It Hurts

So somedays, today being one of them.. I just get upset. There's nothing really wrong, but it's one of the depressing days I go through every few weeks.

It's the day where I tell people I don't mind being alone, but I want, more than anything, someone to tell me I'm not alone. Most of the time these days I've got a smile on my face. But I'm not naive to think everything's going to stay this happy, blissed-out way. I know, sooner or later, I won't be as happy as I have been the past few months. I'm not being negative, I'm just being realistic.

It's the days like this I have to remember why I get this way. I don't know.. I just don't like thinking about the past anymore. I'm sick of revisiting times, and thoughts, and memories of people that made my life unbearably hard. I don't advertise my blog link anymore. People get critical of what I write in here, and all I want is to be able to find a place, online, on paper, whatever, where I can express my thoughts..

That's all for now..
Ciao.

Hello/Goodbye.

I've been able to keep things from affecting me the past two months because simply I've been oblivious all along. I've been telling myself everything's okay, and I've been believing it. I've been able to live without regret for a while now. I don't regret the things I did last month, last year. But I did regret last night..

If you want something in this world, then you fight like hell for that something. If you want it bad enough, you keep fighting. If you don't get what you want, you either didn't want it bad enough, or gave up. Don't ever blame your circumstances on someone else. At the end of the day, you've been dealt some sort of card, and how you react determines everything. If you've had a bad year, then you fight back until you're satisfied again. If you've gone through a bad time, a bad break up, a bad friendship, then you still fight back. If there's anything in this world that can destroy you, you fight against it. Fear leads to regret. Fear holds you back. But if you're at a point right now where you want something, and you know you want that something, then you need to fight like hell for it. Not fighting is stupidity, because if you look back on this day next month, next year, and didn't fight for what you wanted, and some how lost, you'll regret it.

There's always a winner, and always a loser. Someone who gets what they want, someone who doesn't. There's a poor winner, and a poor loser. The winner who rubs it in, and the loser who can't accept. This world isn't the best to live in. It's hard some days. I'm not saying it's not hard, I've had numerous hard days.

Last night I wished I hadn't left my first high school. Because if I hadn't, maybe someone could've gotten what they wanted. I had some stupid regret for some obviously stupid reason. I shouldn't, and I won't, apologise for my happiness. If that's what you want from me, then you'll never get it. Because I am not sorry about any of this. You say you've learnt from last year, and you haven't. Because if you've learnt anything, you wouldn't be so oblivious to the facts now.

You can't lose something if it was never yours.
If you wanted whatever, then you should've fought for it.
You say you did it to spare my feelings..
That's a load of shit.
Who am I to you?
Who are you to me?

Last year sucked, fine.
I know it sucked.
I lived through the sucky days.
I'm not excluding that.
And I still wish I could do something about it, because you used to be a really sweet girl that didn't deserve any shit, and all I ever wanted to do was help you when you did have un-needed shit.

But I can't do anything anymore.
I realised that last night.

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together "

You showed me that quote.
And sadly, you were right.
There's nothing else to say.
All I can really say is I'm sorry you fell for someone that didn't love you back.
I can say sorry for that.
Because that's the real worst kind of pain..
The pain locked inside your heart.
I wish you happiness, but that's all now.

Best Not To Think About It..

Where were you when everything was falling apart?

Wow, today sucked hard. Work is gay, so very gay. It's like the Italians verse the other ones, verse Iggy. All I wanted to do, all day, has been sleep. I woke up and wanted to sleep. I got in the car and wanted to sleep. I got to Burwood and wanted to sleep. Walked into work, wanted to sleep. Got to the chip station.. Wanted to sleep. I only waved at Hot Kebab Guy once all day, and that was after my shift. I don't understand why people would want to come to Burwood and eat HOT food on a fricken hot day.. I really don't..

So this is where you are.

And this is where I am.

Somewhere between unsure, and a hundred.

Ten minutes.

Twelve minutes.

Wow. Maybe I will clean.

Fuck this shit.

The last thing I need tonight is this.

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same..

Sixteen minutes.

Nineteen.

My family is totally awesome.
Everything is awesome.

So I was reading someone else's blog. Every second person I know now blogs, but, still, I read someone else's.

I don't like complaining about my situation in the world. I don't like writing "zomg, does my boyfriend really love me? I've got everything I want but still I'm suicidal.. Why am I depressed D:" in every single fricken blog. But this person did..

