For Blue Skies.

When I started this blog back in September I was in a pretty bad place. And now coming close to the end of 2008, I really couldn't be any happier. I started this blog because I got hurt, bad, and there seemed to be no one, or nothing, to confide in. It almost seems unbelievable that the person that makes me so happy was also the one that put me in that bad place.

This year, more than any other year, was the year that gave me closure. Both years before this I was carrying some sort of burden into the next. 2006 into 2007.. All the Adam heartache, and 2007 into 2008.. Nathan ><. This year, I let go of it all. I don't miss my past anymore. I don't miss the people I used to. In 2006, and 2007, when New Years Eve hit, I was dreading a new year. In 2006, the year was the only thing that connected me to the people I was missing. As soon as 2007 started, there would be no connection.

I've come a long way from who I was at the beginning of the year. There were some days I was sure I wouldn't make it through, some days I thought were the end. Maybe this year hurt a lot, but it was also the most rewarding out of the last three years. I think the most unbearable pain is feeling alone. Alone - a simple word, but it hides a dark truth. I've pretty much felt alone for the past three years. I know I have friends, props to Jasmine here, but I guess the relationship you might have with a friend can only help the pain a bit. Honestly, I think love can save anybody.

I guess back in September, what was hurting me the most, was I thought I'd lost someone completely.. Someone I thought I could have really loved. Although losing him apparently had nothing to do with me, there was always the sense of regret.. I always thought I could have done something.. Anything.. To keep him.

So, rather depressed and angry at the world, I started a blog aimed at expressing how much I hated feeling rather depressed and angry, and how much I hated people who lied. People who broke promises. That right there was what broke my heart.. Straight out, I was honest.. And he promised.. And he broke those promises.. And I guess my regret was also aimed at me believing in him. I regretted believing him, because I knew that if I hadn't believed him, losing him wouldn't have been so terrible.

I haven't forgotten those few months where Tom wasn't in my life. I love him, so much, but I haven't forgotten. I'm still scarred. The promise of hope renewed. I guess now, when I think about it, I'm happy.. A bit, atleast.. That it happened. He missed me enough to come back, and I missed him enough to let him back into my heart.

I was cautious, however. This time, first and foremost, I was protecting myself. Before anything, I needed to know that no matter what happened, I would end up being okay. Because I had fought so hard to bring myself out of the hole that was created when I got crushed. And no way in hell did I want to go back.

But I'm glad I didn't listen to the opinions of others. For once, it seemed, I was standing up for myself, and I know I made the right choice in letting him in again. I'd go through all I have this year again for him. He has helped me so much, and has become such a big part of my life.

I love him so much. Meeting him changed my life. I could write a million words about him, but no string of words will ever be able to explain how much he means to me, and how much I love him.

He will always be in my heart.
That, I'm sure of.

Just Be Simple.

I guess it's always a shock to find out who people are.

Maybe it's our own fault for never accepting who they were, just having expectations of a person they never were.

Sadly somewhere along the way I got used to losing people. Maybe I haven't lost this person, I've just lost the connection we once had.

However, I lost.
The greatest thing about coming back is catching up with all you left behind.
The hardest is looking your past in the face - and knowing they should've been part of your future.

Now should be the highlight of my year. But I can't help and feel sorrow for the loss I'm feeling at the moment.
You know what's worse than losing someone?
Losing someone and them not even showing a bit of sorrow in return.

Ironic at the moment - yes.
I guess the loss I'm feeling at the moment, however, isn't my fault at all.
All I ever did in this situation is love somebody.
But I guess with every person that wins, there is somebody that loses.
But I can't do anything about that anymore.
I just have to accept the circumstances now, and move forward.

I felt pretty crappy last night - so I started the above blog. Yes, I cut bits, but this is the general, not-so-depressive version.

I think I'm going to start taking the prescribed doses of my medication. At the moment I only take one a day, but I think I should take two.

Mkay, new day.
I bought presentsss today (: About to go wrap them, so more laterz.

Cold As You.

Two people in a matter of a few days have asked me why I started to blog. Honestly, I used to be very open about how I was feeling. I used to tell people I was depressed, I used to tell people I was on medication, I used to tell people I cut, I used to tell people I was suicidal.
Key word, of course, being used to.

One relationship I had with a person that meant a lot ended because I relied on them too much. I guess ever since then, I've been weary of telling anyone anything about my depression, in fear of them too having enough.

Woke up, and wished that I was dead, with an aching in my head, I lay motionless in bed.

I thought of you, and where you'd gone, and let the world spin madly on.

Everything that I said I'd do like make the world brand new and take the time for you - I just got lost and slept right through the dawn and the world spins madly on.

I let the day go by, I always say goodbye, I watch the stars from my window sill, the whole world is moving and I'm standing still.

