Far More.

I don't know what to do again.. I really want to cry, I just can't. I just wish none of this happened. I wish I could go back, and I wish I could then change it all, stop it from happening. Most of all, I wish I was more.. More as a person. I wish I didn't hate, and I wish you didn't give me a reason to hate. I'm not going to lie, I miss you. Of course I miss you. I miss being so happy, I just miss all of it. Oh well, I'm crying now. I just wish I had greater understanding, that I had a mind and a heart that could help myself overcome this. I wish people didn't always have to leave. I wish people stayed. I wish I could find someone who can be an exception to the rule. Someone that stopped me from believing it to be the case.. I wish that I never had to wish any of this stuff, I wish it never happened.

I just can't let this go, not yet. I can't help but feel angry. For the first time in a long time I was allowed to smile, I was allowed to be happy. I was allowed to go from suicidal girl to happy girl in a matter of weeks. My faith in the world was restored. And the only thing I was afraid of was losing you. I was always worried that I would, because I always lose. I just can't understand any of this. I can't, I can't feel anything again. I feel numb. I either feel numb, or angry. Whatever happiness I might show is a lie. I'm a lie. I'm not okay. It's hard to pretend that you don't exist, because I can't do anything else. I don't talk about how I feel anymore. You really have made me doubt the world, and you did that by saving me. I miss you so much. And I can't do anything to fix this pain. I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't. I wish none of this happened. I wish you didn't leave.

Where I Stood.

Yesterday I quit work. Maybe not completely, but for now my last day at Burwog is the 12th of October. Quite honestly, it felt like a major weight had been lifted, that now I know there is an end, and I wont have to be around after it. My manager picked up quickly that I run from my problems, which is completely true. I mean after the whole Adam fiasco, what did I do in my attempt to fix the problem? I left. Didn't have to see him, so, eventually, time healed that wound. With Nathan? Well after our friendship ended I didn't see him at all. I didn't go to his school, he didn't go to mine, and that was that.

But this time? It hurt so much more. And I think that was because I never once told a lie. I told next to everything, and I couldn't so much run away when the first sign of trouble hit. So I attempted the whole 'brave face' phase. I tried to be strong. But I soon, rather harshly, learned that that wasn't, and never will be, me. I've never coped too well in times like this, and I don't think I ever will. So I tried my best, I tried not to think of it, but it was the damn constant lonliness that wouldn't, and still will not leave.

The way I see it is this - Since June of 2006, everything plainly sucked. I left my first high school, because I did what I always do - I ran. It took two years for me to able to smile, because I felt that all the waiting, and all the lonliness, would be coming to an end. I thought that, because you made me believe it. Whatever morals, and whatever words of disbelief I told myself, didn't matter, because I finally had something to fight for. I had you. And I would've done anything to keep that. I can't wait another two years, and I definately can't wait while you're around. I can't look at you without feeling alone, because all I want to do is not feel alone. I feel just like I do before I met you - I feel helpless, and tired. I'm tired again. Tired of what? Trying to come up with reasons to fight. I will not make it again, not if I have to wait two years for two stupid months of false hope and happiness. So you want to know the reason I want to leave? Because people always do. That's what people do. When it gets too tough, when it gets unbearable, we leave. I will not be there for any longer than I need to, not now. I will leave, and I won't be coming back.

Thank you so much for showing me what I should have already known. Don't trust anyone, whoever reads this, just don't. I guess then when those we wish we could trust show us who they really are, we will suffer a far lesser disappointment. I tried, with all my heart, to be enough for that so called 'trust'. This is the last time I'm going to write of the pain you inflicted, of the disappointment you are. I'm done. And in three weeks, I'll be out of hell.

Apologies.

Sometimes it can be very hard to form words.. To explain what is unseen to others.. To just tell others what we're feeling.. What we ourselves don't understand..

People have always seen me as a very happy character, I know that. People think it's all happiness, and laughter. Somedays I am happy. Somedays I can actually be happy, without having to fake it. Somedays, not so.

What I'm having a hard time with is being alone again. It's not that I miss you, it's more I miss the sense of security, and understanding, that you showed me. I just miss being able to smile, I miss not having to miss anything. You let me let go. You made me not carry the burden for once.. You just gave me a reason to want to fight. My cause finally had a reason. I just miss that feeling I used to have, the one that made me want to be me for once. Now I just feel numb, I just don't feel all too happy. I have to come home again, and I have to deal with it again. I don't know what I'm going to do.. I just hate this.. I hate it all.. And now I hate you.. Because that's all I can do..

This is where I always was.

On my wonderful myspace page the first blog I ever posted was titled "where am i now?". Why did I decide to title it that? The only reason I can think of was I wanted to try and say in those four words 'yay4sarah - she's moving forward'. But, honestly, I am hardly moving anywhere.. I feel like I'm trapped again.. in my own self. I feel numb, to be honest.. I haven't felt emotionally numb for about a year and a half, but now it's back - and it's not a great feeling.

I remember the first time I got my heart broken - how I just wished for something to come and fix the pain, how I just waited, thinking that in another month the pain would subside.. The pain would eventually disappear. I used to feel so useless, so helpless, and I never knew what to do. I'm going back to that now. I feel like I put myself on the line, and I just got crushed. I'm sick of feeling alone, you know. I hate having to wake up in the morning, and feeling nothing. I just don't feel anything. The whole world's moving forward, like it always will be, but I can't seem to move.. I can't seem to find a reason for fighting again.

I have figured out what I want to do when I leave school, which is the only positive thing that has come out of anything in the last two years. Art is something I can escape into, it gives me the ability to draw what I'm feeling.. It's the only thing I can share with myself and be happy about. It's the only thing I think I'm remotely good at.

I'm so sick of feeling alone. I'm so sick of being alone. I don't want to have to fight with myself again to keep going, I just don't.. I don't know what to do. I don't.. Not anymore. For a moment in time things started to become clear, I started to have belief in the world again. I started to believe in people again, and I didn't blame myself as much. I'm trying hard not to think about it, but this constant sense of lonliness will not leave. It will not go away.

I've been thinking a lot lately, about this 'being alone' situation.. And really, I'm done waiting around for something to find me. If I want to feel better, I need to take action, because I could be waiting forever again, and I don't think I'm going to make it if I have to wait again, I'm sick of trying to fight with myself, and continue to keep telling myself that someday I'll be happy, someday I'll be okay.. If I want my own happiness, I'll have to make it.