Someday.

I'm at this point where I'm okay with waiting. I, I realised today that everything will be okay.. I'm not depressed anymore.. And I realised today that that's because I'm happy. I'm actually happy. I don't know how things are going to end up, but I know, I know now.. That I will never ever feel alone again. I have so many people that care about me.. I'm finally seeing what people have been telling me for the last two years. If I need to wait for people, then I will.. And even then if it doesn't turn out.. I think I'm going to be okay..

I am okay.

This Thing That Breaks My Heart.

You know.. I really need to have a big whole confession blog. Because.. Today.. I guess changed it all again.. And maybe a few people out there need to understand whats going on in my mind..

Lately, I've been trying to focus all my energy, all my thoughts.. On something other than Tom. I kind of thought that if I tried, there was all the possibility that I could succeed. It might not have been what I wanted, but it made the thought of waking up to another day without him not as painful.

That doesn't mean I've moved on. Nowhere near have I moved on. I miss you every single day, but there's not much I can do without letting myself become vulnerable again. I don't know what you want, which has been pointed out several times that guys never know. But I really, really miss you. Everyday.

How exactly do I say this? I am just scared. That's all it is. I don't know what to think, I don't know what to do.. And I'm scared I'm going to lose you again if I let you in like I used. That, mixed with the feeling of not knowing what you want, is what causes me to feel like this. When I think about you, I don't think anyone has made me feel that happy in years. And it scares me not knowing. It scares me when I think I might lose you again.. And people have told me that maybe it's for the best, just accepting that that might happen.. And if I accept that, then we might as well not know eachother.

But I can't accept that. When Alex told me to just delete your number, and delete whatever messages I had from you, I couldn't. I can't just do that. But I can't just sit here and feel depressed every night.. I needed to do something..

Whatever words typed here might just be a lie to help me make it through another day, because I feel lost without you. And I don't know what to do about that, not anymore.

The First Time I'm Honest.

Dear Whoever,

So, I'm typing this, whatever you call it.. Because it's all I can do right now. I need to tell you things, and I wish you knew. But I can't do that to myself again. I wish I was strong enough.. I wish I was.. But I'm not. I can't do anything, not without somehow letting this out. I was waiting for a bus, and it hit me.. I don't want to have to tell myself to start again, I don't want to lose what I had worked to build.. But I already have. Because, I look back.. I have exams now, and the first day of my last exam block, was the day when I became sick again.. I mean, really. I came home, and tried to knock myself out.. I hit myself repeatedly, I told my mum I wasn't worth anything, I wanted to be dead.. I didn't see a reason.. And then I got a reason.. You meant so much.. And I didn't want to lose that.. I never, ever, ever wanted to lose that.. I didn't want to lose you.. But I did.. And now I'm only realising how much I really loved you.. How much you did for me.. And I honestly don't know what to do.

You weren't the first I person I loved.. But you're the one who meant the most.. I thought I could do this, but I can't.. I just can't.. I've tried to put all my energy into studying, I've tried to not be hurt, but I am.. And now I can't study. I just want everything to feel okay again. I just want it to be okay again. I just want you to tell me it's going to be okay.. Just like you used to.. Because I used to believe you, and I need that right now.

I still miss you, just like before.. Whatever I wrote in the post before this was probably just a lie. I kept trying to push away the hurt I'm feeling right now, and maybe it's because I'm scared again, maybe it's because I thought it would be best.. But it's not. I'll have to deal with it one day.. And I thought maybe dealing with that is trying to find someone else who makes you just as equally happy.. But right now, it's impossible. And maybe, maybe I don't want to find someone else. I mean, I can name two relationships right now that ended because I was scared. I don't even know what I was scared of, I didn't.. But I was.. Or maybe I just knew in my heart that no matter what that person did, I would never love them the way they deserved. And I think when you realise that, well there's not much that can keep your relationship together.

I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say. All I can say is I miss you.. Everyday.

Now That You're Gone.

This has, most definitely, been the weirdest week of my life. I find myself not caring anymore. I have felt so many different things this week. Here is my list: happy, important, loved, depressed, sad, suicidal, betrayed, used, unwanted, unfaithful, special, beautiful, hideous, angry, evil, unloved.. And most importantly.. I’ve felt like I always have.. Lost.