Woke up and wished that I was dead with an aching in my head I lay motionless in bed. The night is here and the day is gone, and the world spins madly on.

I thought of you and where you'd gone and the world spins madly on.

I heard the above song shortly after my Nonna died. I do have songs that make me cry, because the lyrics are a bit too honest, and this song definately stood out. I look at myself now and I know I've come a long way. I've carried a lot of guilt around inside for two years, and I hadn't heard the above song in a while until yesterday (yes, I didn't finish this blog last night so now have to continue) and it got me thinking. There have been significant days where it has simply been shouted to me "Sarah, you're world is about to change". I guess my grandmothers death was a big change.. This was a loss that couldn't be undone.. And, in my suicidal and depressed state, felt that I, had in some ways, caused the death. Yes, this may seem farfetched, but let me set the picture for you..

The day my Nonna died was the day my year at Rosebank went to the Blue Mountains for an excursion. The day before I made a suicide pact with a friend.. We were to both die.. I was very depressed, and I don't even remember why. I was still seeing my psychologist, and was on medication. But, before this I had been relatively okay with things. I had been at Rosebank for a month and a bit, and I wasn't as angry as I had been. But something that night made me snap, and I made a suicide pact with a friend. I recall overdosing, but that being it. Enough to make me pass out.. And I did.. But before I lay down.. I prayed, for the last time in a long time. And I asked for pain to be taken away.. For me to be taken away.. For me to wake up and just be gone.

My Nonna woke up and pretty much was gone. I felt like this one another punishment for the person I had previously been. That call that morning.. It wasn't meant to have happened. My mother promised me 2007 was going to be better than 2006. And not even half way in I felt like I caused someone's death. Someone that loved me. I still think sometimes that it wasn't coincidental, that it was planned. And this day I lost faith in any God.

She had a heart attack, and was without oxygen for too long. She died that afternoon. No one was there, no one was there to say goodbye.

Mum picked Maria and I up from school that day. We went to Maria's house, and Mum, Dad and my Uncle left to go see Nonna. They were too late. No one called us to tell us anything. My Dad called, assuming I knew..

It was Strathfield Station awkward times a million when he had to tell me. We went to the hospital and Mum said she thought Nonna looked peaceful, that she was out of her misery.

I looked at her face and she looked angry to me. And just remembering that face is enough to make me cry. Everyday coming from school I pass the cemetary. And I look out, thinking she's there somewhere. Mum said now Tommy's not alone. He has someone looking after him. My Mum is the strongest person I know. She lost her son, after being divorced to a guy because he didn't want kids. She had a lot of trouble having Eric and I, and I nearly died like my brother because she had internal bleeding. I hope I'm half as strong as her when I'm older.

I don't aim to focus on the negative. But I can't really erase what has happened.

For a very long time I wanted it to be me. I waited to be taken away. I can't change that about me, I can't change who I've been, who I am..

I've had an overly hard time fighting back the circumstances I have been in. And it has scared me.

Anyway, back to what this blog was originally intended for.

I started blogging because I lost faith in the world. I didn't trust anyone once I hit where I used to be. I felt alone, and abandoned. I felt left behind, and betrayed. I don't bottle things up, I do let it all out. I used to let it out by cutting, then wandered back into drawing, and now I choose to blog. With blogging, I can say, or type, whatever I feel free to.

I started blogging because I was hurting a lot. And I was trying my hardest not to fall back into coping by self harm.

Parts of me closed off this year. I guess I've learnt not to trust everyone.

Man, my blogs are starting to sound very depressing lately, and I'm so happy aswell.

How Do You Dream?

Lately I've been trying to believe in the good of people. You know.. Trying to believe everyone has a good side, everyone cares about everyone..

Obviously that's not true. What's affecting my mood at the moment is the hold one insignificant moment of time to one person can have on another.

The greatest act of love is sacrifice.
I think what's secretly breaking my heart inside is I've been in the spot of watching someone I love love someone else. And it honestly sucks to be there. So this age is the age of despair? Yep, that's right. I guess it isn't so much of a shock anymore when I find out what people think inside. Everybody has a secret part to themselves, a hidden side.

I've been feeling a bit alone lately. I can't really explain that, I can't really explain why. I guess I've just been used to being on my own, and maybe subconsciously I will choose that as the way to deal. But regardless, I have been feeling alone. I don't talk to the people I used to.. You know for various reasons.. Sure, in one relationship I wish it hadn't been ruined, but it is. Now I can't talk to her about it, because I'm sure she doesn't need to hear about it. Everyone else? Well I guess there opinions were made, and now I'd rather not hear what they think, even if their veiws may have changed. I kind of don't have anyone to turn to.. I still feel insecure. And I guess I don't want to talk about it because I'm still not sure on it all. I guess when we love someone losing them daunts.

