.

I never really got into the whole Michael Jackson scene, but every song I've heard in the past two days I know. And I thank my father for that. My dad seriously has all this musical knowledge jam-packed into his head, it's amazing. Like today, he was telling me all this stuff about Michael Jackson. Did you know (atleast in England) the Thriller video premiered at 12 o'clock on MTV? Well I didn't either. Or that he sang a song about his pet rat? Like seriously. I've been hearing all this stuff, like he was depressed and only happy when he was singing, and it makes me sad in all honesty. Lisa Marie Presley wrote in her blog that he said he was going to die like Elvis Presley, and now I can only imagine what his death was like. Hmm, I don't know, but now I'm thinking Michael Jackson was a really amazing person.

On a lighter note, I love Kelly Clarkson. For evsssssssss.

Anywhere.

All of these moments are lost in time
But you're caught in my head like a thorn on a vine
To forever torment me and I wonder why,
Do I wish I'd never known you at all?

I was reading something, and I know it's cliche, but it was true. To some extent, I don't think we can fully erase pain. When you cut open your skin, it might heal, but there is still evidence that there used to be something there.

So, I'm sick. I've been taking numerous days off school for the last few weeks, pretty much because I've been feeling depressed. It's being sick, but a different kind. So now I have the flu, and I want to go to school, but I can't. I recently re-discovered my love for The National. Seriously, if anyone knows a site that doesn't fuck up the mp3 downloads from a Youtube video, let me know. I will worship the ground you walk upon. I willllll~

Okay, short blog. I should be reading Strange Objects. Hello English..

The sun and the moon, an ocean of air. So many voices and nothing is there, but the ghost of you asking me why..
Why did I leave?

Lost and Found and Lost.

Hello old friend. Well, you were created for a reason, and who have I been kidding! I'm nothing at the moment without my medication. I've been off it for a bit, but today, I took it because I needed to feel a little bit happy. I had a fight with Tom last night, and he treated me like I was this evil accusing bitch who didn't trust him. I was right, and we had a fight, only for him to do what he said he wasn't going to do. And guess what! He didn't even tell me. The joy of Facebook, right?

You know what, I don't understand people full stop. I'm just so angry right now. All I wanna do is crawl up and die. My life, without this relationship, sucked. But it sucks right now because I'm feeling a lot of shit inside. I've felt depressed all friggen week. I don't know anymore. I just give up.

Intro.

Well, a little update is needed I assume. Got my L's today, about time, I know~ I had my first driving lesson also. Holy fuck, I swear. Went out with Jazz last night, had a good night. I have so much love for that girl~* Haha (: But srsly, I love Friendship Fridays~~*

Tom's still in America. I'm seeing him in one week! Woo life (: I also need to start organising what we're doing Saturday. I know where we're going, but I need to organise it.

I'm finally getting my government money. $900, here I come. I'm looking at SLR cameras, and the one I was looking at was $887. I told my Dad about it and we went to have a look at them. He saw a model he liked, and then he bought a magazine on reviews and thinks that ones the best to start off with. It's $1400, haha, but he's pretty keen on getting that one for me.

Here's a photo of my future baby:


Isn't it just beautiful! Haha. I also had my first driving lesson in a Daimler, feeling pretty awesome about that~

I'm having a love affair with Vanilla Tea. The best shit I've ever tried in my life, I swear. Oh, and Grape Fanta~ Dear Lord, where hath thou been all my life?

Oh well, dinner is ready. I shall blog sooner or later~

If I Can't.

For all the hours here that move to slow,
There's all this letting go that won't pass.
If all this love is real how will we know?
And if we're only scared of losing it how will it last?

Don't Let Go.

So.. I have an aunty with skitzophrenia, and my mother actually told me how it all happened, how she became sick in the first place..
All over some boy.

And then I was thinking.. Wait.. Why am I on medication again? Initially, it was over some boy. Maybe there are some genetics involved, you'd have to check my family's history. But realistically, I got put on the medication because I couldn't handle where I was going, all because of some boy. Now I'm not blaming the circumstances on someone else, I know in my heart what I did was wrong.. The person I used to be was just wrong.. Everything that happened after that day was just.. Not how it was meant to be. And I couldn't get back to what I wanted.. And that pain took a toll on my body. It's been over three years, but I know it's still there somewhere. And since that day I had believed that if I found something that was worth fighting for everything would be okay, I would be okay.. If I could fill the void in my heart then everything would be okay. I'd be home again, I'd be safe.

It's kind of hard believing I can be safe again when I'm so vulnerable. I lost a lot of friends the past years, but I've managed to keep the most important one, the greatest one. But I lost a friend, a few months ago.. And I miss her. And I guess sacrifice is a big part of our life, even if it isn't to the extremes some would imagine. And a part of me dislikes myself for the decision I made..

The thing I wish I could have, more than anything in this world, is faith. I want faith in God, I want faith in the people (most of them atleast) around me. I want to be able to believe in better and greater things, I want to find truth in the words people say. But the thing I need to do, before anything else, is protect myself. I need to take care of my heart, and to make sure that tomorrow I'm still breathing just as easily as I am now.

The pain's never left my side. It's something I carry with me everyday. It's there in the morning when I take my medication, when I'm going to a school thirty minutes away instead of ten. It's there when I look at the people I've known for two years, not five. When I come home and look at the cemetary, it's there. When I shower, there's marks over my body, where my self-inflicted pain is clearly present. There's pain in the people around me, especially my mother..

And now I'm questioning the world again.. I used to believe that someday all of this would get easier, would be better.. But now I don't believe that. I got what I thought would make me feel better, but overall the outside world seems to have nothing to do with it. It's in my mind. But if I'm sick, how will I feel better? It wont get easier, simply more manageable. This, however, seems to now be my life. And all I can do is accept.

Happy Saturday night.

We all begin with good intent, love was raw and young. We believed that we could change ourselves, that the past could be undone. But we carry on our back the burden, time always reveals - in the lonely light of morning, in the wound that would not heal.. It's the bitter taste of losing everything that I have held so dear.

Untitled.

I looked in the mirror today, and for the first time in a long time I felt like something was missing. What is hope exactly? It's an unseen thing, but a word spoken of. Is it a light at the end of the tunnel, is it a saviour? Is it someone that can pull you out of a hole, or offer you words of consolation? Hope.. to believe something desired may happen, to trust.
So this is the Age of Despair, right? What's the opposite of despair? What is despair? It's the opposite of hope. This is the Age of Despair.. so can hope really exist? If these years are the ones of despair.. There is hopelessness..
There is no hope.

I've never understood the purpose..
Never.