A Short Story Of Nearly Nothing.

S0 last night = Amanda Palmer.
Fucking awesome. I swear.

She sang a song, I've been trying to find it's original artist but I've failed to do so. And in the song, it said "I don't need you to need me to need you". It said 'want' was fine, but needing was bad. Because, and she sang this, one day you die. Now in some context maybe dying isn't physical. Maybe it could be the dying of a relationship. So if you need someone to live, and it doesn't work out, you'll be fucked. But if you can learn to not need them, and just want them, if things don't work out, you didn't need them to live, so living would be in reach. Pretty much, it all made sense. You know, for the past few days I've been feeling really shitty. And I know there's some sort of reason behind it, but this song spoke to me. Back when Tom and I weren't talking, I found it very hard at first to cope because I felt like I needed what he gave me. Turns out I was stronger than I thought. And gradually, you know, slowly, I started to be okay. I started to realise I didn't need him. I only wanted what he gave me because it made me feel better than whatever I used to feel.

I'm just not a really strong person.. And I think I needed to hear a song like that. Kudos Amanda.

For An Optimist, I'm Pretty Pessimistic (See what I did there?)

I am short on words..

I don't know. I guess to start off with.. happy three years. I was dreading today, since the other day when someone said it was the 24th, and it wasn't. But it's here. I woke up, and I didn't remember. I was doing homework, then I remembered.. I don't know what to do now. I don't know.. What's the point of this? What's the point of it all? I don't understand it now.. I don't understand life.. I don't know why we have to fight, why should we fight? I don't want to fight right now.. I'm not strong enough.. But I just can't bring myself to suicide.. I don't want to end, but I don't want to fight. I just want to be at a place where I'm at peace. Where I don't feel what I'm feeling inside.. But I know that from here on out there's just going to be more hard days. More hard times. Nothing's going to get easier, only harder.

Why would I want to live in a world like that?

It Hurts

So somedays, today being one of them.. I just get upset. There's nothing really wrong, but it's one of the depressing days I go through every few weeks.

It's the day where I tell people I don't mind being alone, but I want, more than anything, someone to tell me I'm not alone. Most of the time these days I've got a smile on my face. But I'm not naive to think everything's going to stay this happy, blissed-out way. I know, sooner or later, I won't be as happy as I have been the past few months. I'm not being negative, I'm just being realistic.

It's the days like this I have to remember why I get this way. I don't know.. I just don't like thinking about the past anymore. I'm sick of revisiting times, and thoughts, and memories of people that made my life unbearably hard. I don't advertise my blog link anymore. People get critical of what I write in here, and all I want is to be able to find a place, online, on paper, whatever, where I can express my thoughts..

That's all for now..
Ciao.

Hello/Goodbye.

I've been able to keep things from affecting me the past two months because simply I've been oblivious all along. I've been telling myself everything's okay, and I've been believing it. I've been able to live without regret for a while now. I don't regret the things I did last month, last year. But I did regret last night..

If you want something in this world, then you fight like hell for that something. If you want it bad enough, you keep fighting. If you don't get what you want, you either didn't want it bad enough, or gave up. Don't ever blame your circumstances on someone else. At the end of the day, you've been dealt some sort of card, and how you react determines everything. If you've had a bad year, then you fight back until you're satisfied again. If you've gone through a bad time, a bad break up, a bad friendship, then you still fight back. If there's anything in this world that can destroy you, you fight against it. Fear leads to regret. Fear holds you back. But if you're at a point right now where you want something, and you know you want that something, then you need to fight like hell for it. Not fighting is stupidity, because if you look back on this day next month, next year, and didn't fight for what you wanted, and some how lost, you'll regret it.

There's always a winner, and always a loser. Someone who gets what they want, someone who doesn't. There's a poor winner, and a poor loser. The winner who rubs it in, and the loser who can't accept. This world isn't the best to live in. It's hard some days. I'm not saying it's not hard, I've had numerous hard days.

Last night I wished I hadn't left my first high school. Because if I hadn't, maybe someone could've gotten what they wanted. I had some stupid regret for some obviously stupid reason. I shouldn't, and I won't, apologise for my happiness. If that's what you want from me, then you'll never get it. Because I am not sorry about any of this. You say you've learnt from last year, and you haven't. Because if you've learnt anything, you wouldn't be so oblivious to the facts now.

You can't lose something if it was never yours.
If you wanted whatever, then you should've fought for it.
You say you did it to spare my feelings..
That's a load of shit.
Who am I to you?
Who are you to me?

Last year sucked, fine.
I know it sucked.
I lived through the sucky days.
I'm not excluding that.
And I still wish I could do something about it, because you used to be a really sweet girl that didn't deserve any shit, and all I ever wanted to do was help you when you did have un-needed shit.

But I can't do anything anymore.
I realised that last night.

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together "

You showed me that quote.
And sadly, you were right.
There's nothing else to say.
All I can really say is I'm sorry you fell for someone that didn't love you back.
I can say sorry for that.
Because that's the real worst kind of pain..
The pain locked inside your heart.
I wish you happiness, but that's all now.