Made Of Scars.

Today it struck me. I feel like in a certain relationship with a certain person I've tried to do all I can to accomodate them; I've tried to do all I can in my power to let them know that no matter what has happened, it hasn't changed anything.
How wrong I am.

I guess now that I know, she might feel a bit intimidated because I'm the one who 'got' what she wanted. I really cannot do anything more; I've tried to talk to her, I tried seeing her today, but it all has changed. I guess I'll just welcome the change and see how the world is. So, sometimes we lose. In this case, I know I haven't intentionally done anything wrong. I don't think I even have done anything wrong, but she might think I have. However, I'm not going to do anything to try and fix it. I forgave her, and I tried to be her friend. In the end, I guess this is where we were meant to be. I know she's heartbroken, or hurting, or whatever, but I never actually did do anything wrong. And if she chooses to act this way, I too will act this way.

You had me crying for you honey and it never would've gone away;

You used to shine so bright but I watched all of it fade.

Moreee laterrrr;

Two Years, Nine Months.

Today I looked at the date.. 24th of November.. The number 24 triggered something, and I got back to thinking of the 24th of February, 2006.. Two years, nine months ago.. Today. I worked it out, and that is one thousand and four days ago. The number one thousand just screams forever ago.. It really was forever ago.. It feels like another lifetime..

So now I'm thinking about everything that's happened since the 24th of February, 2006. I remember that day so clearly. That day was a good day.. I've had numerous good days, but that one stood out. The only date that I can think that beats that is the 14th of this month, early in the morning.

So lately everything's been a bit.. Out of it? I don't know, I'm starting to look around and see people differently. The world seems so bright, but has so much darkness within. I'm starting to accept that people aren't always who we've expected them to be.. Maybe the people we thought we knew only exist in our minds.. Maybe they weren't ever them.. Maybe they never will be..

I'm really still shocked about how many days have passed.. In practice it feels like yesterday sometimes, but in theory it happened one thousand days ago.. That's over twenty four thousand hours.. Thats over one million, four hundred and forty thousand minutes ago..

More later.

I Need You.

It doesn't change the way I feel about you at the end of the day..

If I could change anything, it would be the lack of honesty I seem to show.. I would change how un-honest I've been this week.. I've been lying to everyone I guess.. Even myself in a few ways. How I wish with all my heart I felt more than this stupid feeling.

I've started to break out in pimples and have lost 3 kilos over the last seven days.
I think I need to start taking more happy pills, one a day doesn't work wonders.. Maybe two a day will.

The whole world feels like a million miles away.
And I can't stop it.

I guess whatever I said last night has no truth to it tonight.
More later.

___

Hello, later here.
All I wanted to do was talk to Tom, and I have.. And everything feels good again.

I'm not going to say who, but someone asked me what it felt like to be with him.. And then they told me that that feeling was reason enough to fight for it.. And they were right.

I'm very tired atm >< I think I shall sleep now.
Type more tomorrow (Y)

Empty Space.

I wish I could go back to the way I felt in October, because despite all, I was able to not hurt over this situation. I had begun to accept and let go, and it felt good to do that. Now, I'm not so sure if I can make myself happy like I used to. I feel confused, and tired, and angry, and I don't know what to do about this. I just want to talk to him.. But I feel like I bug him.

I can't explain this any simpler. I'm worried as hell.. And I think I'm worried as hell because I don't know what's going on in his head. I don't care what it is, I still would like to know.

More later, have to go to work.
___

I don't think today was a good day for a lot of people..
Argh, I've got nothing more to say, other than today sucked.

Slow Down.

This week has just reminded me of things I've already known, for a long time..

I look back on the past years, and I think all I'm trying to do right now is understand. I'm trying to understand myself, I'm trying to gain greater knowledge. I look around my room and there's places that just trigger memories. I look at my bed now, and I was sitting on the right side on a Monday, around 9:00 p.m. in 2006.. and it was in that spot that I told myself that I was going to suicide.. And I think that was the first time I ever intended to honestly carry it out. Then, if I walk into the bathroom and look in the shower, I was there the same night trying to drown myself.

