You Can't Break A Broken Heart.

I have attempted to blog about four times since my last post, but have just given up on all four ~ However, now I have something to write about.

I could write forever about how much he means to me, and how happy he makes me. Maybe I will write forever, just maybe. I can't go one hour without thinking of him. I can't go one day without talking to him. I don't know why I can't say I love him.. Maybe saying that isn't enough. I need him. And I don't think I love you says that. I need him, so much, and I don't ever want to be without him. I don't ever want to wake up again and know I'm without him. I feel better, I feel needed, I feel loved, I feel wanted.

Every wonderful year we contribute to a time capsule at Rosebank College, and I like to write a letter to myself. This year so far my letter just consists of things about Tom. And that lovely extract above is from my letter.

This morning, like, really morning :/ Tom told me he loved me..
I just had finished deleting messages that told me he loved me from before. It hurt a lot to think he didn't love me anymore. But, you know, I have adjusted myself to be okay with it. I still don't know what he wants from me.. I want to be with him, I do.. But it's just hard, and it's confusing. I'm pretty proud of the way I built myself up after all the shit that has happened. I think I've become stronger, and I know I definately think and analyse before saying anything now. It just really confusing and hard to understand the way I think and feel. I don't find a lot of meaning now when I tell people I love them.. I just don't think that word is such a great thing to say. I mean, how many times a day are we told that we are loved? What is a love? Is it a great affection, is it a need?

____

So this week seems to be the week everyone's finding eachother. Where am I in this road? I'm trying to find myself. I'm seriously sick of analysing this shit >< I know what I want, I know where I want to be.. But people seem to not accept that what I want is right.. It's not going to be good for me, it's just going to cause more pain than happiness. Blah, blah, blah. Now that I'm doing the time capsule reflection letter, I look over the past year.. What has happened, what didn't happen.. What I won't admit to the world, and what I will:
1. I fell in love.
2. I got, I guess Jazz was right - I got pulled around on a string, and then I got cut off. I wasn't what he needed/wanted. You know, I understand it, I do. I understand where, well I understand where Jazz is coming from. She can say whatever she wants really, she's my best friend and she's been through all this shit with me, and I know she just doesn't want to see me get hurt again, I know that. I just wish it didn't hurt this much. It all hurts, all of it. Because if something isn't right, if something doesn't go right and everyone's sure it wont, I'll only have me to blame. 3. I confused anger and hate with emotions of want.. Nights where I didn't know who I was.. Nights where I know I used people to add some sort of emotion to the void in my heart.
4. I let go. The main thing that affected me this year to be honest. I had nothing bringing me down after I let go.
5. I lost friends. People always leave, remember Sarah?
6. I gained friends.
7. I was reminded of what it felt like to be truelly happy.
8. I went back to self harm.. Today I could see the faint scars of cuts on my arm..
9. I lost myself, for a while.
10. I learnt that it was possible to feel after your heart breaks.
11. I mainly learnt that life is hard. However, I already knew that life sometimes sucks. Now I understand more - I guess we honestly just have to make the most with what we have.. What we are lucky enough to have.. Because I know that it's possible to lose sight of what's important.. It's possible to lose sight of what should matter in life. Sometimes life sucks, so you need to make the most of what you have during those sucky moments.
12. Letting go can be simple. You just need to meet someone that makes you want to let go. Part of not being able to let go comes with the honest truth that you don't want to let go. Sometimes you need someone to become your reason of letting go.

I don't think I'll ever be able to beat my depression. I'm okay with that. I know I need to continue, always fighting, because there are things in this world that are going to bring me down. There are things in this world that will want to ruin me, things that will take me back to the person deep down I am sometimes, the one who just wishes that twenty months ago, when she asked to be taken, she got taken. I will never let go of that part of me, because I have some sort of chemical imbalance that wont ever leave. But in the end, this is all a lesson. And I'm going to make it someday to a place where I wont have to think of the bad in the world. One day, it might be tomorrow, it might be years from now.. I will be okay completely. I will be able to handle what I feel, and develop my emotions into words. One day I won't be this. One day I'll be something better, I'll be something greater.
Everything from now on is just leading to that day.

And when that day comes I won't show hatred and anger to this day. I won't show any forms of regret to this year, or the two before. One day I won't look back and be angry. One day I'll look back and smile. One day..

