For Blue Skies.

When I started this blog back in September I was in a pretty bad place. And now coming close to the end of 2008, I really couldn't be any happier. I started this blog because I got hurt, bad, and there seemed to be no one, or nothing, to confide in. It almost seems unbelievable that the person that makes me so happy was also the one that put me in that bad place.

This year, more than any other year, was the year that gave me closure. Both years before this I was carrying some sort of burden into the next. 2006 into 2007.. All the Adam heartache, and 2007 into 2008.. Nathan ><. This year, I let go of it all. I don't miss my past anymore. I don't miss the people I used to. In 2006, and 2007, when New Years Eve hit, I was dreading a new year. In 2006, the year was the only thing that connected me to the people I was missing. As soon as 2007 started, there would be no connection.

I've come a long way from who I was at the beginning of the year. There were some days I was sure I wouldn't make it through, some days I thought were the end. Maybe this year hurt a lot, but it was also the most rewarding out of the last three years. I think the most unbearable pain is feeling alone. Alone - a simple word, but it hides a dark truth. I've pretty much felt alone for the past three years. I know I have friends, props to Jasmine here, but I guess the relationship you might have with a friend can only help the pain a bit. Honestly, I think love can save anybody.

I guess back in September, what was hurting me the most, was I thought I'd lost someone completely.. Someone I thought I could have really loved. Although losing him apparently had nothing to do with me, there was always the sense of regret.. I always thought I could have done something.. Anything.. To keep him.

So, rather depressed and angry at the world, I started a blog aimed at expressing how much I hated feeling rather depressed and angry, and how much I hated people who lied. People who broke promises. That right there was what broke my heart.. Straight out, I was honest.. And he promised.. And he broke those promises.. And I guess my regret was also aimed at me believing in him. I regretted believing him, because I knew that if I hadn't believed him, losing him wouldn't have been so terrible.

I haven't forgotten those few months where Tom wasn't in my life. I love him, so much, but I haven't forgotten. I'm still scarred. The promise of hope renewed. I guess now, when I think about it, I'm happy.. A bit, atleast.. That it happened. He missed me enough to come back, and I missed him enough to let him back into my heart.

I was cautious, however. This time, first and foremost, I was protecting myself. Before anything, I needed to know that no matter what happened, I would end up being okay. Because I had fought so hard to bring myself out of the hole that was created when I got crushed. And no way in hell did I want to go back.

But I'm glad I didn't listen to the opinions of others. For once, it seemed, I was standing up for myself, and I know I made the right choice in letting him in again. I'd go through all I have this year again for him. He has helped me so much, and has become such a big part of my life.

I love him so much. Meeting him changed my life. I could write a million words about him, but no string of words will ever be able to explain how much he means to me, and how much I love him.

He will always be in my heart.
That, I'm sure of.