Yesterday I quit work. Maybe not completely, but for now my last day at Burwog is the 12th of October. Quite honestly, it felt like a major weight had been lifted, that now I know there is an end, and I wont have to be around after it. My manager picked up quickly that I run from my problems, which is completely true. I mean after the whole Adam fiasco, what did I do in my attempt to fix the problem? I left. Didn't have to see him, so, eventually, time healed that wound. With Nathan? Well after our friendship ended I didn't see him at all. I didn't go to his school, he didn't go to mine, and that was that.
But this time? It hurt so much more. And I think that was because I never once told a lie. I told next to everything, and I couldn't so much run away when the first sign of trouble hit. So I attempted the whole 'brave face' phase. I tried to be strong. But I soon, rather harshly, learned that that wasn't, and never will be, me. I've never coped too well in times like this, and I don't think I ever will. So I tried my best, I tried not to think of it, but it was the damn constant lonliness that wouldn't, and still will not leave.
The way I see it is this - Since June of 2006, everything plainly sucked. I left my first high school, because I did what I always do - I ran. It took two years for me to able to smile, because I felt that all the waiting, and all the lonliness, would be coming to an end. I thought that, because you made me believe it. Whatever morals, and whatever words of disbelief I told myself, didn't matter, because I finally had something to fight for. I had you. And I would've done anything to keep that. I can't wait another two years, and I definately can't wait while you're around. I can't look at you without feeling alone, because all I want to do is not feel alone. I feel just like I do before I met you - I feel helpless, and tired. I'm tired again. Tired of what? Trying to come up with reasons to fight. I will not make it again, not if I have to wait two years for two stupid months of false hope and happiness. So you want to know the reason I want to leave? Because people always do. That's what people do. When it gets too tough, when it gets unbearable, we leave. I will not be there for any longer than I need to, not now. I will leave, and I won't be coming back.
Thank you so much for showing me what I should have already known. Don't trust anyone, whoever reads this, just don't. I guess then when those we wish we could trust show us who they really are, we will suffer a far lesser disappointment. I tried, with all my heart, to be enough for that so called 'trust'. This is the last time I'm going to write of the pain you inflicted, of the disappointment you are. I'm done. And in three weeks, I'll be out of hell.
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1 comment:
From an anonymous person:
Thanks a lot for sharing your feelings, it takes a lot of courage to be open, honest and vulnerable about personal things like this but it's worth it because you never know who you could help in the process.
I can relate, I ran from my problems too but it was a rash decision I made under stress, and although I don't regret that year because it enabled me to strengthen a really important friendship (unfortunately at the expense of another one) I still wonder about what things would have been like if I stayed and I still believe things could've been better. I wouldn't feel like as much of an outcast like I do now because groups have gotten tighter when I was gone.
I think a lot about how close to never coming back I was, how easy we can throw what we had away, and reading your blog just really helped me realise how lucky I am because I don't know how I would've coped if I didn't have that second chance. But even when you get what you want, time has already passed, what do you do with that now? I couldn't just resume from where I left off, things are different now. It can still be difficult to move on, especially when you know that one decision if taken back could've altered your entire life. I've been angry with fate, God, whatever because the choice was so irrational and seemingly out of my control at the time... Why couldn't I have just waited a bit until things cooled down? Why couldn't I have one of my best friends back? I've been doubting if everything happens for a reason, which I used to believe. But it really is up to us to give life meaning. Realistically, I learnt that lesson not at a convenient time for my personal comfort but as it simply followed the course of nature, and it taught me to think through EVERY decision I've made thereafter really carefully. Things were tough at the beginning of the year and I considered leaving again but now I can truly say that experience taught me something. I stuck around and fought, and some days I sense that people are starting to believe in me again. It's not always perfect, I really wish there was that solid sense of friendship security and I fear that time is running out in high school, but I'm beginning to think all the people we encounter especially by chance/synchroncity have a special message for us and I really aspire to be alert and perceptive of that for the duration of my remaining years.
It's just frustrating when you have an idea about exactly where you want to be and you're left of centre of belonging there, but I guess *everyone* is thrown off course at times and it's our choice to anchor ourselves again with being the best we can be, given our situations and hurt self-concepts. It can seem hopeless to envision ourselves realistically regaining control over our lives again after totally losing it started all this, but somewhere in here I believe we have a right to be in a primary position of influence over a fulfilling future. I feel nowhere near that now, but actually closer than I was before I left. The only change I can make is now and if I put in the effort, if I can somehow show I care, manifested dreams might just meet me somewhere in the middle. Not because of luck, but because we have the capacity to impact our own reality to far greater extents than we may have thought was previously possible.
This place is so small and seedy most of the time but wow it's given me so much to think about and y'know holistically, it's become a fucking huge part of who I am. Someday I hope you can feel the same again about your place in the world.
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