Hope For The Hopeless.

So, I guess I didn't really know what I expected of today.. I feel.. Better.. In a sense, not completely as great as I did at the beginning of the week.. But, better.. You know, it's progress. I guess I've found some internal answers that I've been searching for. I feel.. I don't feel as numb, that's for sure, I felt something today..

I don't know what to type at the moment.. I guess I need to type some form of truth.. So I will.. I just need to find that truth again.. I don't think I've felt like I did today with someone else in a while.. I feel like I'm making some sort of progress, but there's still something lingering.. I can't even really figure out what it is.. It's not fear.. I think it's a lack of knowledge.. Uncertainty? Maybe. Okay, I guess there's a form of fear entwined within.. And I think this is what got me in trouble last time..

When has uncertainty ever not brought fear? When has the lack of knowledge not brought about some form of fear? If someone can find me someone who has ever had some sort of situation involving uncertainty and HAS NOT been fearful, I need to talk to that person today. Because, I'm pretty sure every single person I know has felt fear when they are facing the unknown. I need people to understand that this is not a one off "zomg-scared-and-unaware-of-shiz" feeling.. I have felt fear throughout my past, and it just so happens that yeah, I'm afraid again.

I want people to understand where I am coming from.. I need to somehow make people understand where I am coming from.. Because I do NOT, not ever, ever again, want to doubt what I am doing. I do not ever want to wake up and feel like I've done something wrong, or stupid, because I cannot find people who can agree with what I am doing. I need to do this, all of it, for me. I need to have peace in my mind that this time I've done everything I could do to make something work in my favour. Yes, it's been pointed out that last time I got hurt bad. Yes, I know I got hurt bad.. I've got the missed days on my report, the sketches in my art pad, these stupid blog posts, I have reminders that I got hurt bad.. Daily reminders. But there is always going to be that chance that no matter who I choose to trust, they may hurt me.. Someone told me, basically, that you just need to find someone worth the chance. I feel like I have, and now I'm choosing to let go of all that hurt.. I don't want to think about it anymore, I don't want to be reminded of it anymore.. Because it did hurt bad.. And when people point that out, it makes me wonder if I'm honestly doing what's right for me..

It makes me remember that pain.. I do remember the numerous conversations I've had over this stupid topic.. I do remember how much it hurt to wake up some days.. I do, I remember it all.. But I also remember the pain I felt before that.. You know, pain I felt from two years ago.. And I remember how that hurt.. I remember all of it.. I do.. Just like I remember the pain from this year.. But I remember the feeling I had the day it didn't bring me down anymore.. I remember the feeling I had the day I could let go, the day I stopped punishing myself.. I was able to let go of that pain because I had found something that made me not doubt myself anymore.. And I honestly think that that something made me feel so much better, about everything.. So I then lost that something.. And I think that's what caused my greatest downfall.. I had started seeing the world as a place that didn't want to punish me.. I had this false belief.. Some stupid belief that everything would be okay, and then it simply wasn't. I had built this belief on the fact that I had met someone, someone that pretty much was the whole belief. So I lost that.

And in some ways I lost myself.. And I think this is where the concern my friends are showing is aimed at.. I didn't go to school for a few days, and when I did, it was pretty much crap. I missed Nathan more, simply because I didn't want to admit how much I missed Tom. So then I think I faked being okay.. In times of true stress I don't remember much.. I know I slept a lot, and I know I lied a lot about being okay. I know I contemplated, and attempted suicide, and I know none of it made me feel even remotely better.

So yes, I understand why my friends are concerned, and I understand why they worry. But if this blog post can have one outcome, it will be that my friends understand what I'm feeling right now.

I don't know, I still don't know.. How to explain what I'm feeling, and what I'm doing.. I'm not a strong person, I don't know how to fight back.. That's partly the reason why I do kickboxing. My mother wants me to feel like I have some power and can defend myself. I feel quite small when I look around and see other people, I sometimes feel insignificant.. And I'm usually one who gives up if the war seems too hard. I need people who read this to realise that I am far from strong, I am far from what I see as a capable person.. I have always felt as though I could be more as a person.. I feel regret a lot.. For the things I didn't say, the things I didn't do.. The things I know I could've done to make it all better. Now I've been given some chance to make it all disappear.. I need to do this for me.. I need to feel okay with everything again..