So what's the point of reminiscing? Quite truthfully, it never leaves me. I've let go, but I still carry it around with me. I'm reminded every day that I'm not with the people I love the most because of me.. And sometimes I hate it, and sometimes I regret it.

I guess this week has just re-opened my eyes to what I've always, or should have always, known. Life can still shock us, life can still surprise us.. Life can fuck us around till there's no point.

Life has done all three to me.
1. Life can still shock us:
I say Sunday night was a pretty big shock. Mainly because I had remained oblivious, and maybe because I expected more. But I was a factor in the shock metre, and I can't do much about it. It hurt to have to figure it out.. But hey, life does that.

2. Life can still surprise us:
I've kind of had a rough time since August this year, and it's only started to get better recently. Read previous posts if you must, they'll probably give a better outline. I don't think I was as happy as I was on Thursday night/Friday morning ever, because it was then that Tom told me he loved me. And I think I could've started crying. I could type for a very very very long time about this, I could.. But basically I gave up hope in August, and him telling me he loved me.. Just was the best thing that could've happened.. I just can't explain that. I guess the surprise was knowing that there was always hope. The surprise was overall knowing that he cared still.

3. Life can fuck us around till there's no point:
Just because I say it was the best thing, doesn't mean I haven't been fucked around this year. Seriously, this year hurt more to be honest. And I think that was because I convinced myself my fighting days were over, when they clearly were just starting up again. I kind of let my guard down to be honest.. I thought everything would've been okay. And it wasn't okay, and I didn't know what to do. There were times when I tried suicide, there were moments when I contemplated the end. And it still hurts.

I don't try to be negative. I honestly have tried my hardest this year to make it through. The week before trials I didn't want to wake up. It was the night of the Oporto meeting/dinner, and I got home, went to bed, and told myself I wouldn't be able to do the exams. Pretty much gave up that night I think.. And maybe I wouldn't have made it through, I don't know.. But I slowly did.. And I made it through the School Certificate aswell.. I'll make it, I guess. One day I'll be okay.. I just have to work for it.. Nothing in this world comes easy.

Sometimes I wish I could explain who I am better. Sometimes I wish I could talk about it.. But I guess if I choose to let someone in and know it all.. I won't have any place to hide, I'll be exposed.. I had someone like that a while ago now, and it hurt a lot to lose that. Because all of a sudden I was on my own. And it is hard to fight for yourself.. atleast it's hard for me..

I guess I've always expected people to turn out like the ones I've known before. Doesn't mean it makes it easier when I find out they are like them.. Possibly even worse then them.. It just means that I have expected it.

I sometimes feel like I've fallen short of the person I should've been. And sometimes I understand why people do the things they do to me.. I just wish this life was easier.. Sometimes I don't think I'm going to make it. And that's the hardest thing in the world for me to understand.. I'm not overly proud with who I am, nor with what I've done and become..

Sometimes I wish I could take it back.

Give Me Heart.

I woke up and for a second forgot while I felt so crappy. Then I remembered.

The joys of automatic save on my laptop~
How come I didn't notice everytime Tom was brought up her nickname changed to something depressing? Oh, she just said atleast you got the guy you want :/ Hmmm. Okay, I'm looking at the convo from yesterday.. What did I do to deserve to get "cut"? This is seriously fucked. Hey Sarah, you feel betrayed, and yesterday the person that has caused the feeling of betrayel said she wanted to cut you, but you didn't realise it was you.

Yeah, well I didn't go to school today. I couldn't even explain to mother why. All I said was "I don't feel well", and when she asked why I said that I had just found out some things, and she got all concerned, then I said "Isabelle" and she asked if Tom had anything to do with it and I said he just confirmed it..

I really don't think anything will go my way. You know, I got some form of happiness but I'm still getting screwed around. What the hell is wrong with this world? Okay, I get it. I get it.. I'm never going to stop hurting. Thanks world, really.

