321.

So my mum's pretty sick, and my dad's pretty much a bitch. Threatened to kick me out and called me a liar, woo, loving life~

Couldn't even go to school today, had to take care of my mother. Eric had to walk to school and got hit by a car, double woo~

In all honesty I can't wait for the weekend, and then the holidays. Friggen going to be sleeping in past seven! YAY LIFE.

Argh, so annoyed at life ><

It's the 31st today, so four days ago it was the 27th. I was writing, somewhere, about the past years. And I can't believe it's been nearly two years already. It's like between the shit at Grammar and when she died, that was only a year, but it felt like two different worlds. And it's nearly been two years.

Everyday, when I come home from school, I catch a train. And I look out, when we get to Lidcombe, at the cemetary. I miss my Nonna everyday, I still miss her. When I think about how much has changed since she passed, she has missed out on so much. She didn't get to meet her newest grandson, and I feel sorry for him, because he's never going to meet her. He's never going to understand, I guess, what he's missing out on because he's never going to know her. My oldest cousin had a baby girl, and I remember when Nonna died, and how much it affected her. And now my cousin's child won't know her either. My Nonna's a great-grandmother, and I know she would've loved that child more than any of us probably could.
It makes me sad in all honesty. The life and death cycle, it just makes me sad.
Someone can have such an impact on your life, and be gone the next second.
They're just gone.
There's nothing beautiful about death, it's a cold, watery chaos that seeps into our lives. And that chaos can leave, or stay and turn into an ocean.

I miss you Nonna,
everyday.
27/04/07 (L)

Squalor Victoria.

I think I've accepted that I need certain people, but I don't want them to know how much. And I can be a bitch about it, but I'm seriously trying my hardest. I'm trying to be better than what I know I've been, I'm trying. It's kind of always been me against everything, and I'm not used to having people on my side. If I tear myself down, I have to tear them down also.

And because I don't want them to know how much I need them, they don't know when they upset me, and I can't explain it. And it's all stupid. In my head it's not, but in reality, it's just completely stupid. I'm a really jealous and insecure person, and I practically have no self esteem. To me, everyone else in the world is better than me, so why should I have these good things when they don't?

Being sick doesn't help the situation either.

What Sarah Said.

So I had a sudden urge to clean my room, partially. And I did so.. Partially. I think I came across one thousand bits of paper. I am not joking either. And on six of these bits of paper is a poem I wrote, just around the time my grandmother passed away. Pretty much is a summary of the things that happened, leading up to when she died. And I don't know, but reading it.. It feels like it was a long time ago, and it feels like it was yesterday - at the same time.

"I don't know when we'll see each other again or what the world will be like when we do. We may both have seen many horrible things. But I will think of you every time I need to be reminded that there is beauty and goodness in the world. "

That is all, and goodnight.