I didn't know what to do about this Tom situation, but honestly, I don't.. I don't care about it anymore. Of course I still care for him.. But I'm just done with that part of my life.. I don't need to wait around for someone who doesn't know what he wants.. I don’t need to feel like I’m not enough.. I'm done with the pain part of my life, I want it to all be over. I didn't want this thing that happened with him to always cause me to wonder about what could have been, what I did wrong.. But when I didn't feel like I was enough for him, I got so angry. One day it resulted in my cutting myself over 30 times.. But, I now see that.. That in him contacting me, I was able to let go. It was probably for the best, in the end. I'm starting to see that.. But sometimes I miss the person he had become to me, but I think that person left.. And won’t be coming back.. I did love him, but I don't think love should be this hard.. I did love him, I'm not going to say I didn't. But that love died, the second.. I think it died the second he came back. Maybe I loved who I thought he was, maybe I loved how kind he was to me, maybe I loved him because I didn't miss Peanut.. Maybe I loved him because he loved me back, I don't know. All I know is I don't.. I don't wake up anymore wondering about him, I don't wake up missing him.. I feel like enough again. And sometimes I wish it was different, because I really did love him, sometimes I wish it turned out different.. He made me feel alive again, he honestly did. But that certain type of trust and feelings I had for him are gone. And I don't think they're coming back.. I didn't think I'd ever feel happy before Tom, not honestly happy.. But for a moment in time I did. And I will always be grateful towards him, because he did save me. He did give me something to fight for, something to believe in, but now I need to find something worth fighting for, not wait for it to find me. I went to bed Monday night, thinking I needed him to live, and I had somehow lost him. Thinking that I had carried myself for two months, and I had just let him ruin that again like that.. I hated myself Monday, I honestly did. But I really need to know that I can take care of myself.. That even when my heart breaks, or people lie, or people aren't who I thought they'd be, I'll be able to take care of myself.. I'll be okay. I will always care about Tom, he did mean a lot to me. But waiting around? This week has been hell enough, and I don't know if I'll be able to wait.. It could be forever. It used to hurt, a hell of a lot. But it got easier along the way. I guess now he just seems like a different person, but there will always be a part of me that cares about him.

Years pass and people change, the bluest skies can turn to grey. And though it's going to hurt for now, every ship must sail away.

I really find truth in those lyrics. Life sucks, I get it. In end the, whatever friendship, whatever love, whatever relationship you have - one day it'll be gone. It can be due to your own fault, theirs, or because they've left this world completely, I get that, and I've accepted it. I guess we just have to make the most of what we have at this moment of time.

And sometimes I think we do need someone to remind us of that. That maybe we see ourselves as evil, or hideous.. And the rest of the world might just see us as people who are just lost. But someday, they’ll find their place in the world, someday they’ll be in a place, belong with someone that feels like home. I think it’s okay to lose ourselves.. But what’s not okay is starting to think that you are not enough as a person, that someone out there has more worth than you ever possibly could. I know that there’s someone out there worse of then me, I know it. And when the world is a bitch to you, then you be a bitch back, because you need to make sure that you’ll be here tomorrow. One day I’ll find my place in the world. And that day I know I’ll be truly happy. And I won’t look back at these past years with a frown, but a hand to thank each and everyone I’ve met along the way. The ones that changed me for the better, and the ones that changed me for the worse. Because, either way, I learnt that, in the end, it’s all worth it. And I'll understand more.

Just Friends.

This week has been a very weird one.. I went from almost letting go to not being able to, to understanding what I need to do in order to let go.. Confusing, yes. Basically, I thought I could let go, and thought I was doing it, to not being able to, which made me completely wack and angry.. To understanding what I need to do.. And it has been a thing highlighted in my past, trust me.. All I need to do to escape the pain? Walk away. I really, really understand now. If it's too painful, why should I endure it? No one should have to question their worth, not ever.. I know for me, Monday night.. I couldn't find any worth.. I really, honestly and completely, doubted I'd ever get out of that hole.. I didn't see a way out.. Not again.. I felt like I had let myself become vulnerable again, and I just got crushed.. And my insecurities will not leave..

I guess we sometimes just need to be reminded of the people we are.. Of the impact we've had on someones life.. I was reminded tonight, of someone who hasn't been in my life for a while.. I guess if we have enough of a hold on someone, and I don't mean you control their life.. I mean, you bring something to their life, something that will make them wonder how you are, how you're doing, a year on.. It might say something about the person.. It definately made me feel like I had some sort of impact.. That they, maybe might miss me from their life.. Sometimes I wish things had turned out differently.. You know? If I didn't leave Grammar, I probably wouldn't have gone down the self harm streak.. I probably would still have long hair.. I probably wouldn't be on this medication.. But leaving Grammar led me to Rosebank, and to my job, and I know that I wouldn't trade that to take me back two years ago.. But sometimes, I wonder.. Would I be a different person? Would I be happier? I don't know.. But I know that something good came out of leaving Grammar, even though I'm only realising it now..

I learnt what the world was like. I learnt how to truelly feel, and I learnt that there is some hope left somewhere, you just need to look. It might be in the form of a memory, or a person's words.. Or in someone's eyes.. Just a look, a feel, anything, that will tell you that you'll be okay.

