Meet You There.

So it's now the first of January, 2010. I really don't want to recap on the last year, because I never had that great an expectation for the year anyway. Any year after 2007 is just a little weird to me.
So instead I will focus on the little things that are inside my head, as I feel I need to get them out.
I don't want to go back to school. I find it a waste travelling two and a half hours daily to go to school. I'm considering going to TAFE/doing some courses through Distance Education. I can wave goodbye to Advanced English and do Standard, and I can do Visual Arts through Distance so that makes me happy.
I'm in the almost process of painting my room, so I'm very excited for that. Need a change in my living environment I think.
And lastly, the thing I don't want to address. If you can't give me a good reason then I'll make one for my own self and believe it. I just can't accept it at the moment.
And now I must attempt to fix my laptop and sleep.
Goodnight.

.

Waiting.
The worst thing in the whole world.
Time goes so slow.
So, so, so slow..
I don't know what to do to pass this time.
I just want to know either way..

Lavinia.

I want to cut my hair and dye it a dark purple. I wish I could run away, and sit on the beach, at 3 a.m., listening to the ripple of the water. I wish I could escape. Where would I go? I wanted to move to England a few months ago. I want to escape from everything now, and start over. Would it even matter if I were gone? Everything is so fragmented. What's the point? This is not an emo blog, this is life. My life, the way it's been for five years. I need the pills to make me smile, how sad is that? I need to escape from this all. I need a way out. Not from life, suicidal thoughts are long gone. I'm better in some respects. I just need out of this way of life. I work hard, but for what? What's the purpose?

the tide that left and never came back is on my mind tonight.

;

Years pass and people change. The bluest skies can turn to grey.

And though it's going to hurt for now,

every ship must sail away.

Untitled.

What if everything you wanted isn't enough anymore?

Tide.

All I ever really wanted was to dream.

You've been through worse than this, I know you have. I was there, every single moment. I want you to look at this whenever you need to, and know that you have never, not even in your darkest moment, been alone. You're strong, and you know it. Somewhere deep inside is a strength you hardly know you have. People hate for no reason, people exclude for no reason. People do the things they do for themselves solely, and more than anything you've seen this in the last year. You lost a friend because she lied to you, and all you tried to do was help her, because you knew the pain she was in. You tried to be a good person, you tried. You've been trying for four years. And if you fail, you can get back up. You're strong enough to do that, you've fallen time and time again and gotten back up time and time again. You never used to see a future for yourself, because you thought you wouldn't have made it this far. You were pretty sure by the time you were sixteen you would've succeeded in suicide; you wouldn't be here anymore. You'd be with your brother, and your grandmother. But you made it here, and I'm proud of you. Sometimes you want to cry, and that's okay. Sometimes you're sad, and that's okay. Sometimes you miss the past, and that's okay too. You can't let go sometimes, and that's okay. But you haven't given up yet, you've made it this far. You got through the pain, the depression, the dark. You can control yourself now, you don't hate yourself anymore. You got through the dark, the relapse. Your scars are healing, the twenty something you blogged about last year. You used to think you'd never get over it, over what you did, and would cry and worry because every day you thought of it, and the horrible person you had been. And now, you don't worry. You got over it in an almost complete sense. You don't accept what you were and what you did, but you don't hate yourself for it, and know it happened for a reason. Time eventually healed that wound, just like it has healed the wounds from last year, the year before that, and the year before that. You know he has a lot to do with your happiness, and you can't help but want to cry when you think about that. He has changed your life, fixed the brokeness of your life. Healed some of your wounds, and given reason. Sometimes you still wonder what the point of being here is, just like you've done for four years. And sometimes you don't know why. Sometimes you don't know who to turn to, because you yourself don't know why you are feeling the way you do. Sometimes you feel alone, but that doesn't mean you're alone. Sometimes you're feeling lost, but you're not completely lost, and you won't be, ever again. Whatever life gives you, you just have to fight back. Never forget to fight back.

I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul.

Soldier On.

Wow, it's been a while since I blogged. Well it's holidays, which is super, super exciting. I like waking up at 11 o'clock, and falling asleep in bed while reading or knitting. Only downside is I have to remember where I'm up to in the book. Currently reading Pride and Prejudice, and I'm actually liking it, my second attempt at reading it and all~~ Very excited because my Dad bought me 30 filters for my beautiful camera, and they're arriving today (:~ Oh, I love my camera so ~~

Been painting a bit too. Need to continue on with Tom's painting, his birthday next week and I'm knitting him a scarf (with my Mum's help ~~), painting him a beautiful (:/) picture, and I've got some ideas for actual presents. Have to go shopping.. Which I really want to do right now.

All in all, it's been a pretty awesome 4 days of holidays. I wish everyday was like this.