I felt pretty crappy tonight. I don't know why, but I did. I guess I still don't think I'm enough.. And I'm hurting a fair bit..

But I'm not hurting because someone wronged me, I'm not hurting because I'm heartbroken..
I'm hurting because I simply always hurt.

The guy I love loves me back. My mother and I were talking about the whole situation at the beginning of the week and she told me not to care about what's going on on the outside, to just enjoy what I have now because I deserve to be happy.

I'm not worried or anything.
Sometimes I just have a bad-like day, and when that happens I contemplate where I am in life. I'm pretty damn happy with everything at the moment.

I just wish some things stayed the same.
However, everything is constantly changing. All I need to decide is who I'm going to be in that picture.

Brown Paper Bag.

Things have been going very well lately.
Now I'm reading over very old blog posts, and I feel rather shitty.

I was rather depressed two months ago, now that I read over my words..
I wish I could say that what I was feeling was over exaggerated, but it wasn't. Those blogs.. I can still remember writing them.. I can still feel the sting of tears.. The sting of the cuts..

Things have been exceptionally good. I feel amazing, and so happy. I'm looking forward to the future, not back into the past.

Things are good. Everything's good.
Yes, this is a short blog.

Reflections - 2008.

This time last year I was just finishing Year 9. Year 9 was a sucky year, a follow up to an even worse year before. I think at the beginning of this year all I wanted was to let go. To look in the mirror and be happy with the person that was looking back at me. I've changed from the person I used to be. I've become stronger, and I've become happier. I don't see the end like I used to.

Last night (today is the 7th of December) someone from my old school decided to try and attempt to talk to me, after almost two years silence. She asked me if I still hated her, and I already knew the answer without having to think. No, I don't hate her. I don't hate anyone. There are two words I will never use without true feeling behind the word, and those two words are "hate" and "love". Yes, I do believe there are different kinds of hate and love, and there are only two people, excluding my friends - who I do love, dearly - that I have said the word 'love' to with true feeling. I do believe the word "love" is used to losely, as goes the word "hate". I never, nor ever think I will hate somebody. So no, I do not hate her. Nor do I dislike her. My only problem was I had expectations of a person she wasn't, and I got disappointed in who she turned out to be. However, like I said.. Whatever happened, happened forever ago.. And.. Like I've lately come to realise.. It was a lesson. I gained knowledge from it.. It was all part of a greater picture.. Whatever happens happens so for a reason.

I guess the biggest thing that happened this year was my heart healed. I started this year in a pretty bad place.. I was just starting to feel the emotional turmoil of things I had buried down.. Which was pretty bad in my opinion.. Maybe it's because I had buried it down I had forgotten things. I can remember the distinct day where I started to hurt again.. And my mind had gone fuzzy.. I couldn't remember where I went wrong, but I did. And somewhere in my head I thought that I would never find someone who would love me, because I had somehow lost the only people who could. I thought I was too damaged for any sort of person to come around and see someone more than who I felt I was. So I guess that day was a day where I felt honestly and completely alone.

But who was I to know that in just a matter of months things would start getting better? And slowly, they did. But I guess with every high, there has to be some sort of low.

And suddenly I was back to square one.
This hit me hard. I started hating myself again. I started losing trust in people, and I started losing trust in myself. Some thought it was stupid that I got hurt easily, others thought I got hurt too quickly. Some tried to warn me, and probably wanted to shout to the heavens that they had been right.
People always leave.
Always..

But sometimes they come back.
And he did. At first I was fairly hesistant..
With Adam, I think I tried to believe he would come back, because he would miss me.
But he never did come back, and I was left waiting for him for a very long time. And when the time came for me to accept that fact, it had been harder to do so.

This time, however, I accepted that he wasn't coming back. What had happened had happened, and I would hopefully meet someone who would change my veiws again, but hopefully this time not leave me so broken.

But it still hurt to see him, it still hurt to have to go to work and see him weekly. Because yes, I had loved him, and I did miss him. But it felt like he didn't.. He didn't care. And each week I was disappointed, because he just confirmed the fact that he didn't care. So I quit. Why the hell should I have to stick around in a place that had once felt like home but now felt like hell? I just quit, because one Sunday I had had enough. Oporto just didn't feel like it had once felt, I sure as hell didn't feel like I had once felt.
I had lost trust in so many people, and I don't even think they realised it.

He was there, my last shift. Didn't speak to me, and I had kind of expected it. I guess I still wished to be amazed, but I wasn't. He left, and to be honest.. I thought that was the last time I'd have to see him.. I guess I thought that was it.. Even though I say I accepted it, I missed him like hell.. And I was sad in thinking that was the last time I'd have to see him, but I guess I had convinced myself that if it was meant to happen, it would happen.

