This is where I always was.

On my wonderful myspace page the first blog I ever posted was titled "where am i now?". Why did I decide to title it that? The only reason I can think of was I wanted to try and say in those four words 'yay4sarah - she's moving forward'. But, honestly, I am hardly moving anywhere.. I feel like I'm trapped again.. in my own self. I feel numb, to be honest.. I haven't felt emotionally numb for about a year and a half, but now it's back - and it's not a great feeling.

I remember the first time I got my heart broken - how I just wished for something to come and fix the pain, how I just waited, thinking that in another month the pain would subside.. The pain would eventually disappear. I used to feel so useless, so helpless, and I never knew what to do. I'm going back to that now. I feel like I put myself on the line, and I just got crushed. I'm sick of feeling alone, you know. I hate having to wake up in the morning, and feeling nothing. I just don't feel anything. The whole world's moving forward, like it always will be, but I can't seem to move.. I can't seem to find a reason for fighting again.

I have figured out what I want to do when I leave school, which is the only positive thing that has come out of anything in the last two years. Art is something I can escape into, it gives me the ability to draw what I'm feeling.. It's the only thing I can share with myself and be happy about. It's the only thing I think I'm remotely good at.

I'm so sick of feeling alone. I'm so sick of being alone. I don't want to have to fight with myself again to keep going, I just don't.. I don't know what to do. I don't.. Not anymore. For a moment in time things started to become clear, I started to have belief in the world again. I started to believe in people again, and I didn't blame myself as much. I'm trying hard not to think about it, but this constant sense of lonliness will not leave. It will not go away.

I've been thinking a lot lately, about this 'being alone' situation.. And really, I'm done waiting around for something to find me. If I want to feel better, I need to take action, because I could be waiting forever again, and I don't think I'm going to make it if I have to wait again, I'm sick of trying to fight with myself, and continue to keep telling myself that someday I'll be happy, someday I'll be okay.. If I want my own happiness, I'll have to make it.