Don't Let Go.

So.. I have an aunty with skitzophrenia, and my mother actually told me how it all happened, how she became sick in the first place..
All over some boy.

And then I was thinking.. Wait.. Why am I on medication again? Initially, it was over some boy. Maybe there are some genetics involved, you'd have to check my family's history. But realistically, I got put on the medication because I couldn't handle where I was going, all because of some boy. Now I'm not blaming the circumstances on someone else, I know in my heart what I did was wrong.. The person I used to be was just wrong.. Everything that happened after that day was just.. Not how it was meant to be. And I couldn't get back to what I wanted.. And that pain took a toll on my body. It's been over three years, but I know it's still there somewhere. And since that day I had believed that if I found something that was worth fighting for everything would be okay, I would be okay.. If I could fill the void in my heart then everything would be okay. I'd be home again, I'd be safe.

It's kind of hard believing I can be safe again when I'm so vulnerable. I lost a lot of friends the past years, but I've managed to keep the most important one, the greatest one. But I lost a friend, a few months ago.. And I miss her. And I guess sacrifice is a big part of our life, even if it isn't to the extremes some would imagine. And a part of me dislikes myself for the decision I made..

The thing I wish I could have, more than anything in this world, is faith. I want faith in God, I want faith in the people (most of them atleast) around me. I want to be able to believe in better and greater things, I want to find truth in the words people say. But the thing I need to do, before anything else, is protect myself. I need to take care of my heart, and to make sure that tomorrow I'm still breathing just as easily as I am now.

The pain's never left my side. It's something I carry with me everyday. It's there in the morning when I take my medication, when I'm going to a school thirty minutes away instead of ten. It's there when I look at the people I've known for two years, not five. When I come home and look at the cemetary, it's there. When I shower, there's marks over my body, where my self-inflicted pain is clearly present. There's pain in the people around me, especially my mother..

And now I'm questioning the world again.. I used to believe that someday all of this would get easier, would be better.. But now I don't believe that. I got what I thought would make me feel better, but overall the outside world seems to have nothing to do with it. It's in my mind. But if I'm sick, how will I feel better? It wont get easier, simply more manageable. This, however, seems to now be my life. And all I can do is accept.

Happy Saturday night.

We all begin with good intent, love was raw and young. We believed that we could change ourselves, that the past could be undone. But we carry on our back the burden, time always reveals - in the lonely light of morning, in the wound that would not heal.. It's the bitter taste of losing everything that I have held so dear.

Untitled.

I looked in the mirror today, and for the first time in a long time I felt like something was missing. What is hope exactly? It's an unseen thing, but a word spoken of. Is it a light at the end of the tunnel, is it a saviour? Is it someone that can pull you out of a hole, or offer you words of consolation? Hope.. to believe something desired may happen, to trust.
So this is the Age of Despair, right? What's the opposite of despair? What is despair? It's the opposite of hope. This is the Age of Despair.. so can hope really exist? If these years are the ones of despair.. There is hopelessness..
There is no hope.

I've never understood the purpose..
Never.

Shadows and Regrets.

All I want is to be home.

321.

So my mum's pretty sick, and my dad's pretty much a bitch. Threatened to kick me out and called me a liar, woo, loving life~

Couldn't even go to school today, had to take care of my mother. Eric had to walk to school and got hit by a car, double woo~

In all honesty I can't wait for the weekend, and then the holidays. Friggen going to be sleeping in past seven! YAY LIFE.

Argh, so annoyed at life ><

It's the 31st today, so four days ago it was the 27th. I was writing, somewhere, about the past years. And I can't believe it's been nearly two years already. It's like between the shit at Grammar and when she died, that was only a year, but it felt like two different worlds. And it's nearly been two years.

Everyday, when I come home from school, I catch a train. And I look out, when we get to Lidcombe, at the cemetary. I miss my Nonna everyday, I still miss her. When I think about how much has changed since she passed, she has missed out on so much. She didn't get to meet her newest grandson, and I feel sorry for him, because he's never going to meet her. He's never going to understand, I guess, what he's missing out on because he's never going to know her. My oldest cousin had a baby girl, and I remember when Nonna died, and how much it affected her. And now my cousin's child won't know her either. My Nonna's a great-grandmother, and I know she would've loved that child more than any of us probably could.
It makes me sad in all honesty. The life and death cycle, it just makes me sad.
Someone can have such an impact on your life, and be gone the next second.
They're just gone.
There's nothing beautiful about death, it's a cold, watery chaos that seeps into our lives. And that chaos can leave, or stay and turn into an ocean.

I miss you Nonna,
everyday.
27/04/07 (L)

Squalor Victoria.

I think I've accepted that I need certain people, but I don't want them to know how much. And I can be a bitch about it, but I'm seriously trying my hardest. I'm trying to be better than what I know I've been, I'm trying. It's kind of always been me against everything, and I'm not used to having people on my side. If I tear myself down, I have to tear them down also.

And because I don't want them to know how much I need them, they don't know when they upset me, and I can't explain it. And it's all stupid. In my head it's not, but in reality, it's just completely stupid. I'm a really jealous and insecure person, and I practically have no self esteem. To me, everyone else in the world is better than me, so why should I have these good things when they don't?

Being sick doesn't help the situation either.

What Sarah Said.

So I had a sudden urge to clean my room, partially. And I did so.. Partially. I think I came across one thousand bits of paper. I am not joking either. And on six of these bits of paper is a poem I wrote, just around the time my grandmother passed away. Pretty much is a summary of the things that happened, leading up to when she died. And I don't know, but reading it.. It feels like it was a long time ago, and it feels like it was yesterday - at the same time.

"I don't know when we'll see each other again or what the world will be like when we do. We may both have seen many horrible things. But I will think of you every time I need to be reminded that there is beauty and goodness in the world. "

That is all, and goodnight.

A Short Story Of Nearly Nothing.

S0 last night = Amanda Palmer.
Fucking awesome. I swear.

She sang a song, I've been trying to find it's original artist but I've failed to do so. And in the song, it said "I don't need you to need me to need you". It said 'want' was fine, but needing was bad. Because, and she sang this, one day you die. Now in some context maybe dying isn't physical. Maybe it could be the dying of a relationship. So if you need someone to live, and it doesn't work out, you'll be fucked. But if you can learn to not need them, and just want them, if things don't work out, you didn't need them to live, so living would be in reach. Pretty much, it all made sense. You know, for the past few days I've been feeling really shitty. And I know there's some sort of reason behind it, but this song spoke to me. Back when Tom and I weren't talking, I found it very hard at first to cope because I felt like I needed what he gave me. Turns out I was stronger than I thought. And gradually, you know, slowly, I started to be okay. I started to realise I didn't need him. I only wanted what he gave me because it made me feel better than whatever I used to feel.

I'm just not a really strong person.. And I think I needed to hear a song like that. Kudos Amanda.