It happened.
He messaged me.. I checked my phone as I was leaving work.. And there was a message from him. I guess from that moment onward whatever sadness I had felt didn't matter..
How many times do we get another chance to make something work in our favour?
It just didn't matter, because he had come back.

However, like I stated, I was hesitant.

I've only ever told one guy, besides Tom, that I loved him, and that was Adam. And yes, I did love Adam. But I also loved Adam when I was thirteen.. And that love seems insignificant to the love I feel towards Tom now.

I don't want to type anything in this blog to scare off Tom.. But he's done so much for me this year and I don't even think he realises. The main thing, the thing that makes me love him so much.. He saved me from myself.. He came into my life and just changed the outlook I had on the world. And yes, he broke the promises he made the first time. But to be honest, I needed it. I needed some sort of warped reminder that the world isn't just magically fixed like I thought it was. But the thing that gives me comfort.. He came back, and he made us better. He made me love him again. He just fixed it all.. The insecurities, the tears.. The pain..

He fixed our relationship the day he admitted he missed me.
He fixed my heart the day he told me he loved me.

I'm always going to thank him for who he is, and what he's done for me. At the beginning of the year all I wanted was to just feel something more than the absence I had felt for the year and a half before. I always felt like something was missing.
I was right. Tom was missing. Now that I've found him, I never want to be without him.

So, 2008 -
I will always remember this as the year I was fixed. The year I fell inlove with the guy that saved me. The year that proved to me that there is no end.. Just new beginnings..

All I Want.

Well tonight, or yesterday, whatever - was one of the greatest nights I've had in a long time (:

Tom and I are together now ((:

Things have turned brighter in a week that looked very grey.

I definately wouldn't have thought this is how things were going to turn out three months ago.

Anywho, I'm going to go to bed.
Maybe I shall elaborate more later.

You Don't Love Me.

'There is no despair so absolute as that which comes with the first moments of our first great sorrow, when we have not yet known what it is to have suffered and healed, to have despaired and have recovered hope.'"
It's easy to find solace in words of people who have been gone for a considerable amount of time. Who said the above quote? A woman by the name of Mary Ann Evans, better known as her alias George Eliot. It's easy to hide behind a persona, I believe. It gives us the freedom to say what we want, without honestly being judged. How would it have come across if a woman had said the words above in the nineteenth century? Not very well, I believe.

I have faith that in my 'tomorrow', whatever time that word refers to by the way, everything will be better. I have faith that everything will work out. And really, I think I've finally gotten better at convincing myself of that fact. Instead of worrying over things that I probably shouldn't worry about, I rely on facts and words to convince myself otherwise, and it works. I mean, right now I still need to talk about it, but I'm not worrying, I'm feeling alright.

I really don't see the end anymore. I haven't attempted suicide in a few months I guess, and I'm quite proud of the fact. Contemplating suicide and attempting suicide are two completely different things, and all I've done lately, if anything, is contemplate.

I guess in a few ways I do have a persona.. Something I do hide behind.. But I don't hide to honestly exclude anyone, I just hide because I don't truly understand the things I feel, the things I do.. I'm not very good at explaining what I feel, why I feel this way..

I'm not saying the person I come across is fake, all I'm saying is that person isn't 100% of what I am. Today two people at work said I changed, and I did take that to offence.. Mainly because the thought of 'change' isn't a welcome one, even though I do know that I have changed. When I had a fight with someone close to me they said that people usually change for the better, but I've changed for the worse.. Even though she was angry with me, I do believe that some parts of me may have changed for the 'worse'. Now I have more understanding of the things that happen around me, I understand a bit better why I have, in the past, felt the way I have.. I just understand more in general.. Maybe I haven't changed for better, or for worse, I've just changed for me.

And to Alex:
I was angry when I found out about the Ellis shiz.. But I guess I was just angry because it never came from your mouth, not once, even when I asked. But I'm not angry anymore about that.. I know more than anyone how hard it is to admit that we fall for the people we do, and how hard it is to try and make it work for us, but it's all worth it in the end. And even Ellis said it.. It's worth the fight because of the smile we get, and the feeling we have, when we are and think about them. You need and want him more than I ever will, and I know how hard it is to find someone that loves, needs and wants us back just as much. I have no right to come between that. No right ever. He was always meant for you.
__

I lost all I typed )): It was very long too.

This blog had been going on for four days. I'm pretty much feeling all good now ~ Everything that confused me has been cleared up, and all is well in the land of Sarah.

I need to work extra hard to get money for Christmas. I've worked the past two days, have work tomorrow, two formals, cruise and then work again. Fun fun fun ><
Well I think I'm going to continue on with my letter for Tom. More blogging later perhapsss.