I just need to feel that this time I did everything in my power. I feel right, even though at this moment I'm feeling not completely good.. I just feel better.. I feel like I'm doing what's best.. I just wish the people who care about me the most could see where I'm coming from.. I just don't want them to expect the worst.. It makes me expect the worse. I want them to understand that I have gone over this a million times in my head, and I still feel like I'm doing what's right for me. I wouldn't go into something without thought, not now.. Not after all this..

Missing.

So.. I'm pretty much unsure on everything again. And I want so much to be sure. You know, I want to know if it's going to be alright.. And I want to know now.. Because it's so hard to not listen to people.. People that seem to know me better than I do. I feel so much better now, and I don't know if I'm going to forgive myself if I listen to them enough to back out. But I don't know how to not listen.. I can't help but agree when they tell me things I already know.. But I won't be okay if I listen to them.. I don't even know how to stop crying now.. And I don't know what to say..

I want that feeling I had at the beginning of the week.. I want to feel okay.. I don't want to dread everything again.. I want someone I can talk this through with.. You know, I just want someone who wont agree with what every is saying.. Trust me, I've spent hours this week analysing, and going through my head, just thinking everything through, and I come to this wall. I don't know how I feel.

I've been crying for about half an hour now. I woke up this morning dreadful enough to go back to sleep. It hasn't been like that in months now.. I just want tomorrow to come, and hopefully I'll know. I want to feel in my heart that I'm doing what's right. I don't feel anything at the moment.. I just don't know how to explain it. It was pointed out last night, that yeah, he's hurt me, and maybe I just need to hear everything from him.. Then maybe I'll know how I feel. It's killing me inside.. It is.. Because I just want today to be over.. I just want tomorrow to come.. I just want it to be alright..

So I don't know how I feel, I admit that. Jazz said last night that I was in love with him, and that's not true. You know, I'm not in love with him. If I say I don't love him I'm lying, and if I say I love him I'm lying. I know, it's confusing. I'm confused. And I think it has come this far with us, that I need to do this for me.. If I back out, I won't forgive myself.. Because I'll then spend a very long time wondering what could have been.

I just wish I didn't feel so fucking confused and lost ): I wish I felt better about it all.. But I don't.. I just need tomorrow to come.. I need that feeling again.. That feeling I had that no matter what, I'd feel okay about everything. I need that feeling today.. I need that feeling, instead of this crummy dread feeling. I felt so okay, so sure of everything, and now I don't know what I feel.

And, in three weeks, I'm back at Oporto. Yayforlife~

I'll Always Be Right There.

I love how much my friends care for me, I love how they look out for me. I love how the worry about me, and I love how they only want what's best for me..

I wish I could explain what I'm doing, but I guess it would be very hard for them to comprehend. Most have known me over a year and half, a few have known me for longer.. And they've all watched me fall.. They've seen me be crushed, and they've watched and assisted as I built myself back up. I guess now it's very much harder to understand what I'm doing.. I can try and explain it, but it won't make much difference.. I need to do this, for me. And right now, I need this. I love you all so much for caring, I do, but there's only one person who is going to be able to change my mind about this.

Show Me The Meaning.

Day 3 of being home D: Argh, stupid medicine with the stupid making me more sick-ness. Besides that though, I'm all good (H).

So, I guess if I went back and read some of my first blog posts.. I'd see how far I've come.. Maybe I'm going back on my words though.. Because I can distinctly remember saying in one of the first posts I need to make my own happiness. I want to make this work.. I want to do everything in my power to make it work.. I mean, I just feel so much better now.. And obviously people can see that.

I just don't hurt anymore.. And it's an amazing feeling. I mean, for two and half years, I've been in pain.. And now, nothing hurts anymore. And I never thought I'd come this far.. I never thought I'd make it.. But I did. I haven't drawn in what feels like ages. And usually I draw when I feel something I need to express. Negative expression, by the way.

But there's one thing that wont ever change.. I'm always going to be scared. I'm always going to fear change, and loss.. But right now my fear isn't effecting me as much as it used to. Maybe I have changed.. Maybe it's the fact that I know now that there's always going to be a tomorrow.. There will always be something out there, something to pick us up when we've fallen down.. You just have to find it. And yeah, life gets hard. But somedays.. Life gets great. And those are the days you need to live for.

