't coincidental, that it was planned. And this day I lost faith in any God.

She had a heart attack, and was without oxygen for too long. She died that afternoon. No one was there, no one was there to say goodbye.

Mum picked Maria and I up from school that day. We went to Maria's house, and Mum, Dad and my Uncle left to go see Nonna. They were too late. No one called us to tell us anything. My Dad called, assuming I knew..

It was Strathfield Station awkward times a million when he had to tell me. We went to the hospital and Mum said she thought Nonna looked peaceful, that she was out of her misery.

I looked at her face and she looked angry to me. And just remembering that face is enough to make me cry. Everyday coming from school I pass the cemetary. And I look out, thinking she's there somewhere. Mum said now Tommy's not alone. He has someone looking after him. My Mum is the strongest person I know. She lost her son, after being divorced to a guy because he didn't want kids. She had a lot of trouble having Eric and I, and I nearly died like my brother because she had internal bleeding. I hope I'm half as strong as her when I'm older.

I don't aim to focus on the negative. But I can't really erase what has happened.

For a very long time I wanted it to be me. I waited to be taken away. I can't change that about me, I can't change who I've been, who I am..

I've had an overly hard time fighting back the circumstances I have been in. And it has scared me.

Anyway, back to what this blog was originally intended for.

I started blogging because I lost faith in the world. I didn't trust anyone once I hit where I used to be. I felt alone, and abandoned. I felt left behind, and betrayed. I don't bottle things up, I do let it all out. I used to let it out by cutting, then wandered back into drawing, and now I choose to blog. With blogging, I can say, or type, whatever I feel free to.

I started blogging because I was hurting a lot. And I was trying my hardest not to fall back into coping by self harm.

Parts of me closed off this year. I guess I've learnt not to trust everyone.

Man, my blogs are starting to sound very depressing lately, and I'm so happy aswell.