I feel like an idiot because last night I felt like I couldn't do anything to help her and the Ricardo situation. Who knew I caused the fucking situation? You know, I wrote her a blog and after that I felt so shit because I looked back on everything that has happened and I don't think I deserve to be happy.. You know, I went for a shower, and I could see cuts on my arms, on my legs, and I just thought that I would do anything in my power to make her situation better for her. I felt guilty because, despite the fact that I was crying then, I was happy. You know, I'm happy now, but I am not a good person, and I've done things a good person would never do, and in that respect I thought that I would've done anything to give her the happiness I had. I'd be okay with suffering, because I always had been.

I told her to tell him! What the fucking fuck. It's the fucking lying I don't understand. It's not that you have feelings towards him, it's that you lied about it. I feel so tired and sick of having to miss school because I'm this way. I am so sick of people disappointing me this past week.

I really wanna talk to Tom ): He makes me feel so much better. Argh, I'm gonna watch One Tree Hill ><

___

Okay, gave up on One Tree Hill. I'm feeling a bit better now.
Oh yay for life ~

The Only One.

I feel sad, because a friend of mine is going through some shit and it reminds me of how I used to be. I guess with this whole Tom situation, it really has opened my eyes. I've been through a lot of pain these past years, but I guess it was all worth it to have Tom tell me he loves me again. You know, even typing that and my eyes are watery. But it's true. I think back on the past years, and even though I have wished a thousand times to change all the events, I wouldn't if I was given the chance.. Because everything I've done has led me to Tom. And I don't remember ever feeling as happy as I do when I'm with him, when I'm talking to him.. Even when I'm thinking about him..

And it makes me feel useless in a sense because she's feeling as useless as I used to. She reminds me of Year 8 Sarah. Year 8 Sarah was the worst Sarah I remember. I used to try and escape into music, I used to draw my problems away, I used to sit in my bed, and cry, every night. I was suicidal most in Year 8. I used to take a million pills throughout the school day, and there was no effect on me. I used to cut, a lot. And I got that way because I lost.. I lost and it changed who I was. And she's the same way right now. She's lost, and she doesn't know how to explain what she's feeling. She's trying to escape into her music, and she told me.. She feels like there's a hole in her heart. I used to think I had no heart. I used to be so numb. I can't explain the numbness I feel. But when I feel happy, I can feel happy inside. When I felt numb, I felt nothing inside. I don't know if anyone reading this has felt no emotion like that, but it sucks. Seriously, it feels like something's missing.. So I understand the hole in the heart.

So now I'm listening to Evanescence. There's a song called Missing.. I think this song pretty much sumed up how I felt in Year 8. I used to think there was never going to be a way to get over what happened.. I used to expect that one day, I would succeed in my suicide.. Or, the person that broke me would come back. I never succeeded in the suicide, and that person never came back.. But I made it. I got over what happened. With a lot of counselling, a lot of medication, and someone else helping me get over it.

I was okay, until that person was gone. I had got over what had happened with the said person from before, but I hadn't let go. So I was doubly fucked because I missed them both. The situation with me and my friend is different in terms of what had happened.. But they still had the same outcome..

We both feel like we weren't enough. I felt like there was something greater out there that had prevented their return.. And sometimes it still hurts. But I think it hurts because it was the first time I had experienced pain. It hurts because I still look over my body and see cuts.. And I still, sometimes have dreams of a place where none of this had happened. I sometimes have dreams of them coming back.. And, up until now, I used to wake up in a far worse sort of pain.

Now I want to cry. Because I'm in pain. I feel sick, I feel hurt.. I would be lying if I said it ever stopped hurting. Because I will always carry the mark of what happened.. I have scars on my legs, on my arms, I haven't got the hair I used to have..

I guess I wish I had something to tell her that would let her know it's going to be okay. Because I guess right now she's feeling far from okay..

You know, and this isn't the only thing that's making me feel shaky at the moment. Who knew it was possible to lose so much respect for so many people in 24 hours? Sarah didn't, that's for sure.

I guess I won't ever fully accept that everything's going to be okay. But I accept that there's always going to be a tomorrow, and that day might make everything okay, even for a minute. I wish I had more advice to give, I wish I could say something that could fix the pain thats been inflicted.. But I can't. All I can do at the moment is keep reminding her to continue on fighting, because there will be a tomorrow, where it will be okay.