I'm sorry, but this week I've lost and gained respect for people. And after reading that.. I don't know.. But I don't understand people anymore.. If you've got what you wanted, why are you sad? Maybe it's not what you wanted! So don't sit there and complain about it, figure it the fuck out. My patience has really run out now..

Is it my lack of understanding, or is the human race really just becoming shallow pieces of dirt?

Hello, my name's Sarah.

I'm a deep girl in a shallow world.

.. A really shallow world.

I used to feel stronger than this.

I really did.

I went for a very long time, knowing I needed someone but not having them.

I used to be strong.. In the days I thought I was weak.. I was strong.

That was strength,

Who I was.. She had strength.

I went two years, hurting, but I made it out of it.

I'm not suicidal anymore.

I don't self harm, I'm trying to be better than that.

I'm trying.

But right now..

I don't know what to do.

I had a shit day.

A shit night.

And all I want is The Fray to sing me to sleep.

Hopes & Fears.

There's a few bands in the world that I know of that have something unique and powerful about their music. The vocalists have a way of sending a chill down my spine in a very much good way, and the lyrics leave me thinking and wondering hours after the song has finished. For maybe four or five minutes, the music I'm listening to gives me something to believe in. These artists may come from a place half way across the world, but for some minutes in time, are with me, telling me with the words they have, secretly.. Everything will be okay in the end. They might not say that, but there's something in their voice that is telling me, letting me know.. That the pain they are singing about, the lessons they have learnt, the music they are playing - in the end, everything is going to be okay. There is something truly powerful and wonderful about a band that can give hope and belief.

So this post is entitled "Hopes & Fears". I don't just randomly name these blogs, it's usually after a song. But this post is after an album. Probably one of the greatest albums I own. It is the title of an English rock bands' first album. This amazing band is Keane.

So this blog is dedicated to my hopes, and my fears. What I wish for, and what I dread.

Hopes:
- I'll do good enough to get into uni, and hopefully get to pursue something arty ~
- Everything I want right now is what I have tomorrow.
- One day have a great family. I really want a daughter. I'm thinking the name Alison something-or-other.
- Meet Hugh Laurie.
- One day somehow let Andrew McMahon know his bands song 'Hammers and Strings [A Lullaby]' made me have an undeniable and sadly sorrowful outlook on life. It made me believe and reflect. It sent a million chills down my spine at once.
- The same goes for Evanescence. Except for one song, it's their whole four albums plus the leaked shiz. God I love Amy Lee so truthfully.
- Have an artwork of mine in an art gallery. I don't care where - just anywhere.
- Being able to look back and have no regrets with anything. I'm like that right now. I regret nothing, and it's a great feeling (:
- Being a good person the next sixty years or so.
- Being able to one day be strong enough as a person to do what I truly want. Not just sit back and let it all happen, but take action.
- Go to a total of 100 gigs by the time I'm 25. Counting now, I've been to: Hilary Duff (Y); The Veronicas; Kelly Clarkson; Tegan & Sara; Foo Fighters; Architecture In Helsinki; British India & co.; Kevin Devine & co.; Panic at the Disco, TAI & Cobra Starship; Goodnight Nurse;. - There's probably more, but I'm tired and it's hurting to think. So that's ten. I need ninety more in the next nine years. I can do it (:
- One day not being afraid of change.

Fears:
- Getting old too quickly.
- Losing sight of what's important.
- Not persuing in the art department.
- Not getting to be the person I wish to be.
- Not being with the people I want to be with.
- A world without Tom.
- Just overall not living life because I'm too scared, or because I don't think I'm strong enough.
- Having regrets. Regrets kill me. Trust me on that.
- I think I could live with not meeting Hugh Laurie, or the Evanescence and Jack's Mannequin things. But I would very much like to cross off the rest of my 'Hopes' list as done (: I wouldn't like leaving a single one. I fear that. Everything in that list is something I want in my future. I need that list.

So that's what I've got tonight. I finished work two hours ago, and I'm tired. If I think of more, I'll be sure to add them.

You think your days are uneventful and no-one ever thinks about you.
She goes her own way. She goes her own way.
You think your days are ordinary. And no-one ever thinks about you.
But we're all the same.
And she can hardly breathe without you..

Well think about the lonely people.
Then think about the day she found you.
Or lie to yourself.
And see it all dissolve around you.