In the past, I have done things I wish I hadn't. I have said words I wish I could take back, and I've lost people that I wish I didn't. I guess the recent months have shown me that I can fight back.. That I can learn to trust someone again, learn to love someone again, and even if it doesn't work out.. In the long run I'm going to be okay.. I guess now I'm just going to have to accept it all.. Even though it might not be what I wanted, not one bit..

I'll just have to get used to it..

That's What You Get.

Last night was the work meeting.. Yay4Oporto. I still don't see why I had to go, seeing as Mohit wasn't there anyway.. But whatever, we went for dinner afterwards, even though I only had a coke.

Still confused about everything, by the way. And last night didn't make it any better.. So I came home, went straight to bed (yeah, I had like a gazillion hours of homework as well) and cried for a very, very, very long time.. Also contemplated suicide, which was, you know, the last place I wanted to end up in in my head. I thought about od-ing, but really couldn't be bothered to get up.. And then I did something I haven't done in a long time.. I prayed.. You have to see, the day my Nonna died, I just lost faith in God completely. Sure, I believed there was a God, but I didn't believe in him.. If you get my drift.. I just thought I was being punished, because I asked to be taken, and my Nonna died instead..

So, I prayed, and I asked for the pain to be taken away.. I am so sick of feeling hurt, and betrayed.. And I don't think I've been as angry as I was last night in a very long time.. I repeated, must have been a hundred times.. Just take me.. Just take me away from my pain.. I asked to be taken to the place where my brother and Nonna are.. I just wanted out last night, so badly. I felt useless. I didn't see myself being able to study, because I was so disappointed, and depressed. I thought "I have to do it tonight..". I didn't see myself passing any exams, I didn't see myself making it to the end of the year.. I just gave up.. I just wanted out.. I just doubted myself so much.. Eventually, I fell asleep. I woke up around 12:30, and I had two messages from Tom..

Again.. This is what I don't get, I just don't understand it.. I just want to know what he wants from me. He misses me? That's great, it makes me feel that I had some sort of positive impact on his life. I wrote in the previous post that I didn't want it to turn out like last time.. I don't know what to do.. I honestly don't.. Less than 24 hours ago I was in a place that I have tried so hard not to go back to.. And that's because I accepted, not completely, but mostly, that once I left work, be it Thursday night or Sunday, that would be it. He didn't want me in his life, I would've been fine. I had accepted it.. I had made myself feel okay about it.. But he said he missed me, and I know I missed him.. He meant too much to me.. I wasn't just going to ignore his messages.. I just felt strong last week.. The topic of him came up, I just asked not to talk about it. But now, I feel so completely weak. And I feel betrayed in a few ways, and I wish I didn't. I just wish I knew what he wanted from me.

Slow Show.

Last night was my last time working.. I just have had too much of Ziggy, no way in hell am I going to work on Sunday D: Anyway, while I was leaving work I checked my phone and I had a message from Tom.. To be honest, I didn't know what to expect when I opened the message.. It could've gone from anything to "i h8 u bitch, zomgz". Anyway, the message asked if I missed him.. In previous posts I have said I missed him, which is true.. But I kind of accepted that that was it.. I'd miss him for a while, but it would go away after awhile.. I think I pushed whatever I felt towards him away.. It just didn't hurt so much anymore.. I had quit work, I had announced that I hated him.. I had found out supposed answers to questions I had waited two months for.. I missed him, but I didn't think about it as much.. I accepted that whatever "it" was, wasn't coming back.. I just lost trust in him, and then everyone else..

Last week was a bit hard on me.. I wasn't handling shit very well.. And I started thinking things weren't worth it again.. And I felt useless to stop it.. I felt powerless. And I got into a fight/argument with a girl at work.. which just made everything feel worse..

I don't know what to say again, I don't know what to do. I'm sick of all these games that get played. Tom said he missed me once before, and we started talking again.. for one night, and that was it.. I don't want it to happen again.. This is what makes me feel so worthless.. It's like they have to check on me, to make sure I'm okay, and that's it.. Just make sure she's okay and the guilt will go away. And once the guilt's gone, then I'll slowly drift from their minds.

I just wish I knew where I stood with him >< Does he genuinely miss me, or is it out of guilt? I guess I just need reassurance.. I just need to know what he wants from me.. If it's out of guilt, I don't know how I'll forgive him.. I just don't see the point of contacting me for one day, and that being it.. It's not very fair on me.. I forgave him for what he did a while back.. He's only human, after all. And I know that I'm a handful.. I was just angry because he promised it all.. He promised he wouldn't leave.. And even though I had my doubts, I wanted nothing more than to believe him.. I guess I put too much pressure on him.. I don't know anymore.. I used to get so worried that he'd meet someone better than me, someone prettier, someone smarter, someone just better for him.. I guess that's why what Shar told me made sense.. Everyone at work seemed to know more than I did D: Oh, I don't know what to do.