At the beginning of the year, I just wanted to let go of everything. I wanted to look in the mirror and say that "my name is Sarah, and I have something to live for". I can do that right now, because I will always have something to live for.. I live for myself.. I am enough cause to keep on living. Somedays I might forget that.. Because yeah, somedays might be hard. But I have a belief, that no matter what happens.. I'll make it through. I've shown myself that.

I just needed a little help in realising that..
For a full list of those who helped me, visit my newest myspace blog (:

I Let Go.

The world is finally on Sarah's side, yay for Sarah.
Today.. I let go completely. I was at the doctors, and I looked out the window.. And who did I see walk into the plaza? Nathan. I double checked, just to make sure.. And it was him.. And here's what made me smile leaving the doctors..
I didn't feel a thing (:

I think if you truly need to let go.. You need to see that person.. I was planning on telling them that at a party I was going to.. I was going to look them straight in the face, and tell them that I let go.. No matter how many times you've asked about me, no matter what you tell people.. I let go. I thought I needed to tell him I let go to really let go.. But I just needed to see him.. And when I looked at him.. I just felt nothing. And I knew then that I had let go.

So where does this leave me now? I honestly don't know. I'm feeling pretty crappy at the moment, but that might be because I'm sick. I guess I'm still just a little scared..

And my parents are fighting, and my father just said I don't think. What the hell? I wasn't even involved in the fight :/

This Is The Last Time.

It's so strange.. How things can change.. How things can go from completely crap to completely wonderful in a matter of days. I was unsure.. Of everything basically.. I was unsure of when I should let go, how I should let go, if I should let go.. I decided inside that the expiry date was to be the 14th of December, and if nothing had happened.. Then that was it. I was to let go.. I was to move on..

When people.. Okay, three of them asked why I was doing what I was doing.. I said I didn't want to look back and wonder what could've been. I was doing this to keep myself sane.. To this day I wonder.. Still, I wonder.. What could've been.. Why didn't I do the thing that could've made it all better? Why did I run? I don't ever want such questions wandering in my mind again.. Ever, ever again. People thought it was "crazy" that I still cared about you after all the heartache I went through.. And I don't think they'd ever understand it unless they were in my position.

I've been unsure on how I feel for a while now.. And I'm still a little unsure.. But I know that I felt a whole deal greater being with you today. And maybe all I need is some time to be honest with my self.. Time to think.. Maybe then this unsure feeling will leave..

Today was the first time in a long time when I felt truly happy. It was like all the waiting paid off, all the questions left unanswered were answered.. It just.. It felt good to be me today.
Okay, super duper good (:

This year fucked up, badly. I used to think that the world was purely evil. That life isn't fair. I still think that with every happiness I get, something can go wrong. But I used to think that something will go wrong.. I used to believe that, and when things did go wrong.. I found myself at a worse-off place. I used to believe that I was being punished.. I used to believe that I made one mistake, and would be suffering an eternity for it.. I used to believe that there was something greater out there, giving me certain types of happiness, and just taking them away.. I used to believe that my life would be a neverending story of loss.

I used to mourn the loss of people that probably weren't worth those tears. I used to hate myself, because I wasn't "enough" of a person to have their love. I used to be so alone. All I've ever done revolved around bringing myself out of the lonliness spiral. I am scared of being alone. I've always been scared of it, and I think that I will never conquer it. However, I have more understanding now. I realise that the world doesn't end because a relationship with someone you love does. I realise that the world has dark days, but equally great days. I accept that life isn't fair. But what justifies fair? What is fair? Maybe we all have the power to make our life fair, we just need to know that we have that power.

But now.. If I was given the choice.. I wouldn't take back anything that has happened. All of us have to learn sometime that people aren't always who you hoped they'd be.. We have to learn that sometimes you don't get what you want.. Sometimes the world hurts us, harshly. I've learnt that.. So when it comes down to it all, I don't do things without thinking it through.. I won't do something without serious thought. Although it has all hurt bad.. I'm grateful. Because I know what it feels like to lose faith in the world, in its people.. And have that faith restored. I've been to hell and back.

And now I feel okay.. Because, I realise.. I realise that no matter what happens.. I am going to be okay.
In the long run, I will be okay.