I love Keane. I love this album. I love that song.

Either Way, I'll Break Your Heart Someday.

So when my first relationship ended I used to have a book where I wrote down everything, where I sketched my drawings.
Then one day I didn't have that book, and I felt very lost without it.

The same thing kind of happened with this blog.
I started blogging because I was feeling pretty lost and angry, and then I gave up on it a few days ago, and I felt a little lost this afternoon when I was thinking about it. Looking at the posts I've done since September, this blog kind of seems like the book I used to have, where I'd come and just write about how shit life was without that certain person, and how I was trying my hardest to be okay, but certainly failing at that.

Things have been going good now. You know, when I started this blog I didn't think I'd ever say that.. Definately not about Tom, that's for sure. But, in the department of Sarah's shiz, things have been good.. Maybe not a few days ago, but you know.

So I kind of started this blog at 9 last night, and it's 12:42 a.m now. I need music, but my iPod's dead, so I'm waiting for it to charge and listening to Tom's iPod. Man, the only band I really know on it is Three Days Grace. So now I'm listening to a song about suicide ~~ Yayyyy.

(8)This world will never be what I expected;
And if I don't belong, who would have guessed it?
I will not leave alone everything that I own.
To make you feel like it's not too late - it's never too late.

Even if I say it'll be alright,
Still I hear you say you want to end your life.
Now and again we try to just stay alive,
Maybe we'll turn it all around, cos it's not too late.
It's never too late.

I used to love that song so much.
It's a good song actually.
So is Gone Forever. I loved that song x 91820209719182o.

(8)Don't know what's going on,
Don't know what went wrong.
Feels like a hundred years, I still can't believe you're gone.
So I'll stay up all night, with these bloodshot eyes.
While these walls surround me with the story of our lives.

I feel so much better now that you're gone forever.
I tell myself that I don't miss you at all.
I'm not lying, denying that I feel so much better now that
You're gone forever.

~

And now it's coming clear,
That I don't need you here.
And in this world around me,
I'm glad you disappeared.

Yeah,
I loved that song.

This night feels like a night of remembrance ~
Remembering who I was, who I was with, what music I listened to.
Now I'm listening to Hawthorne Heights (:
I gave up on his iPod, but I'm using his earphones ~~ (Y).
They're good ~

I'm tired, but I'm in the mood for Susie Suh, so I need my iPod.
I really like finding artists who can express great emotion into their lyrics and music.
Susie Suh fo' sho.

Wow, this blog's going to be about music.
Awesome.

Amanda Palmer's coming to Australia ^^
Hmm, maybe I'm in the mood for The Dresden Dolls.

(8)Say what you will, I am the kill.

Just spent a good half an hour watching Amanda Palmer on YouTube (Y).
Blog out.

You Found Me.

Usually when I'm depressed I find solace in these blogs. I can be all pissy, and write about it. So much harder it seems to right about my happiness. Not that there's nothing to write, it's just a hell of a lot harder writing about happiness. With sadness, with depression, all I have to use are words like 'solitude' and 'lonliness' and the moods' set.
The only word I can use to relate to happiness.. Is happiness. And I am happy. At the moment, so very happy. I feel complete, I feel worthy. I feel better.

I used to always worry about not being enough. It's this damn feeling that used to stick around, the feeling that used to pop up the second something went wrong. I failed - you're not enough. I lost - you're not enough. It feels really good to not be questioning my worth anymore. It's like I just let go of who I used to be. It's an amazing feeling to not feel anything like I used to.

I'm so grateful that I met him. I don't regret anything of who I've been, I don't regret anything I've done.. Because every single bit of my past has led me to this spot, has led me to him.
I wouldn't have any of this any other way.

Wow, my phone bills going to be high this month.
Fuck 3.

Original Fire.

This will be my last blog for 2008. Honestly, I can't believe it's New Years Eve. The whole year seems to have flown by, and now the future is just tomorrow. This blog will probably be short, but I do need to blog one last time for 2008.

This year has been one of the best years of my life. I'm happy, fullstop. Looking back on the things that have happened this year, and the things I've done, it's a big thing to state that I'm happy. I've come along way since the beginning of 2008.

I'm sad to see 2008 go, but I'm happy for 2009. I can't wait for next year.
Okay, that's all.
Goodbye 2008, hello 2009.

Happy New Years!